Lisa Rinna Embraces Her Snake Skin On RHOBH
And in one move no one saw coming this week, Erika Girardi brings Erika Jayne (and Kyle) to Mykonos!
"It looks like the 1980s!"
It's time for Erika to shoot the video for her latest single, "XXpen$ive." Its set may look like the midpoint between She-Devil and the opening number in Death Becomes Her, but alas, it's another straightforward take on a dance track, not the avant-garde commentary on aging, wealth, and celebrity (by way of Meryl Streep) my heart desires. Though maybe I'm asking too much.
After all, Erika knows what her brand is and how it should look; she doesn't just lean into it, she throws herself into it and rubs up against every inch. A compliment, I swear! That's what makes her pseudo-apology for it in a talking head all the more disappointing. It's obvious Erika Girardi is stung from Panty Gate and the other women talking about her behind her back, and rightfully so. Thankfully, Erika Jayne gives zero fucks.
Here's the proof.
We don't see much of the new video. Some jumping around on a bed; cash flying around the set; Mikey screaming directions into a microphone to keep things moving, as if it's the fourth hour of an orgy in the Girardis' pool house; Lipps, Inc. and Mannequin (Rinna and Eileen, respectively) sneaking in; Eileen exclaiming that the set "looks like the 1980s," which is cute, but also something she probably does a few times a day. After weeks of building to this moment there's little to no payoff. Skip it!
That "Cool Ranch" Flavor
This scene takes all my least favorite things about Cool Ranch and her green, undercooked crisp of a husband and rolls them into one. The couple's doing a quick layover in their kitchen for some wine before heading upstairs, and it's perfect timing because Jagger's about to eat dinner with a nanny. So it's a win-win: they get wine and the opportunity to look like semi-involved parents in the process; everybody wins!
Cool Ranch asks Jagger some rhetorical questions, repeating his name at the end of each one, as if he was originally named "Brian" or something else common and she wants to wants to wipe the slate before he turns three and starts forming memories. In reality, she's setting the stage for him to grow up referring to himself in the third-person in a talking head on Vanderpump Rules -- but I'm getting off topic. The point is that the overall effect is somewhere between grating and disturbing.
Upstairs, Cool Ranch gets dressed and tells Pringle King about how the women were offended by Panty Gate and that Eileen has a problem with her. P.K. gets a few digs in about the women before agreeing that it takes his wife for-fucking-ever to tell a story and circling back to say she should have shut Eileen down the first time. But, whatever the case, his wife's the right one in this mess. Then he makes a crack about how all the women are crazy except Vanderpump. You know, the woman who lives in a house replete with its own menagerie, on a hill, surrounded by a moat.
Velma Kelly & Roxie Hart!
Rinna and Eileen dick around on one of Erika's sets pretending to be in their own music video. (Remember, the music they're dancing to was added in post-production!) It's also established that Erika's going to Mykonos and Kyle's going with her. Am I alone in feeling blindsided by this last-minute trip reveal? Feel free to skip this because the important part's re-established later on.
Mo' Malibu Listings, Mo' Problems?
Ken and Lisa join Kyle, Mauricio and Portia in Malibu to…check out one of his listings? Mauricio shows them around the (admittedly gorgeous) property while Kyle walks us through her own empty property in a talking-head. As frustrating as it is to hear someone complain about success and the riches it brings, I'll give Kyle that it's at least interesting in terms of a franchise where that ideal, or the appearance of it, is the endgame. Still, valid as her feelings are, she's reaching if she thinks anyone feels bad for her because Mauricio's one of the top real estate brokers in the country.
Afterwards they go to lunch and Portia takes pictures of LVP using Snapchat filters. Which unfortunately leads to two regrettable bits of information: 1) LVP wants to be called "Nanny Pinky" by her grandchildren; 2) Portia wants to own a yacht and name it "Rosé, You Say?" Yuck.
"Vomiting This, Like, Spitfire Fuel"
Rinna and Eden are shopping when the conversation turns to Kyle's game night. Eden's nothing but compliments when Rinna cuts her off to go on a tear about Kim because, well, she can't help herself. Rinna defends herself saying she was nice (condescending, really) to Kim all night and that Kim started it with her negative remarks and general sourpuss aura. Eden concurs and adds that Kim was "vomiting this, like, spitfire fuel," whatever that means. Both are disappointed Kyle always stays out of it.
In Malibu, Ken mentions game night. The table's in agreement that Rinna should have handled it better and took it too far when she asked Kim if she wanted to talk about her arrest. Rinna was gross, but let's not forget: Kim was angling for that fight. Kyle doesn't really want to talk about it, so LVP sets us up for a "Best Of" montage of the Richards sisters' tumultuous relationship in her talking-head.
