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The RHOBH Hug It Out Before They Duke It Out

If you're looking for drama, come back next week. This week's a charity case.

A Condominium Consolation Prize

It makes sense that LVP and her doting Pomeranian husband, Ken, expand their portfolio and buy Max a condominium. They bought Pandora a house; it's only fair. The timing and motivation, however, is suspect. It's regrettable that this gesture arrives as Max hones in on his birth parents. Sweet and treacherous in equal measure, her plan is to go through that and then give him this. [sweeping Vanna White hand gesture]

She lays out her plan to Jeffrey, the real estate agent and innocent bystander, then says, "Some people say I have no feelings. I just have to prove them wrong" afterwards, sharpening her nails with an uncut diamond. Skip it, all around.

BOGO

Shopping for baby clothes, Kim tells Kyle that Brooke's doctor said she's due to have the baby sooner than expected. Her grandmother status is finally setting in and she's the happiest she's been in years. The mood is light, she looks fantastic; naturally, Kyle brings up the Gatsby party and talk turns to Eden.

Across town, RinnUGH's walking to meet Eden, to "talk." She can't remember if she said those things or not. That's beside the point. The point is that Eden's a snitch or a liar and has to be dealt with. Thus, she's decked out in her best athletic-wear and even has a fanny pack, presumably filled with pills, brass knuckles, cash, a Depends diaper, a passport, etc. in case things go awry. Smart!

"How are you," Eden asks her. "I'm not sure how I am," RinnUGH says, having clearly auditioned for the part of Det. Olivia Benson or just come from watching a midday marathon on USA Network. Eden says she only talked because she wanted an outside perspective and had to tell someone; she's innocent! RinnUGH's furious. Eden shrugs. It's a stalemate until RinnUGH hears back from the lab.

Back at the boutique, Kyle tells Kim what happened in Mexico. Kim's shocked, but less so now that RinnUGH's involved. Kyle's determined to get to the bottom of this, by which I mean define "enabler." It's not the best, but it's serviceable.

Project Angel Food

So she spews garbage and hawks overpriced acrylic dusters on QVC; RinnUGH has a heart, too! A volunteer at Project Angel Food for over two decades, she's due to receive the nonprofit's Humanitarian Award that week, and has made it so the women can help put together some of the 14,000 meals they deliver each day. So of course LVP, Kyle, and Cool Ranch are almost an hour late and Eileen home with the runs.

"It speaks to the fact that they don't have any respect for me. If they did, they'd be on time," RinnUGH says in a TH. Eden's the first to arrive and RinnUGH takes it in stride because, as she says, "she's already donated $2,000, and that supersedes any drama." The others arrive (LVP's gate wouldn't open) and everyone's put to work.

Eden's hilariously tasked with packaging granola, and throwing off Jennifer Jason Leigh in Single White Female vibes.

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Erika's chopping chilis; RinnUGH's running around; Kyle laughs so hard washing zucchinis with Cool Ranch (HANDJOBS!!!) she almost vomits.

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And, when she's moved for talking and asked to scoop fish into tubs, does actually almost vomit!

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Then she's moved a third time. Now she's scooping granola with Eden, who says Kyle's been demoted when LVP asks why she's over there. Kyle apologizes for being cold and awkward, and everyone agrees to get together as a group "to talk" at a later date. Off to the side, RinnUGH makes a mental note to bring her fanny pack to the meeting.

Blue Velvet

On its surface, this scene gave me everything I want. LVP saying "blue velvet" repeatedly while shopping "on a dime" for sexy, unique décor for a 24-year-old to ruin. Sadly, it and the arc it's a part of feel out of place, if not out of touch. It raises an interesting question, though: why isn't LVP co-hosting a design show on Bravo or HGTV? How my heart aches for a platform for her to say things like, "That table isn't sexy enough; that's not a lamp. Where are the feathers, the rhinestones; out of curiosity, what made you choose orange and not pink, ha-ha; Giggy and I like it, but Pikachu and Lollipop don't. And yes, I'm sorry, that could impact your final score" to a group of avant-garde designers from Brooklyn and Seattle.

Cool Ranch's Sweat Suit Has Zero Chill

Cool Ranch is keepin' it cash-ual in a sweat suit with knee cutouts that probably costs more than my car insurance as she plays with Jagger and Phoenix. Eden stops by to relay her conversation with RinnUGH. Cool Ranch wonders whether RinnUGH was in an altered or induced state, catching Eden off guard. Eden doesn't know what do with anything she's just been handed. And honestly, same; it's another stalemate.

Mr. & Mrs. Girardi

Is Tom probably a monster behind closed doors? Yes. Does this scene play like Erika meeting her gay uncle out for an early dinner and drinks because she's just so happens to be in the Bay Area? Yes again.

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But you know what? I loved every goddamn second of it.

American Woman, Co-Executive Producer

A peek behind the scenes of Kyle's upcoming scripted series would be fun were it not limited to costume approval and lame differentiations of "based on" and "inspired by," because there's a scene in which her onscreen father does cocaine and she's worried what people (read: her sisters) might think.

Long Walks Down Long Driveways

Everyone's getting ready for the Project Angel Food Awards. RinnUGH's getting her makeup done; Kyle's picking up Cool Ranch; the RinnUGH/Hamlin clan is walking to their car. That's not to say this filler is completely hollow; it has its moments. They are as follows: Eileen's getting progressively worse; Cool Ranch nearly quotes the robbery scene in Clueless when she tells Kyle her skirt's Alaïa; Delilah Belle recounts Gigi's sage advice to walk the runway as if she's "walking down the street to get food."

They're morsels. It's up to you whether not you want to bring them home.

The Project Angel Food Awards

There's only one reason to watch this scene, wherein Kyle chastises Eden for engaging in a long-distance relationship with an attractive Brit ("Her kindred spirit," per Cool Ranch) she met online because he sounds like bad news and RinnUGH graciously accepts her award. Are you ready? Eileen has pink-eye. Pink-eye that, I'm guessing, SHE GAVE TO HERSELF!

Eileen!

Verdict

A ton of small moments along the way don't add up to much. You can easily skip this episode and be more than ready for the drama this week tried and failed to build to.

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