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Breaking Down The Real Housewives Of Dallas Road Trip And Cocktail Party

Crazy dogs, crazy yoga, and a whole lot of crazyface.

Two events drive the Housewifery this week: Stephanie and Brandi take a road trip to Oklahoma to see Stephanie's folks, and Marie throws a cocktail party for some girl time. Which turns into carnage, of course. In the name of science, let's try to categorize what we saw.

Awesome

Ralph. Ralph is the dog of Dallas charity queen Heidi Dillon ("someone you WANT to be friends with," LeeAnne explains. Not like the bitches you're stuck on TV show with). He's huge and made of fluff and nonjudgmental love, and he seems to be telling to LeeAnne to relax and practice self-acceptance.

LeeAnne's hair. That bun 'do when she goes to see Heidi. Cute! (No shade.)

Brooklyn and Brinkley's giant cardboard box. Because, really, who would leave that to go on a road trip to Oklahoma?

LeeAnne's origin story. So, according to LeeAnne, she became the world's most accomplished volunteer because she adopted Leo, a Pomeranian who had a lot of needs, and started helping at events to benefit animals. Look, I can't be skeptical after seeing Leo's picture.

Coweta, Oklahoma. It's Stephanie's hometown! It's nicer than Dallas because you can wear a tutu to Walmart and no will judge. Also, it's really safe to walk in the cemetery.

Brandi as traveling companion. Brandi's love of Stephanie's close-knit family is maybe even sweeter than Stephanie's own love for them, and the strong impression they make on her spurs her desire to connect with her own granddad. Who's coming to Texas to see her family!

Shocked disbelief or disbelieving shock? The expression on Stephanie's and Brandi's faces when Stephanie's sister doesn't know what Uber is.

Young Stephanie's pageant platform. Substance abuse. Still important.

Cary having LeeAnne's number. When Tiffany talks about how LeeAnne is so well-known around town, Cary points out, "It might just be because she's loud." And she continues to assert kind of a heartbreaking truth: that Dallas's real socialites might like LeeAnne, but they'll never treat her as one of their own.

Erica. A local Dallas heroine who spends Marie's cocktail party listening to LeeAnne's boozy snarking about the other Housewives.

Crazy Awesome

Sister act. Brandi's daughters throw each other under the bus over whose idea it was to drop the bunny on their dad's face.

The escapee. Brandi's dog that tries to run off before their trip to Oklahoma. Brave freedom fighter. This was just an important hour of dog TV.

Lola's Tanning and Liquor. My favorite Coweta business.

Cary's yoga game. WOW. Sit your ass down, Hilaria Baldwin.

LeeAnne's crazy faces. What Cary is to yoga, LeeAnne is to crazy faces. During Marie's cocktail party, LeeAnne and the other Housewives start the airing of the grievances like it's some kind of demented Texas Festivus, and her mean mugging is formidable. I mean, I've seen lots of youth theater productions and I was still impressed.

The Three Little Bitches. The ones LeeAnne does not give a fuck about. Also, the second book after The Little Pony Who Married Well in my series of RHOD-inspired children's books.

Just Crazy

Stephanie's farts. Apparently smell like deviled eggs (per Brandi).

Tiffany Hendra, Dallas UN. Throughout the episode, Tiffany tries to play peacemaker among the warring factions, which is goodhearted but a little harebrained, especially at the cocktail party when she urges LeeAnne over to the rest of the group.

Cary and Mark's sexy banter. It always feels like the Deubers are trying too hard to make us believe that the sexy times are just out of control at their McMansion.

"The wagon of not liking" Brandi. The worst wagon.

Strong-arming. Tiffany does this weird arm grip and slide when she's trying to sell Brandi on the idea of making up to LeeAnne and it's just creepy.

The stamp on LeeAnne's ass. It says "made by God" and is presumed to be metaphorical.

Taylor. The only boy invited to Marie's girls'-night cocktail party. He clearly intends to make the most of his moment in the sun and tells a tale about LeeAnne pooping her pants one time when she was wasted. Which delights Brandi and Stephanie but dismays any grown people within earshot.

"To be continued." Oh, for heaven's sake.

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