Screens: Bravo

You've Got Some Spain-ing To Do

Kyle and Yolanda try being boring in a different country for a change.

Talking About Spain

Kyle drives over to Kim's house to see Kim's mother-of-the-bride dress, which is shockingly tasteful and age-appropriate. Kyle's heading to Spain for the majority of the episode, and mentions this forty-seven times in this two-minute segment. When she arrives at Kim's house to find her niece and nephew bedridden with the flu, she does the familial thing and demands that they stay fifteen away from her at all times BECAUSE SHE'S GOING TO SPAIN. She might as well open a window and shout it to all of Beverly Hills: "I'M GOING TO SPAIN, SO THERE BETTER BE NO MOTHER FUCKIN' EBOLA IN MY WAY!"

Brandi Business

Brandi meets with her agent about her podcast, Brandi Glanville: Unfiltered. Hmm, I wonder which of her fellow D-list stars she's had on her show. Let's take a look: Patti Stanger, makes sense...Snooki, obviously....BRET EASTON ELLIS??? I'm sure he had a lovely time answering questions like "What was it like to direct Christian Bale?"

Nothing happens in this scene besides Brandi once again telling us she's "moving forward." No one asked, Brandi, and no one believes you.

Packing For Spain

Cue the obligatory scene of Kyle pretending to be stressed about packing and missing the plane. Girl, you're applying mascara. If you were actually running late, you'd end up doing that in the airport bathroom elbow-to-elbow with German tourists.

While Kyle picks hats out of her hat closet, Portia lies around and repeats things she's heard on Nickelodeon like, "Moms these days..." to her stuffed animals. It's frankly adorable.

Gettin' Jiggy's Wardrobe (NaNaNaNa-Na-NaNa)

"My husband usually does the wardrobe shopping for Jiggy," Lisa tells us, and I 100% believe her. The gayest straight couple in America go to "Fifi & Romeo" to buy Jiggy fluffy purple pajamas from this lady:

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Meet Eileen! (Some More)

A peek into the world of summers at the Davidson/Van Patten estate reveals hot dogs, pool fun, and a pair of sexy stepsons we'll likely never see again. At no point does Eileen's husband, Vincent Van Patten, talk about doing ludes with Joey Ramone on the set of Rock 'n Roll High School, so I deem this scene a bust.

Arriving In Spain

Again, Portia is the true star of the Richards/Umansky household, being wheeled off the plane half-awake like a glamorous ragdoll. Kyle and family drive to their yacht, and Mauricio is introduced to the world of silly yacht names. He's endlessly entertained by one called Champagne O'Clock, because of course he is. Kyle tells us that their yacht is gorgeous. It looks...like a yacht. I am common folk, so I've never been on one, but every yacht on TV I've ever seen has the same wood paneling and color scheme. Are there absolutist design specifications when building a yacht, like with synagogues?

We get a brief glimpse of Yolanda's European adventure before meeting up with Kyle in Spain, and it looks WAY more interesting than whatever Kyle's doing. This is the Fosters' boat:

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Now you're on a rinky-dink regular yacht, Yolanda, so get used to it! Kyle and Yolanda get dragged around in inner tubes, which Yolanda refers to as "bagels."

The Lisas Who Lunch

The best way to sum up hanging out with Lisa Rinna would be this brief exchange between her and Lisa V. when they meet up at Sur:

Lisa V.: Let's sit down so we can catch up.

Lisa R.: CAN WE?!

Yes, Lisa, you can. That's what you're doing here. You are EXAUSTING.

Lisa V. "organically" brings up her troubles with some of the other ladies, but in a vague way in which no one's name actually comes up. She defends her sense of humor to no one. Lisa, we're on your side. You're preaching to the gay men's choir. Speaking of gay men, Lisa's receiving a star on the "Palm Beach Walk Of Stars." A quick shot of the walk focuses on the star of Art Laboe, whom Wikipedia tells me coined the phrase "oldies but goodies." You've truly made it, Vanderpump.

Walking And Crying In Spain

Yolanda and Kyle walk around Mallorca, and Kyle wonders out loud, "Why don't we have buildings like this in America?" Because Yolanda's from Europe, she ends up playing the role of tour guide. Yolanda's actually from Holland, but that doesn’t matter. In Kyle's mind, Yolanda being from outside the U.S. qualifies her to give tours of Spain, Japan, and probably Neptune.

After sword-fighting with a dude dressed up like Captain Jack Sparrow -- as you do in Spain -- the women sit down for lunch so that Yolanda can talk about her ailing mother. It's a genuinely sad moment that Kyle doesn't know how to react to AT ALL. The scene just ends with Kyle nodding and trying to figure out how to get the conversation back to the subject of pretty buildings.

The Real Star Of The Show

Brandi bought a Range Rover (which she weirdly has delivered to her house), but more importantly, Brandi's "Hairstylist/Houseguest" is still hanging around.

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He's "Houseguest" on the top and "Hairstylist" on the bottom.

More Crying In Spain

Kyle is sad that Alexia is leaving for college because it "symbolizes the passage of time." You're so deep, Kyle. Seriously, this entire vacation has just been Kyle and Yolanda trading off crying sessions and occasionally looking at the ocean and mumbling, "Beautiful."

The Lisas Who Shop

SHOPPING MONTAGE! The Lisas try on some tropical muumuus and tell us about how funny they are together. If you guys say so. Lisa V. mentions that she's still peckish after their lunch, and Lisa R. shouts, "ME TOO!" as if being in agreement with somebody about hunger is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to her.

MORE Crying In Spain

After what feels like three hours of Kyle's family trying to convince her to jump off the yacht, Yolanda gets a call from David about her daughter Bella getting a DUI. I can't fault Yolanda for being so upset -- especially since her father died in a car accident when she was little -- but, seriously, this is the most tear-soaked vacation in Housewives history, and no one's even been accused of being a fake bitch.

Verdict

NOOOOPE. Way too much Kyle for my taste. How far into this disjointed season do we need to get before shit actually starts happening? Don't make Andy Cohen regret reassigning Carlton to craft services.

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