Bethenny's Meals Feature Sides Of Daddy And Anger Issues On RHONYC

Find out who's the biggest mess in this week's rankings.

This season of RHONYC has gotten off to a slower start than usual. Ironic, considering its players are more manic than they've ever been before. This week, though, its tail-chasing and table-setting yield great results as not one but two trips devolve into screaming matches. Let's rank the ladies on the scale of 1 to Ramona Coaster.

  1. Carole
    As valid and wonderful as her THs may be, this isn't Carole's game, and she knows it. She wasn't built to drink two gallons of wine and scream in someone else's face about the bedroom she'll have to spend 48 hours in, or her daddy issues -- and that's fine. But that she doesn't even flinch when a group of strangers stop her to tell her she looks like "Ivania," err, "Melania," or respond via her preferred form of TH is disappointing all the same.
  2. Bethenny
    There's an argument to be made that this episode succeeds because Bethenny's too busy cultivating it to be an actual player. Thus, like Carole, she largely lets everything happen around her and responds intermittently. The end result is the most subdued she's been in a while, and it makes a world of difference. Bringing the women to the Bronx and Vermont is inspired. Opting to focus on her white pizza with pancetta, and later her salmon and greens, is even smarter.
  3. Luann
    Marriage has changed Luann…or so she wants us to believe. Bethenny-esque, she's taken to being above everything or leaving when things get out of control. But there are moments when she slips up, and they're beautiful. But she's trying, for sure. She's lost the title of Countess, but fuck if she isn't clinging to the role of wife and the pomp and circumstance of a wedding for dear life and fine with losing a few fingernails in the process.

    One of my favorite moments this week is when she turns Bethenny's invitation to Mexico into a broader conversation about friendship because she thought they (her friends) would give her (the bride) a better room considering everything she's been through -- what with having just come from Palm Springs and such. It's wild and it's wonderful, but there's always room for improvement. Close second is the way she says she hasn't "been to the Bronx in like…fifteen years!"

  4. Ramona
    Being on the outs, Ramona doesn't have the luxury of being invited to the Bronx for pizza and calamari, but her introduction doesn't disappoint. Desperate to make up with Bethenny, it's hilarious that her reaction to the Vermont trip -- Bethenny's Vermont trip -- is so dismissive because she "only ski[s] in Aspen." That being said, of course she goes, and of course she freaks out about the room situation. This week may see her come down from last week's Joker-like smattering of highlighter and cauterized stub of a high pony, but this is still a Girls' Weekend, and there's no turning Ramona all the way off on a Girls' Weekend. She knows she has to tread lightly, which is why she gets in a quick dig about Skinnygirl being a good but not really good wine and then disappears until dinner.
  5. Sonja
    Sonja is the catalyst of every major beat this week. She's: tying Dorinda and John to Tipsy Girl and bringing up the Berkshires in the Bronx; telling Luann that she and Dorinda aren't great friends because they don't have the shared experience of sex with the same guy like she and Luann do; pushing Tinsley to her limits in a way I'm pissed we're hearing a lot about but not seeing. C'mon, Bravo! Don't try and tell me there isn't a whole room of footage of Sonja bursting into Tinsley's room in the middle of the night in a sheet mask holding her lone candelabra and firing a pistol into the ceiling. I know you've got the goods! In any event, the difference between Sonja and everyone else is that I don't think she's being intentionally difficult.

    Sonja's technically doing all the heavy lifting, but it's only because she doesn't know her own strength. Once she accidentally derails things by bringing up her favorite vacation spot, The Past, she sits there and mugs incredulously, waiting to be validated. She's more aggressive than she's been in a while -- probably because she'd rather fight with the group than her two boyfriends -- but she really just wants to be heard. It's a weird draw. But hey, she gets the best bit of the night by far with her Evian/mountain water shenanigans.

  6. Tinsley
    Tinsley belongs in the Bravosphere, but not on RHONYC. I know she's trying to get over her ex and the daddy issues that led her to him, but let's throw her on Southern Charm: Savannah before it's too late. Hell, throw her on original flavor Southern Charm and have her date Whitney. Regrettable as she may be, there's something to be said about this lesser-known Tennessee Williams character. I still don't particularly like her, but she's oddly compelling in the scene with her therapist -- which, we have to talk about the porn-like setup of her arrival to his LOWER East Side office -- and later Hulking out at the table. And I know I'm not alone, because everyone at that table was just as surprised and vaguely impressed.
  7. Dorinda
    Oh, Dorinda. Where to begin? She's an absolute mess and an even greater pleasure to watch. Seems like showing up to Luann's wedding drunk and unprepared has emboldened her. Still drunk from the night before, she starts with a bang in the Bronx as she responds to Sonja's claim that she was interested in Skinnygirl in the form of a spoken-word poem that includes lines like, "CLIP! CLIP! CLIP!" and "HOS-TESS…WITH THE MOST-ESS [points to bathing suit area]." Blessedly learning nothing in the time between the Bronx and Vermont, she completely forgets her luggage from the former before leaving for the latter…because she had sex with John? I'll be honest, her slurry explanation about how she got dicked down and then was so hyped up she crossed the bridge and just kept driving didn't make a whole lot of sense, but that's why I love her. She's not a spacy pseudo-alcoholic and alleged cokehead, she's just Dorinda, glassy-eyed bird of paradise whose hair is quickly becoming its own character.

    I will give her one thing: For someone who was so high off sex she raced through a few states without going home to pick up her bags and then day-drank, she rebounds quickly. That nap she took set her right in a way I couldn't believe and she looked and sounded great at dinner where she defended Tinsley against Sonja. Dorinda, I salute you.

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