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The Answer To A Question No One Asked

What's Lisa really after in bringing up Eileen's infidelity? Does Bethenny dream about brands? And other not-so-burning questions from RHOBH.

Do you think Lisa was just digging for Young & the Restless spoilers?

I'm honestly at a loss as to why Lisa Vanderpump was grilling Eileen so hard about her and Vince's infidelity-rooted marriage. Why now? If Lisa was this curious and/or judgy about Eileen being a man-stealer, why didn't she bring this up last year? (The answer, of course, is that Brandi was busy passive-aggressively bringing this up last year, and there was a real Don't Do What Donny Don't Does aura around Brandi last year.) Still, this has all the trappings of a classic Vanderpump power play; I'm just not sure why she's doing it. Eileen is an ally. Or at the very least a benign neutral. Is this low-key paypack for being abandoned at the Bella party last week? If so, why did Kyle and Rinna escape un-interrogated?

I do think the ultimate culprit here was that Lisa was pretty drunk by the time she and Eileen got into it, but here's what I also think: Vanderpump Rules has turned Lisa into a busybody. Her job on that show is to be an impeccably put-together Mrs. Roper, butting into the kids' business at every turn. She's not required to call upon the same finesse that she needs to use with women her own age, and now those muscles have atrophied. And she's going to need them back, because Eileen and Erika both have her number.

How much longer before we finally get Housewives All-Stars?

The big news this week was what this Hamptons excursion has been building to: Bethenny Frankel enters the fray via her IRL friendship with Kyle. We get some honestly humanizing moments from Kyle, including a pretty sensible explanation of why she doesn't mind talking about Kim with Bethenny vs. the other BevHillz bitches. But did we need the twenty gratuitous Bethenny-fluffing moments? Not that I didn't enjoy Lisa Rinna talking about how she was a friend of Kelly Bensimon's until she met Bethenny and decided she liked Bethenny better (!).

More importantly, Bethenny mixed it up with Erika, deploying that classic Bethenny "OMG I love you, you're a goddamn mess" tone she takes with Ramona and Sonja. Only Erika is not a sloppy lunatic like those two. She handled herself like a pro and explained her brand pretty well. And it seemed like they ended on friendly enough terms? Erika doesn't seem like her first instinct is to fight, and I don't think it's her second instinct either. She seems more than content to wait to fire off drag-queen-dry shade in her interviews and then call it a day.

If Bethenny's presence reminded me of one thing, though, it's my billion-dollar idea for Housewives All-Stars, essentially a mini-season starring a mix of Housewives from different cities, all sent on a vacation, since that's where all the good stuff happens anyway. Call me, Andy Cohen, we can make this happen.

Do you think you could count Erika Jayne's fans who aren't gay men on one hand?

"There's a big difference between being around a crowd of gay guys and being around women," Erika said. I would think so. I would imagine it's a little harder to make this group of women holler "YAAASSSS" every time you pat the puss. It's not that I don't respect the music career Erika has built for herself. Gay backup dancers need women like Erika or else they'll just be dancing on top of bars at Flaming Saddles the rest of their lives.

Has anybody checked Yolanda's breast implants for pinpricks?

So, okay, I don't actually think Yolanda is making herself (or her kids) sick. She's not pouring capfuls of ammonia into the soup like Mischa Barton's mom in The Sixth Sense. But I do think there is a significant psychosomatic component to her ailment, which hopefully means that as soon as she starts to believe she's done enough drastic housecleaning of her body, she'll start to get better. And apparently her breast implants were leaking shit all through her chest, which can't be good. I just want Yolanda to be able to step away from the table and decide she's removed enough impurities from herself before she becomes Julianne Moore in Safe.

Can we please stop disrespecting the legacy of Ed Masry?

Lisa Rinna became merely the latest to describe Erika's husband as "the guy they made Erin Brockovich about." First of all, I'm pretty sure Erin Brockovich is the guy they made Erin Brockovich about. Second of all, every time this gets said, I have to run to Wikipedia to make sure that Ed Masry, the guy Albert Finney played in the movie, was indeed a real person. He was. Now, I get that movies sometimes create composites, and that the film's version of Ed probably did and said some things that the real Masry did and some that Tom Girardi did, but after some light reading on the subject, it seems that Girardi is probably more analogous to the Peter Coyote. And Peter Coyote's character is definitely NOT the guy they made Erin Brockovich about.

Can Erika be the only person allowed to use Instagram hashtags?

Okay, FINE, I like Erika. Her music career is ridiculous, but she handles herself very well with these women, and she articulates her career quite well. Plus she says things like she'd be happy to represent for all the hookers out there, and she's fond of a #cunt hashtag. Not in a mean way, she assures Rinna and Eileen. No, she uses it like the drag queen she desperately wants to be. And I can't judge a girl for desperately wanting to be a drag queen, because who wouldn't?

Which one of Lisa's many pets will be killed if she ever apologizes even once?

I was less sympathetic when Brandi and Kyle were whining all over this show about how Lisa Vanderpump never admits when she's wrong, and I certainly think Eileen is being oversensitive about Lisa's questions earlier. But can Lisa not see that the thing to do here is just apologize to Eileen, not mean it, and go about your day? Like, sure, Eileen is just trying to pull a Kyle and make sure nobody talks about anything that would make her marriage look bad on camera. But a) who cares? and b) you wouldn't have to spend so much time listening to these American women bitch about their dumb feelings if you would just lead with a very convincing but very insincere apology. It's the only way we won't get seven more episodes of this.

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