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RinnUGH's Got Baggage And Cool Ranch Throws A Party On RHOBH

It's P.K.'s birthday and, almost, Kim's intervention in this week's episode. Plus: Boy George!

"Not Big, But Special"

P.K.'s 49th birthday is around the corner and Cool Ranch is determined to throw him a party. Nothing big, but hopefully it feels intimate and special. Which feels very on brand. Also on brand: a surprise performance by Boy George. They meet with their party planner Corey to iron out the details.

Full Price For A Full Moon

Performing at 3 AM, Erika suggests she and Kyle stay up all night and sleep all day over a sunset dinner by the sea. (Safe to assume Erika is Céline and Kyle is Jesse; can we get them a one-off vacation spin-off?) They bond over their long, successful marriages and talk about how it feels to go from being housewives to having careers of their own, especially as women in their mid-to-late forties. Erika asks about Kyle's scripted series and, free of the burden of Eden, we get some details about her childhood and the elusive mother she says "could be scary" and was the type of person "you either loved or hated."

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(It's probably nothing, but with Kim and Kyle's childhood still a huge question mark/trigger seven seasons in (Big Kathy is to this series what Arthur is to Westworld), it's worth noting that "you're either gonna love me or hate me" was how RHONJ Danielle Staub described herself, too.)

Erika calls Tom to tell him how much he means to her in a moment that feels -- sorry, Erika -- a little fake and on-the-nose. Thankfully, Tom saves it by playfully suggesting he bought that night's full moon just for her.

All Aboard The Starlight Express

Emboldened by last week's visit to the set of Erika's video, RinnUGH and Eileen go rollerblading. It's a solid enough setup (for purely selfish, disgusting recapping reasons, of course), but they invite Cool Ranch, who doesn't know how to rollerblade and dresses as Iggy Azalea to compensate. So instead of capitalizing on the original duo's sepia-toned aura and paving the way for a future roller-derby trip or a self-financed production of Starlight Express, the trio ends up sitting in the middle of a park so Cool Ranch can address her upcoming party and everyone can call Erika to wish her luck at the same time, presumably to save minutes on their plans. Zzzz.

(If you can't resist: watch until Eileen professes her love for rollerblading and tequila shots, then fast-forward to see Erika and Kyle's eyes bulge out of their heads when they hear their friends are "rollerblading in the valley.")

It Takes A Village

Erika's supposed to go on in an hour but she's still in hair and makeup. To paraphrase Mikey: she'll get there when she gets there, goddammit! Now grab a brush and start giving the dancers more abs than humanly possible!

A Cloud Over Villa Rosa

Eden makes her first appearance at Villa Rosa for tea. The other women generally seem to like her, save Kim and Kyle, but make no mistake: it's these Don Corleone tea-party job interviews that really matter.

It's not all bad. Starting with a story about a three-week relationship that ended because the guy "attacked" her, though, isn't great. Asked to expand, she says he was a smoker and decided to quit using nicotine gum. One day, after eating a burger and reaching for the gum, she called him out on his "addictive personality." He started by saying "I've dated Type-A women before and…" and that's when she broke up with him. Eden couldn't believe it, still can't! Neither can LVP, albeit for completely different reasons.

That's when the big pony kicks the little pony (a metaphor if there ever was) and the conversation turns to Eden's sobriety and the Richards sisters' relationship. Again, I get where she's coming from. But she knew them three decades ago for 15 minutes and it's been 15 minutes since they reconnected, so please, give it a rest. At the very least let it build! Or acknowledge that this is a show and that you watched the previous seasons. She needs to give us something about herself other than that her last name is Sassoon and that her sister died, because being an overly familiar stranger is making her stick out like a sore thumb.

At least some good's coming out of Eden's morbid fascination with the Richardses: there's finally light in LVP's eyes again! I've been rough on her in the past, but having a worthwhile cause that involves people as opposed to animals is a nice change of pace. Don't expect a call on Monday, Eden.

