Screens: Bravo

My Sister's Keeper (Away From Me)

Brandi and Kyle continue to fight, metaphorically and literally, over Kim's soul.

Post-Poker Party Pandemonium

We begin tonight where we left off last week, with Kim stoned, Brandi plastered, and Kyle trying to corral one while scrapping with the other. Somehow, last week, I missed Brandi hurling Kim's slice of sober-up pizza in the air while shoving Kyle away from her sister. Kim noticed; once outside, it's her main concern.

That is, until Kyle breaks her dumbfounded spell long enough to make her way outside. After comparing "injuries" and shouting at each other about who loves Kim more, Kyle is finally able to wrestle her sister away from Brandi. Brandi retreats back to the porch, where Eileen and Lisa R. are gawking at the whole affair. Welcome to the show, ladies! It's mostly mimosas and charity parakeet auctions, but occasionally two sisters will expose their deep, decades-long feud for the world to see.

Brandi tells the new Housewives that Kyle and Kim "hate each other," which Eileen immediately pegs as drama-fueling nonsense. Nevertheless, Brandi continues to tell us through confessionals that she and Kim are the best of friends and that Kyle hasn't been as supportive of her sister during the months they weren't filming. It feels like Brandi is playing up her end of the friendship just to piss off Kyle, but when she (after not long at all) reenters the sisterly fray, Kim exclaims that she can't stand choosing between her sister and her "best friend." I just feel bad for Kim, who's clearly fallen into the clutches of a master-level lunatic. Brandi then grabs on to Kyle's arms again to show her the supposed damage that Kyle's inflicted upon her, and all three women slow-mo crash into the garage. This is some sloppy business. Eileen's husband Vince can't get enough.

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Eventually, Lisa makes her way over. Big mistake. Kim blames Lisa for telling Kyle that she was acting up in the car ride over, even though it was quite clear during the entire poker party that Kim was smashed as shit. Lisa, mortified and desperate to remove herself from the evening's proceedings, offers to drive home with Kyle while Kim and Brandi take the other car. A few minutes go by before Kim reaches the serenity level of her drug trip and starts leaning against Brandi and wondering aloud if they should go apologize. Brandi's incensed, and claims that she's gonna "fucking kill" Kyle for cutting her wrist. In comes Eileen with the best quote of the night: "Oh, come on. How about a little Neosporin? Get a grip."

Eileen Needs To Talk

Eileen sits down Vince so he can listen to her float theories about the twisted triangle that is Kyle, Kim, and Brandi. She correctly labels Brandi as toxic agent in Kim's life. Again, right on point: "I don't know who started the drama, but I know who's keeping it up."

"Oh, Rumpy, You're So Rumpy!"

Lisa V. sits on her garden bench with her five dogs, awaiting the arrival of dog #6, who's been away at training camp. It should not surprise you that all five dogs fit on the bench with her.

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It should also not surprise you that their names are Giggy, Pikachu, Lollipop, Daddy-o (Giggy's dad), and Pink Dog (who is dyed pink, obvi). The trainer arrives with Rumpy, who is, I am actually surprised to find out, a golden retriever. The trainer has also dragged along Rumpy's girlfriend, who Lisa promptly adopts rather than separate the couple, and names Pumpy. A "bitch" pun is made.

Yolanda & Bella

Watch for the five minutes it takes Grandma Yolanda to figure out how to make the image of her daughter face right-side-up on her phone during their FaceTime chat...

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...and then fast-forward so you don't have to hear Yolanda talk, again, about what a proud mama she is.

Lisa Needs To Talk

Lisa R. (positioned ever so picturesquely on her lanai)...

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...calls Kyle to check in on her, but mostly to make sure that there'll be no fighting at her charity jewelry sale. Oh, Lisa! You're such a rube.

Yolanda & Anwar

Jeez, Yolanda, enough with your kids. Watch as Yolanda awkwardly tries to get her son, Anwar, to play along on-camera while he eats berries and doesn't make eye contact with their maid. Or don't!