Back at the store, Eden says she didn't feel a connection to Kyle and that she "got no love" that night. (Technically untrue since Cool Ranch totally would have gone to second with her in the bathroom.) Rinna's surprised and says maybe it's because she was playing hostess all night. Eden floats the idea of going to lunch because she "wants to feel connected" and "will know her," which sounds ominous. Then the conversation turns back to Kim. Eden's sober and therefore a more reliable source for input than Rinna, but the scene turns into a nightmarish hellscape.
Rinna says she thinks Kim's "mostly sober." Eden offers to help Kyle (big mistake) and Kim (bigger mistake) in any way she can, then [light bulb emoji] suggests maybe Kyle was cold to her because she's sober too, so maybe she sees her sister in her. Rinna hops aboard that train of thought and throws out that Kyle is Kim's enabler, so she's probably threatened or doesn't know how to act around Eden. Okay, partial credit.
Eden says she takes a more tough-love approach and that the day her sister died she left her a voicemail asking to meet and Eden deleted it. Rinna's genuine, maybe the most genuine she's ever been when she takes Eden's hands and cites that fear as Kyle's main issue, but it's unclear what she wants her, or anyone, to do with that information. Finally she says that, to her, what happens next is that Kim dies, because she's thisclose to dying. Whatever the intentions, the whole thing is sickening and misguided. You should still watch, though.
An Unexpected Trip
Erika's packing for the Mykonos International Gay Festival, which marks her first trip abroad as Erika Jayne, and the chance to introduce herself to all of Europe. Kyle's the only one going and meeting her there. Try to stop it at that point, if you can. Otherwise you'll hear them complain about the 8-10 trunks they're bringing and laugh about making someone else pack them because manual labor isn't really their thing.
"Was Your Mom A Drinker?"
Kyle has lunch with Rinna and Eden. She lets Eden try her mother's wedding ring on (10.5 carats!) and they talk about her mother. Only Eden wants to go deep, so she starts asking if her mother was a drinker and if that's where Kim's alcoholism stems from, and what, if anything, Kim's treatment regimen is. Rinna sits silently, watching the exchange dressed in -- wait for it -- a snakeskin print! Eden tells Kyle that Kim reminds her of her own sister because her energy is "heavy and sad." Kyle's alarms are raised and it's clear she wants to flee the table the way she fled the table in Amsterdam.
Instead she shakes Eden off and goes about business as usual.
Eden gets emotional in a talking head, saying that she first saw Kim's sadness followed by her anger. Kyle's also emotional in her talking head because by now it's well known that she doesn't like discussing these things, on camera or with strangers. And she especially doesn't like talking about these things in front of Rinna, with a relative stranger, on camera! I wonder how the scene would've played were it only Eden and Kyle. Eh, probably the same!
Max's Birth Parents
A few seasons ago LVP's adopted son Max revealed he wanted to learn more about his heritage, which is the adopted-kid-equivalent of coming out as bisexual before telling your family you're really gay. So the wheels are in motion for him to track down his birth parents. Whether or not he meets them -- or Lisa and Ken permit it -- is a different story. They meet with the adoption lawyer who originally handled the case so Max can look over his file.
The scene's a mess because Lisa's a mess. She tells a series of stories in fits and starts because she's so emotional and reveals the S1 version of herself we rarely see anymore, unless a dog's involved.
It's sweet and interesting enough (Max's father played guitar, too!) to merit watching. In the end, they agree to hire a PI to check his parents out and go from there. Told you it was sweet!
Kyle's Trip To Mykonos
Kyle leaves for the airport and we switch over to Greece, where Erika's sitting with her assistant and Mikey going over the particulars. Turns out she's performing for a crowd of 30,000 at 3 AM. Before that can sink in, Kyle arrives (I find it extremely hard to believe that Kyle flew to Mykonos by herself) and Erika gives her a tour of the compound.
Cold Calls From Cool Ranch
Cool Ranch starts by saying she loves attention to detail, which isn't a great lead-in to the phone calls she's about to make to Rinna and Eileen to schedule a lunch apologizing for saying their dead family members are the reason they attacked Vanderpump…because it's a statement she can't remember making. A for effort, though! Hopefully she remembers game night better.
A Bigger, Gayer, Splash
Erika puts the finishing touches on her routine because she's having trouble with a combination and lift. Kyle gets in the joke, "When in doubt, pat the puss," to great acclaim. Even better is when the dancers throw Erika and themselves into the pool and she says, "I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, but they just spent three hours getting her hair to look like that" in a talking-head. It's the mindless fun Housewives was designed for. If only it occurred in Beverly Hills instead of Greece. Baby steps!
Brian De Palma Presents
Eileen and Rinna wait for Cool Ranch at the Huntley Hotel in Santa Monica. Finally, she arrives and the circular conversation can begin. I'm really only recommending this as a watch for its striking visuals (the location; the décor; the outfits!) and because it seems like it's hopefully the end Panty Gate and whatever that nonsense about attacking LVP because of grief was; their conversation is inedible word salad.
But I doubt it!
Just barely watchable, which feels like an improvement. Enjoy!