The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills 'Glomps' It All Together In Part 3 Of The Reunion

A furious death rattle of an episode, in which everyone's doing The Most.

This season of RHOBH wasn't great. It was an improvement over the last few years, for sure, but it still wasn't quite there. The show itself is in the weird position of being a victim of its own success. Who would have guessed its first three seasons would yield such dark, wonderfully twisted TV? Somehow, the stars aligned. Now they're the problem.

Few of the women like each other and all of them -- well, not you, Mrs. Potato Head (Cool Ranch; Dorit) -- are too self-aware. Not that it wasn't always the case, but it's become more of a vanity project and necessary evil if they're going to sustain momentum for their brands, more than anything else. There are moments -- each woman does have her own strengths -- but it's mostly half-assed affair. When it's not, it's worse. Then we see them straining to create something, anything to fill the void.

I enjoyed the season. But let's be clear, the network threw a handful of Doritos on top of a half-full bowl of stale Lay's at the party they're hosting. Which is great; I'm fucking starving. It's not really a long-term solution, though, and the women know that.

So while I want to scream every time LVP struts out across her shockingly green lawn (Yulin's something, but what about the California drought, huh?) like she's Maria von Trapp or Kyle's spotted in her red "The Agency" hat --- by the way, joke's on me because I desperately want to try Vanderpump Rosé and see The Agency location a friend of mine said is gorgeous -- everyone turns it to their version of an "11" in this week's final hour. It's insulting to our intelligence (Wait, what show am I talking about?) as viewers, but also who cares, it's fucking great.

Let's take a look at this week's so-called losers.

  1. Erika
    She kind of gets lost in the grand scheme of things this week. Which is fine, she had enough time to shine the first two parts. S/O for defending Kim and treating her with respect. Boo/Hiss for aligning herself with the show's Boris and Natasha, RinnUGH and Eileen.
  2. Lisa Vanderpump
    This really bums me out. She just sort of makes me sad now. I'll always love being around her and her starched Oxford collar of a brand, but if this is what she's giving us I'd prefer having nothing at all. Her insistence on meddling and mediating in equal measure are qualities better suited for Vanderpump Rules, another previously great show and one that desperately needs her. It's tough, but now we said it.

    And honestly, I don't think she'll be back next season. It wouldn't surprise me if she is, but it felt like she and Andy were subtly saying goodbye last night. And it felt right. At least she got one moment in, asking Kim to bring back tea for her when she leaves to find RinnUGH. Sure, it happened last week but let's let her have this one.

  3. Kyle
    Kyle's has this week's best showing, and for these purposes, that's a problem. Whether it's true or something she came up on the fly now that she's been sitting in on Portia's improv classes, she smartly nudges Kim in RinnUGH's direction with some story about how she's superstitious. But this is a retread of last week. Mostly, she's painted herself into such a nice generic corner as this relatively likable, sympathetic figure. Good for her, that's the goal. But it's boring.

    Props to her for unintentionally throwing some of the night's best shade by insinuating only she and Kim remained from the first season and continuing to serve such great face. Really, her reaction shots are unparalleled.

  4. Eden
    It's hard to tell whether or not Eden will be a featured player again next season, but I doubt it. It's hard to imagine anyone giving her the time of day. And maybe it's better that way. Maybe it's better the show didn't tease the crazy that came bubbling up to the surface out of her completely yet. Goodbye Eden. I liked when you shouted at people, you should have done it more. We hardly knew ye or ye wig closet.
  5. Cool Ranch
    Other than the valid point that RinnUGH is a hypocrite for feigning ignorance because she "crucifies" everyone for forgetting anything, this is a bit of a wash. The difference, though, is I got a kick out of her long-winded arguments that don't make a ton of sense and are basically like, "Lisa, I never said you had a Xanax problem, I asked Eden if she thought you seemed 'induced' because she said you don't make any sense and can't remember, and also you told us you do Xanax. You put it in your smoothies."

    Or, "Lisa, I don't know why everyone left the table at my dinner party or why I left the table, either. I was the host! I was probably discharging the wait staff, or checking on my children, or doing coke in my bathroom upstairs, it could have been a number of things."

  6. Andy
    I like that he becomes less of a host and just another fan of the show while watching everything go down between Kim and RinnUGH. And in saying that, it makes it even better when he seems to disregard his position entirely because his focus is on getting that rabbit back to the WWHL Clubhouse. However, lest we forget, his expert poking and prodding are what help spur these great reactions. So thanks!

    Oh, and I liked the decision to end with a smoothie toast -- albeit for all the wrong reasons.

  7. Kim
    It's a lot of spillover from last week, but hey, it works like a charm. I also like that one of the stars of Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! (Hear me out, her final scene is great…) has the audacity to look down on Eileen because of some distinction in her head about soap stars versus movie stars. (Is she the movie star in this scenario?) I get what she's saying about Eileen's flair for the dramatic, but it's a half-baked argument at best. Though it's also kind of moot since everyone already laughed about how terrible her acting is at that local film festival a while back.

    Even worse, she's unable to see or acknowledge the parallels in her and Eden's lives and thinks she was using her (Kim's) sobriety for a storyline. Great TV, though.

  8. Eileen

    Eileen isn't fucking around. Eileen's getting her contract renewed if it's the last thing she does. And this is why I know Eileen is a great actress: Andy literally doesn't have anything to say to her. So, rather than be cut from the scene, she creates her own opportunities by jumping in whenever she can, often to hilarious effect. She's doing The Most. Not as much as her BFF, but more than enough.

    She's sniping at Kyle for what was really just a stupid, nothing "joke" about RinnUGH's lips, saying you Kyle was being really, really mean." …As if that reaction wasn't borne out of RinnUGH saying Kim was going to DIE! She literally brings up how Kim is always using "soap star" as a slur and unfairly "glomping" her and RinnUGH in together herself. Because, hey, today's the day, and Andy probably won't do it, so why the fuck not, right? She's throwing it out there that she wanted that Shar Pei in Hong Kong, even though nobody cared when they were all actually there. And then she's almost ruining LVP's poignant moment discussing Max's search for his biological parents by saying "Wow" (her perfect catchphrase) eight hundred times so the camera's sure to cut to her.

    Eileen is, like Kim says, split evenly between this economical, basic person and the Kristen Wiig character Mindy Gracin. She's a Housewife, and yet somehow a great, welcome addition. It's inspired work.

  9. Lisa RinnUGH
    Two walk offs, a Staples Easy-like button that says, "Fuck you," a bag of pills, multiple deflections and accusations, and the notion that she's somehow Kim's meal ticket. (For the record, she's not.) There's not a stone in sight she leaves unturned. It's sweaty, it's desperate, it's gross, and thank god it's happening because I don't know what this reunion would have been without it.
Readers liked this episode
What did you think?