Brandi Needs To Talk

Brandi's "Friend and Addiction Specialist" (whom I'm hoping knows Brandi's similarly-chyroned "Houseguest and Hairstylist") stops by so that Brandi can talk about Kim breaking her sobriety on-camera while Kim's not there. Told you not to trust the bitch, Kim. All Friend and Addiction Specialist has to say is, "Why does everything crazy happen to you in Malibu?" Maybe because she's an unstable arrangement of vodka bottles that barely needs to be pushed to come crashing down.

Kyle, Sister Of The Year

Kyle "feels bad" that she can't stay home and cook dinner for Mauricio, because she has to go see Kim, who is now in the hospital for some unspecified reason. Seriously, that is how she chooses to deliver the news. I'm not saying Brandi's right about Kyle's not being a good sister, but if my sister, after being sober for two years, was in so much pain that she first had to break her sobriety by taking a Vicodin and then had to be taken to the hospital, I probably wouldn't stop to talk about the pressures of her life to my husband and reality show cameras.

Pre-Party Gossip

Before everyone can drive to Lisa R.'s party, Yolanda stops by Kyle's so that she can fill Yolanda in on the events of the poker party, and Eileen does the same at Lisa V.'s. Lisa is not surprised that Kim was acting up, considering she's pretty "wackadoodle" when she's sober, and Yolanda blames alcohol as a destroyer of lives. Yolanda's comment prompts one of the only smart things Kyle's ever said: "Not for everybody. Some people are capable of having a few drinks and having a good time." It would be exhausting being Brandi's drinking buddy.

Jewelry Party

It's time for Lisa R. to sell some bracelets to support breast cancer research, and for absolutely nothing else to happen, am I right, ladies?

Everybody shows up except Kim, who's still in the hospital. Brandi is dressed "appropriately" because she's also going to be attending Parents' Night at her kid's school.

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Denise Richards is in attendance as well, for some reason. Lisa V. thinks it's perfectly appropriate to bring up Charlie Sheen with her just because both of their Bentleys were stolen and crashed on the same night. Denise Richards is not pleased.

Kyle has no interest in speaking to Brandi and pretends to be extremely interested in something jangly as soon Brandi walks over. She is, however, fine with telling everyone that she's hosting a "gay mixer," the theme of which is apparently gay men. "Bring your tops and bottoms, and I don't mean your bathing suits," Kyle declares. Wow. Just wow. (The previews for next week make it look even worse than you could possibly imagine.)

Yolanda grabs Brandi so that she can hear both sides of the story, but also to tell her to stop being such a sloppy drunk. Unsurprisingly, Brandi -- who showed up today with a bottle of champagne -- doesn't want to be told how much she's allowed to drink: "I'm a grown-ass woman." Are you, though? Eileen then swings by their powwow to let Brandi know that she didn't appreciate her referring to her home's décor as "American Gothic." (Actually, Brandi said American Psycho, but really meant just Psycho, so we're farther and farther away from any semblance of cultural literacy.) Eileen also had a problem with Brandi's loud profanities during the party, since her son was upstairs sleeping at the time. To her face, Brandi is sorta-apologetic, but during her confessional she's as antagonistic as ever, fighting back against her "mean girl" label. And doing a terrible job at it.

Kyle And Lisa Need To Talk

Lisa V. and Kyle ditch the party to grab a drink and bite to eat at Villa Blanca (where Lisa drinks wine with ice) and discuss what a trashy person Brandi is, some more. Lisa tells Kyle that she learned after last year never to trust Brandi, and that she's surprised Kyle wasn't as cautious. Kyle says that she'll eventually behave more amicably toward Brandi, but didn't really feel like it today: "I can forgive Brandi, but I don't want to."

Verdict

There's a bunch of random fluff in the middle, including more time with Yolanda's kids than anyone needs, but I can't not recommend an episode that features a physical altercation. It's in the Housewives Recapper Handbook.

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