Screens: Bravo

The Drunk And The Restless

Brandi's need for attention reaches a series high, and Eileen gets wet in the process.

Lisa And Ken: Battle Prep

Requisite pre-confrontation powwow with a spouse. Ken looks like he'd rather be in another room staring up at a pink popcorn ceiling while all the Vanderpumps' Pomeranians scuttle across his ailing body. We are introduced to this pillow, though:

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Brandi And Lisa's Sitdown: Part I

Brandi has talked all season about Lisa's trademark stubbornness; it is certainly on display as the two frenemies sit down for "THE CONVERSATION EVERYONE HAS BEEN WAITING FOR." Such stubbornness on Housewives can definitely make you look like a delusional fool (see: Teresa Giudice and her "sixteen-month field research for a role on Orange Is The New Black"), but matched with Lisa's cool, relaxed demeanor, stubbornness equals power. Lisa pushes back on even the smallest of Brandi's assertions -- like when Brandi suggests that they have similar personalities -- and establishes enough random hostility to flummox Brandi right out of the gate. By the time we cut to commercial, it's clear that Brandi's role is to beg for a renewed friendship, and Lisa's role is to grant it.

The Redemption Of Bella

While Bella models for Beverly Hills Lifestyle Magazine, Yolanda explains how she banned her daughter from her phone and social media for three weeks because of her DUI. Is it sad that my first thought upon hearing that was, "Wow, that's harsh"? Hi, I am a millennial, and I will burn this country to the ground. Anyway, Yolanda's also busy looking online for a New York apartment to set up Bella in when she goes away to Parsons. I guess the punishment phase is over.

Brandi And Lisa's Sitdown: Part II

Well, that was anti-climactic. Lisa apologizes for not giving Brandi a heads-up about Scheana (whose frustratingly-spelled name I refuse to memorize) being at that party, and Brandi apologizes for saying that Lisa lived in the Valley. That's what this was all about? I'd honestly forgotten. When everything seems to be going fine, Lisa pulls back and tells Brandi she's still not interested in being friends on the level they were before, but will settle for being "friendly." They clink glasses, and Lisa pulls her final power move: insisting that Brandi pay for their meal.

The House-Ladies Who Lunch: Part I

Yolanda, Eileen, Brandi, and human pogo-stick Lisa R. meet up at a fancy restaurant, one hopes to bicker and throw drinks in each other's faces (like THAT would ever happen). Yolanda announces she's throwing one of her dinner parties which "always end with everyone singing around the piano." We see a clip of her dinner party from Season 3 which mysteriously does not include the part where David tells Taylor to shut her caterwauling and let that one dude from American Idol sing "Amazing Grace."

Alexia, Failed Human

"Not knowing how to do laundry" always seemed to me like shorthand for spoiled rich kids, but it never occurred to me that you could place an eighteen-year-old in front of a washer and dryer and she wouldn't know which was which. On the other hand, Alexia doesn't know enough NOT TO PUT HER FEET IN THE KITCHEN SINK. WHERE FOOD IS PREPARED.

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And that's why someone is going to college in Arizona.

The House-Ladies Who Lunch: Part II

Oof. Shit's about to get weird.

Lisa R. starts opining about her award-worthy theory that "opposites attract," which leads Brandi to the conclusion, "When you're the same person, that's when people cheat." Eileen -- who met her current husband, Vince, when they were on Days Of Our Lives...and both married to other people -- explains that if a relationship is strong, "no third party can destroy that." She says this during a confessional, not to Brandi's face, but we all know whom that message was meant for. Brandi expresses in her confessional that, while she's not the "scorned-woman police," hearing about Eileen's cheating makes her mad. To her face, though, Brandi is all smiles and tells Eileen that she "loves her honesty."

Around Brandi's fifty-seventh glass of wine (if the editing is to be believed), the conversation turns to Eileen's character on The Young And The Restless. Brandi orders Eileen to transform into her character, Ashley Abbott, and threatens to throw a glass of wine in her face if she doesn't. Eileen nervously laughs it off, because no one actually expects someone to follow through on a threat like that. When Eileen jokes that she performs only when getting paid, Brandi dives into her purse and throws some $20 bills at her. (To be fair, Lisa R., who should know better, also eggs Eileen on.) When it seems like the conversation is finally about to transition, Brandi ACTUALLY THROWS A GLASS OF WINE IN EILEEN'S FACE.