"Pretty Mess"

Erika's half an hour late and it's time for her entourage to circle up for a "prayer" led by Mikey; it's their version of "Clear Minds, Full Hearts, Can't Lose" but the "full hearts" part is throbbing cocks and it's capped off with everyone shouting "pretty mess." Now all Erika has to do is climb an elaborate series of staircases and ladders in custom Chanel boots because the stage is on the side of a cliff.

Xanax Smoothies And A Bag O' Pills

Eden hosts RinnUGH and Cool Ranch for a quiet night in. We learn she has an 11-year-old son named Tyler and lives in a house I designed on The Sims. Eden gives her guests one of her specialty smoothies and it's almost a whole minute before Cool Ranch wishes she had a handle of Tito's to top it off with out loud.

The party blows until RinnUGH admits she's put Xanax in a smoothie before and pulls a sandwich bag filled with vitamins and at least a few Quaaludes out of her purse, to everyone's surprise. It's a cross between Samantha's hormone regimen in SATC 2, Julianne Moore's pharmacy order in Magnolia, and Yolanda's medicine closet from last season. In case something got lost in translation: it's a hoot and troubling.

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Eden reveals she takes medication, like Xanax; Cool Ranch's head explodes.

An Impromptu Photoshoot

Back at the compound, Kyle eats some pasta while Erika stages a photoshoot opposite the sunrise. With enough berating, she gets Kyle to put her swimsuit on and join her by the pool to take some pictures. My one complaint is that "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" or one of Erika's songs didn't play over the scene. Even Kyle's deranged talking head is fun…in its own way.

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[Corey Throw Out] The Partition, Please

It's time to celebrate a 49-year-old basket of fish and chips and the woman who loves it! Only, everything is wrong! Cool Ranch hates the mostly dead, sad-looking flower arrangements outside and the godawful black drape partitioning where her party's taking place inside. Finally, the pre-party sequence I've been waiting for.

A Monster Calls

LVP calls Kyle to check in since she's home now. Portia takes the phone and tells her she wants to see the ponies and have a sleepover at Villa Rosa. The takeaway from this scene is that Kyle and LVP are both wearing black to P.K.'s party.

Celebrating The Pringle King

Cool Ranch quits doting on Boy George long enough not to spoil the surprise and greet her guests. Erika's met with a dig about how her outfit's a big step up from the last time Cool Ranch saw her; RinnUGH bursts through the door and starts inviting everyone to her upcoming barbeque; Kim greets P.K. with an English accent and hobbles down the stairs with the help of Eden -- whom she doesn't thank -- because she has a bum leg; Mario Lopez wanders in the background. Cool Ranch and P.K. go off to spread the rumor about their water damage, so everyone forms a little group. Cue the Intervention music.

Kim's tells RinnUGH, Eileen, and Eden that waiting for her grandchild to be born makes her feel the way she did when she had kids, which Eden reads way too much into and tries to make it seem like this is a stressor tied to relapse, forcing Kim to clarify. Next, Kyle shows up and everyone's looking at the pictures from Mykonos. And what's this? Camille's there, too!

With everyone in place, P.K. introduces Cool Ranch and she reads a little speech (she jokes about how wordy she is and RinnUGH LOVES it) and then reveals Boy George, to everyone's delight.

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It's a great party filled with a ton of little moments, such as: wild dancing to "Karma Chameleon"; Boy George excusing himself to slip into something a little more comfortable, like another country; Eden kissing LVP and Erika on the lips; Erika's talking heads; Kim vaping indoors while she gives Kyle the play-by-play of her exchange with Eden; and the best: Cool Ranch telling LVP about her trip to Eden's house and RinnUGH's bag of pills.

Cool Ranch being Cool Ranch, though, she tells the story wrong and LVP's confused, bringing us to a really uncomfortable moment in which she tells her #1 fan to "pull the pole" out of her ass and listen because they weren't all bad pills. Then LVP leaves diplomatically, presumably to start plotting her revenge. Karma Chameleon comes and goes.

Verdict

This week isn't RHOBH at its best, but it's a serious mindless step in the right direction.

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