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The Empress Has No Underwear On The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

Erika and her nethers do their best to perk up an otherwise sleepy episode.

All The White Girls

I do not approve AT ALL of this new trend of giving testimonial segments to non-Housewives, especially when they're the beige sacks of unsalted whey that are Lisa Rinna's daughters. Don't let Fric and Frac make jokes about their mom's menopause; that is literally my job.

Anyway, you can skip the first three micro-scenes of the episode: Rinna and Frac prepping for their flight to visit Fric, who's modeling in New York; Kyle and Clone Daughter #3, who are already in the Big Apple, burning time and oxygen waiting around for their equally dull compatriots to arrive so they can all be basic as fuck together; and Dorit arriving at Vanderpump's so that they can go shopping for Ken's 200th birthday present.

Erika's Other World

I'm giving Erika her own section because the woman wearing a mustard-camo tee emblazoned with "My Pussy, My Rules" doesn't deserve to be grouped in with the above snores, but there's also no need to watch this brief scene of her backup dancers doing the same choreo for her upcoming video we saw last week. (Side note, though: If Erika's going to insist on saying "cunty" around her gays and employees, I'd prefer if she didn't code-switch around her proper Housewives friends.

Edina And Patsy They Ain't

It's clear now that Dorit is Vanderpump's Kelly Dodd: the new Housewife she's pretending to be much better friends with than she actually is because she's in need of new allies. Her and Dorit's outing to the jewelry shop to buy Ken a watch isn't quite as sad as Vicki and Kelly's numerous pathetic fake-friend dates, but I don't buy for a second that Lisa finds Dorit to be her intellectual equal. (And that's not saying much considering Lisa, after the jeweler asks her if she wants a rubber wristband for Ken's new watch, makes a joke about rubbers. She is exhausting.)

Denial By Rinna Too

Rinna meets Kyle at the location of the soon-to-be Kyle By Alene Too NYC store. Kyle pretends to be worried that the space won't be ready to open in two months, but her business partner is there to mollify her in the same "oh hush" tone I've been using with my mom every night this month when she reminds me to unplug the Christmas tree before bed lest the house catch on fire.

The assistant takes her leave, and Rinna confides in Kyle that she's optimistic about her relationship with Vanderpump going forward now that they've traded bullshit apologies. Kyle bugs out her eyes and nods enthusiastically the way I do when my mom tells me Donald Trump might surprise us if we just give him a chance. (I really have to get my own place, you guys.)

Also, there's a montage of everyone saying dirty things about Harry Hamlin doing home improvement, for some reason. Unsurprisingly, Vanderpump goes for the lazy "plumbing" pun, but Erika's comment about Harry helping to rearrange her underwear drawer makes her sound legit hungry for the Ham.

Whines Like Jagger

I do not begrudge Dorit her nineteen nannies one bit. If she can afford someone to take her Bill Maher-looking baby to the park while she drinks champagne and eats avocado toast with her friends, I wish her the very best. But she'd probably be better at "negotiating" with Jagger to chill in his car seat if she spent a little more time with him. JUST SAYING.

They're Filming From Inside The House

On one hand, I found everything Eileen says about her recently deceased mom in this scene to be genuinely heart-wrenching. On the other, give me a fucking break with that lingering shot of her in the doorway of her mom's house, saying goodbye like it's a shmoopy sitcom finale. We know there are still cameras there, you ass.

Mothers, Sell Your Daughters

Rinna and Fric meet with the CR Fashion Book team to see if they can't land the girl a spot in an upcoming issue (which, as far as I can tell, they can't). Try as she might to deliver that barely legal come-hither face of every American Apparel ad, Fric just doesn't seem to have what it takes. Sure, she's already signed to Elite Model Management, but so are half the contestants on America's Next Top Model these days. Shockingly, Rinna's story about Fric's extra-long nog bursting forth from her narrow vaginal canal does not help matters.

The Little Death

This scene of the Vanderpumps sitting out on the lanai, respective Pomeranians in their laps, is the moment I officially started feeling bad for Lisa. She's the horniest woman on this plane of existence, yet she's saddled with a man who has to ask her to open his birthday present for him because he doesn't have the energy to do it himself. Avert your eyes and keep on skippin'.

Maybe She'll Make It (To Terry Richardson's Dungeon) After All

Don't get it twisted. I'm not recommending that you watch this dinner between Rinna, Kyle, and their broods because it's particularly entertaining. It's just that everything else in this episode is so. fucking. boring. At least here we get to witness a daughter effortlessly lying to her mom when she promises not to meet up with any of the men she's chatting with on her "elite" dating app when she's left in the city by herself for two days. There's something refreshing about that kind of bald deception. Speaking of, Frac calling out Fric for flirting with thirty-five-year-olds while Fric, panic-stricken, tries to deny it, is when those two earned their testimonial.

Is Eileen Tony Soprano?

I always feel icky about the Housewives performing their therapy sessions for cameras. So, unless you really want to hear Eileen count off the cavalcade of relatives who've died on her in the past five years, keep fast-forwarding.

'Why Would I Ruin Such A Beautiful Design With A Panty Line?!'

There's a white party at PUMP -- and we're not invited. Was there just nothing of value to show so they skipped the party altogether, or did they not even bother setting up cameras? Get it together, people.

We do, however, get some pre-party drinks on the patio with the Vanderpumps, the Kemsleys, Kyle, and Erika. Kyle announces that Alicia Silverstone will play her mother in the new TV Land show about her life, but, more importantly, she announces that she mistakenly wore white underwear with a white dress and they're showing through. (Obviously I've never dealt with this problem, but wouldn't a darker color of underwear show through more? Someone explain basic style concepts to me in the comments, please.)

When Lisa cheekily asks Erika if Kyle can borrow her underwear, Erika declares she's going commando, inadvertently initiating the drama that, I assume, will fuel the remainder of the season. Seriously, it's all anyone seems to be talking about in the previews. Dorit is particularly scandalized because PK is seated right in front of Erika who does not even have the decency to position her napkin so as to block the view of her inner thigh. Even though Dorit is the one making a stink about Erika's pink (I'm so sorry), what follows, weirdly, is a conversation about how Americans like Erika just don't get the naughty sense of humor of the British. It's super-confusing, but producers decided Lisa and Dorit's Britishness (or pseudo-Britishness, in Dorit's case) is a theme this season, and I guess there's no turning back?

Panty Post-Mortem

The next day, Dorit and PK gossip about Erika's snatch some more. But, far more importantly, while discussing how she never orders off the kids' menu for Jagger when they go out to eat, Dorit pronounces "chateaubriand" with the most pretentious fake French accent in history. It sounds like when the rest of us do Pepé Le Pew impressions, except there's not an ounce of humor in her voice. Three episodes in, I can officially declare: there's something wrong with this lady.

Verdict

Literally the most thrilling part of this episode is the flashback to last season when Yolanda called Rinna out for saying she has Munchausen's.

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