I don't know if Brandi actually thought that was a good idea (although she did seem proud of herself at first), or she was just drunk, or she's taken it upon herself to punch up a pretty dull season, but her action certainly has the desired effect. When Lisa Rinna describes your behavior as "fucking weird," it's time to take a look at yourself in the mirror. Eileen says she feels "confused and angry and humiliated" and actually looks on the verge of tears afterward. Certainly she's trying to figure out why she signed up for this chickenshit gig. A consummate professional, Eileen suggests that they move on from the incident, but even Yolanda is like, "I don’t think so," and asks for the check.

Yolanda's Party (And Brandi's Social Suicide)

I don't care whether anything important takes place or not: any party at über-rich Yolanda's home is a must-see just for the real estate porn alone. As a reminder, this Yolanda's fridge:

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Kyle arrives first so that Yolanda can pretend to fill her in on what took place the night before. Kyle tries to serve "shocked and troubled," but only comes off as excited to watch more drama go down that doesn't involve her. As the other women arrive, it's interesting to hear how Eileen, Yolanda, and Lisa R. relay the previous evening's events. My favorite version is Lisa R.'s, which seems to suggest that Brandi just did it completely unprovoked while they were chatting about local farmer's markets or something. Lisa V. is practically giddy at the news that she can stop pretending Brandi is even remotely sensible.

When Brandi arrives, she pulls Eileen aside so that she can formally apologize. Her apology starts off appropriately bizarre when she gives Eileen a necklace and then immediately tells her that she shouldn't wear it because it doesn't go with her outfit. (For the record, the necklace was a thin silver thing and Eileen was wearing a Little Black Dress. How do those two things not go together?) Then Brandi AGAIN dives into her explanation that she just wanted to live the life of a soap opera star for one night. Does someone really need to sit Brandi down and explain the difference between real-life and fiction? Apparently, because that's what Eileen does. They hug it out and move on, but there's really no coming back from that first impression.

Everyone gathers around the table for dinner, with each course more expensive than all the groceries I just paid for. After some pleasant conversation -- the highlight of which is Lisa V. referring to Ken "Babyface" Edmonds as "Papa-face" -- Yolanda gets up to deliver one of the most sneakily passive-aggressive speeches in memory. After toasting her husband David Foster for being David Foster, and then Eileen for winning an Emmy, she toasts Lisa V. for opening her new restaurant, Pump, and then adds, as she's sitting down, "Next time, invite us." Yolanda has been jonseing for a feud with Lisa V. all season, and I think she's about to have her wish granted.

This may come as a shock, but during dinner, Brandi has too much to drink. She starts sorta-flirting with Babyface, only to be interrupted by Yolanda and David, who find it prudent to point out that Babyface's wife is sitting right next to him. Brandi says she's just being Brandi, and to prove that she is indeed Brandi, she demands to look at Babyface's wife's ring, and declares to the whole room, "We could go bigger." I would not be surprised if Lisa V. and Kyle, who've never been the best of friends, grabbed each other's hands under the table in excitement at the prospect of Brandi's self-immolation.

Think things can't get worse? Well, then you don't know Brandi. When the group moves outside to toast s'mores around the fire pit, Brandi walks over to David and plops herself down on David's lap, forcing Yolanda to break away from hostess duties to remove the 110-pound harlot from her husband. Detached from Mr. Foster, Brandi then moves over to Lisa R. and Eileen to ONCE AGAIN start mooning over their soap opera roles. Before this episode, I thought that when Eileen referred to Brandi as a "superfan weirdo," it was a tad condescending. Now I know that she was almost whitewashing Brandi's crazy. Seriously, the woman is certifiable. It's too much for the two women to stand, so they scamper back into the house to whisper about what a fucking freak Brandi has turned out to be.

The evening ends with David forcing Babyface to perform an improv ballad based on a suggestion from the group. Kim, who's apparently also in this episode, suggests the eye-rolling title "I Love My Life." (I love you, Kim, but we get it; you're sober.) Brandi then suggests "fingerbanging" because there's nothing funnier than fingerbanging. If there's one message you take away from this episode, it should be that: there's nothing funnier than fingerbanging.

Verdict

Um, YEAH. It's a privilege and an honor to witness the self-destruction of a reality star. This episode is Brandi's Grizzly Man.

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