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The Real Housewives Of Melbourne Can't Decide Which Of Their Terrible Co-Stars Is The Terriblest

One is an unapologetic gossipmonger. One will start crying if you don't compliment her dress THIS SECOND. Who would you rather spend your vacation with?

Holy shit, this Dubai trip is fun. I didn't watch the last season of Beverly Hills, but I can't imagine Rinna accusing Yolanda of not having Lyme disease while dining in front of a giant fish tank was more entertaining than Pettifleur lying down in the desert sand to take a nap during her pile-on. I invoked Scary Island last week, and Petti's behavior during Week 2 of this season's Bitch Trip only confirms my suspicions that she is this show's Kelly Bensimon: a woman so divorced from reality she makes the rich lunatics around her appear sane. Season 3 has had its disappointments, but what's saving this final stretch is the renewed focus on Petti as one of the most awful, least self-aware people ever to appear on a reality show. (I feel like I say something to that effect every week, but Petti's cluelessness constantly needs repeating.)

And yet, as we approach the finale, it's LYDIA who looks poised for the biggest fall. (Petti doesn't have far to fall; I mean that figuratively and literally.) Turns out, Lydia is a pretty disgraceful human being. Not that we should be surprised; there's a new Housewife this season whose very presence on this show is predicated on the fact that Lydia once spread a rumor about her. I think her name is Swoozie.

Early in the season, Jackie vaguely referred to the tales Lydia's told about the other women over the years, and because of this week's climactic dinner, two of those three rumors come out. Janet confirms via confessional that Lydia told many people -- Jackie among them -- that she cheated on Brian when they were married. And Gina says it's "disappointing" that Lydia would falsely accuse Gina's partner of hitting on her, although, Gina doesn't deny there's a decent chance he did check out Lydia's ass. ("You know what, why not? It's huge. He probably thought, 'What the fuck is that?'")

The third, still unrevealed rumor concerns Chyka and Bruce, which is why, knowing Lydia's comeuppance was at hand, Chyka wore this to dinner:

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It's rare that Chyka ends up in a Housewives squabble, but when she does, you better believe she dresses the goddamn part. The only thing better than watching Chyka scold Lydia for trying to "destroy families" in that get-up is watching her storm away from the table in it. Even when it's not on-screen, that outfit does its job. My enjoyment of Jackie getting caught on a hot mic in the bathroom calling Lydia a cunt is increased tenfold knowing that Chyka was wearing raven feathers when Jackie said it to her.

Speaking of: congratulations to Jackie for being the second person in three seasons to call Lydia a cunt while hiding from cameras in a bathroom! But is that act enough to earn her the top spot this week? (Spoiler alert: YES.)

  1. Lydia
    It takes a special Lydiot to end this Dubai trip eating more shit than Petti. But Lydia's the Lydiot-est.
  2. Susie
    Susie claims she couldn't sleep the night after Petti's epic desert tantrum, although Susie doesn't so much as sleep as recharge herself in her beige Borg chamber. That's right: Susie is the only Borg in the galaxy for whom green is too flashy a color.
  3. Janet
    Oddly enough, Janet is the only one capable of dragging any semblance of an apology out of Pettifleur -- and she does so immediately after telling said demon spawn that she was "tapping out" of their friendship. Janet literally tells her, "No one fucking wants you here", and then, no more than ten minutes later, embraces the beast, rekindling their friendship, because Petti sorta apologized for being rude to the crew. I think? I just wish Janet would follow Jackie's lead and stop pretending Petti isn't an emotional goblin.
  4. Gamble
    Gina and Gamble's "feud" has always felt about 90% bullshit: a requisite spat between former allies designed, ultimately, to shuffle the players on the reunion couches. Gamble probably wouldn't have cared that Gina left her rehearsal party a little early to watch herself on TV had Gina not been in shady Real Housewives mode when she did so. Gamble clearly isn't enjoying playing Real Housewives with her friend anymore, so it isn't too surprising when she breaks down after Gina tells her, whether it was meant in the spirit of their TV frenemyship or not, "You either accommodate me or you don't."
  5. Petti
    I am perhaps more curious about Petti's past than I am abut any Housewife's ever. How does someone survive a year as a child refugee only to become the most shallow, most ignorant woman in Australia? There are so many cartoonish Petti moments I could highlight this week, but my favorite is definitely her conversation with Lydia the morning after her public shaming. Never has someone played the victim so stubbornly while lounging so luxuriously.

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    The way she tells it, the reality check Gina gave her in the desert was basically a hate crime. In Petti's world, not being told she's a perfect goddess every moment of the day is the equivalent of being a leper, and that's why I love/hate her.

  6. Gina
    What a roller coaster of a week for this one! Gina starts off with the "SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF IT" speech I've dreaming about all week, which is so satisfying it causes Janet to literally break into a cheer with imaginary pom-poms and everything. It goes to show how much goodwill her takedown of Petti earned her that I'm still ranking her so highly after the gross, condescending way she speaks to Gamble at dinner. Maybe Gamble is taking their probably-fake fight too seriously, but no one's ever looked classy mocking her crying friend.
  7. Chyka
    "Chyka's scarier than Jackie and Gina combined" is the understatement of whatever century Australia happens to be in right now. Chyka has many positive qualities, but her utter disdain for Lydia is now my favorite. Also: we better get to see this royal wedding Chyka's imported Dutch flowers for. We didn't fly all the way to Dubai for Chyka not to don a headset and direct a shah's nuptials.
  8. Jackie
    Jackie Gillies, clairvoyant crusader for justice, will not rest until she exposes Lydia for the underhanded cur she is. We may be jaded when it comes to the moral decay of our world, but Jackie refuses to stop being disgusted.

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Rank Name Points Trending
1 Jackie 55
2 Gina 54
3 Janet 51
4 Gamble 50
5 Chyka 41
6 Petti 38
7 Lydia 16
8 Susie 15
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