Screens: Bravo

So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, GO AWAY

The Housewives spend an episode saying adieu to their children (and viewers, probably).

Lisa V. Talks To Her Son (On The Phone)

Considering that the "Previously On…" includes a lot of footage of the Housewives crying over their various broods and absolutely nothing about Brandi's drunken antics from last week, expect this to be another fragmented episode in which two Housewives never share the same room. To get things started, Lisa V. talks on the phone to her son about…stuff. The phone call is just an excuse for Lisa to update us, via confessional, on her son's doings. Which are nil. He quit music college and is now serving out a sentence of indentured servitude at Sur.

Goodbye, Alexia (Part I)

It's time to drop Alexia off at the University of Arizona, which means lots of Kyle talking about how she doesn't know what she's going to do without her daughter and a lot of Alexia ignoring the entire proceedings while playing Kwazy Kupcakes on her phone. While taking a tour of the campus, we learn that Kyle used to want to be a lawyer -- and entirely blames her mother not encouraging her as the reason she never went to college -- and Mauricio is a goober who tries to splash people every time he's near a fountain.

Goodbye, Bella (Part I)

At least we're dispensing with all the kids going away to college now so I don't have to hear about them for the rest of the season. No campus tour for Yolanda and Bella, because, as the brochures for every New York college that rejected me after high school say, "The CITY is your campus!" Literally, this scene is just Yolanda and Bella looking at her stuff in the back of the moving truck before Bella's like, "Late for class! Gotta go!"

Brandi And Her Lawyer

Eddie Cibrian wants Brandi to pay back $114,000 in child support because she probably spent it all on tequila and lipstick. For some reason, Brandi's lawyer had to take her to Starbucks to tell her this.

Eileen And Her Stepsons

Eileen, through lacy lingerie and sexy whispering, seduces her two stepsons and their two friends while Vince drinks a cabernet and watches from the corner. Just kidding. She makes them broccolini.

Goodbye, Bella (Part II)

Yolanda is a "do-it-yourselver" and never got no help from no one which is why she's paying all of Bella's college and living expenses. Also, this rug:

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Goodbye, Alexia (Part II)

While Alexia is out rushing her sorority, Kyle and clan meet up with oldest daughter, Farrah, at a resort which is indistinguishable from the UA campus. Kyle waxes rhapsodic about how Alexia is an "old soul" while everyone else keeps quiet so she can successfully wring some fake tears out of the situation.

Lisa Rinna At Work

Proving that she will (and must) take every job offered to her, Lisa Rinna shows up on set at her good friend Penn Jillette's new movie in which she'll be playing Lisa Rinna. In the car ride over, Lisa does, among others, the "red leather yellow leather" vocal exercise, and I can't quite tell if she's trolling us or actually thinks she needs to rehearse for this cameo. Penn Jillette looks even more than usual like a bloated casino-boat blackjack dealer who fell overboard and was just fished out of the Gulf of Mexico that morning.

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Goodbye, Bella (Part III)

Bella bought a Hallmark card for Yolanda and wrote in it an apology for that time she got a DUI five episodes ago. Yolanda reads it aloud for us all to hear. They hug. I think I'm going to make broccolini for dinner.

Brandi Watches TV

Brandi doesn't want to watch her ex-husband's reality show, Leann & Eddie; she has to in case they talk about her kids. So, since she has to watch, she's gathered her Hairstylist/Houseguest, Kim, and two others in her guest bed to watch the premiere and talk about how pathetic it is that Eddie and Leann constantly talk about Brandi on their reality show. Brandi is 41 and has literally never heard of irony. Then Brandi pulls out her $1,000 child-support check and complains about how it will maybe pay for groceries for a week. Either Brandi only shops at the secret endangered animal butchery for rich people, or the woman who does Brandi's shopping has convinced her that milk costs $73 a gallon.

Lisa V. Talks To her Son (In Person)

Max shows up at the Vanderpump estate, seemingly for the sole purpose of telling his parents that he arrived there in his sugar mama's car which he is not registered to drive. Nor is he registered to drive his actual car, nor has that car passed a smog test. Lisa and Ken furrow their brows and Max laughs it off and I have a perfect red rice/quinoa blend that will go well with the broccolini.

Goodbye, Alexia (Part III)

Kyle and clan meet up again with Alexis to discuss…I don't even know, you guys. Five-year-old Portia is as done with this episode as I am:

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Cancer Party Prep

Lisa R. has her designer friend over so they can plan some sort of jewelry fundraiser for cancer, which sounds like something I just made up but I promise is a real thing. Details are set and Lisa reacts to a bee like they teach you to in school: by flailing her arms while keeping her good side facing the camera.

Goodbye, Duke (???)

Somebody told Eileen that the theme of this episode is Farewell To Children, so she pretends to make a big deal about her stepson going back to Texas for his senior year of college. I'll miss you, Duke, and the saucy affair I imagined you having with your stepmom.

Goodbye, Alexia (Part IV)

JESUS CHRIST, GOODBYE ALREADY. Again, Portia, who refuses to wake up to say goodbye to her sister, is the only person in this family I can get behind.

Verdict

Did so little happen during the filming of this season that almost an entire episode was devoted to shipping Housewife offspring off to college? Apparently. This was simply the very, VERY dull calm before the storm, though, because next week features Kim possibly falling off the wagon and yelling at Lisa Rinna on a bus.

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