Photo: Bravo

The Wicca, Man!

Here are your notes on The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, Season 4 Episode 3. Or, as we’re calling it in-house, Episode 2.5.

To: Evolution Media
From: Bravo Network
Re: The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills 403 Rough Cut

General

It is unfortunate that, despite your post team's best efforts to lengthen this episode like a live TV producer standing just off-camera making the universal two-handed motion for "stretch the material," there is simply not forty-three minutes of television contained within this cut. I know this will create a deleterious domino effect on the post side, but we simply cannot allow this episode to air in its bloated current form. We are therefore proposing a radical restructure of the episode that would collapse 402 and 403 into one show. This, of course, means we would lose one episode from our standard order of 160 per season. Programming is looking into solutions, but we think it might mean premiering Brandi Glanville's spin-off Brandi (You're a Fine Girl) one week earlier. Though more likely we'll just go with an old episode of Atlanta. Andy still thinks "She by Sheree" is trending.

I didn't hate the episode, but it feels like it's playing out at half-speed. We should be able to tell all of Lisa's Dancing With The Stars story in one episode. The scene where Kim and Kyle watch the faint on TV should move from the end of 402 to the end of Act 3. Then the limo ride to Carlton’s house with everyone making fun of Lisa is the pod (nothing else really happens story-wise in that car), and Carlton’s house is 5 and 6. Definitely not big enough stakes to arrive at this location in Act 3: that kind of real estate should be reserved for an intervention or a drunken push into a pool. Start Act 5 with the house tour (the house porn from the last episode should also be moved to this show in an earlier act, OF COURSE), then the cute witch talk, then drop the bomb about them making fun of the dancing. Kyle vs. Carlton does nothing for me, and the late-breaking bomb about Maricio's cheating is manufactured producer hooey of the highest order. Instead, let's get a pick-up scene where someone confronts Kyle about the allegations, at an empty restaurant when the day is weather-neutral. This way we can play it in whatever episode we want and it will feel less scripted that way.

On the positive side, not once did I feel like I had been inadvertently conned into watching Vanderpump Rules for once, so thank you for that.

Finally, with all of the women together in one place for such a long period of time, not moving, it’s going to be hard to find good material to GIF, which makes it a challenge to feature anything from this episode on Andy’s show. Something to think about going forward.

Specifics

Show Open Hmmmm. They all look really old in their graphics. I know we're up against air dates, but is it too late to redo the entire GFX package, of all the women? And all of their taglines? Once Lisa isn't dancing anymore, shouldn't it no longer be about dance? We're sure to get called out by all of the blog magazines. Maybe "I may be a Brit but I sure won't take any shite!" A bleep in the show open is sure to go viral. Andy will love.

2:30 Who is this girl and why can’t she close her mouth, with the lips? Overall, Brandi needs prettier friends.

4:13 Is there any way to show the lower third “Current Queen of the Universe” AFTER we learn that that’s the name of Joyce’s pageant? Very confusing this way. Besides, “Current Queen of the Universe” is the L3 we use for Miss Lawrence on Fashion Queens. Also, most of this show’s fans use it as their Twitter handle.

Is this entire thing meant to be Joyce's intro package to the series? Please move this scene to Episode 401. This makes no sense here. And please trim out this nonsensical mention of Donald Trump and some vague scandal? We need fewer Housewives franchises to name-check Donald Trump.

8:10 So Ilizy is just Sweetie to Carlton's Kim. Black or white, this schtick is getting stale. And we already saw all of Carlton's Coven house porn last week. Next.

Don't like the tease.

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