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If The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills's Yolanda Is European, Why Can't She Pronounce 'Munchausen's'?

And more not-quite-burning questions sparked by 'Please Welcome Erika Jayne!'

Did Kathryn come up with that tagline herself?

Nearly three episodes into her run as the cast's latest addition and Kathryn's already marked herself as someone who sticks to her guns. She absolutely hates the c-word and Faye Resnick. And that's fine. That's her right, and the majority of people hate those things too. Nobody's really taking issue with that. Save for Erika, who rocks her "Cunty" necklace as she shocks her guests and reclaims the word; and for Kyle, who's been doing the same thing with Faye for six seasons to diminishing returns.

For a quick refresher (hey, you might've missed one of the eight hundred times she talks about it!), all you need to know is that Faye dragged Kathryn and then husband Marcus Allen into the O.J. Simpson cultural dialogue in a matter of sentences by insinuating that Kathryn turned a blind eye to Marcus's infidelities, one instance of which might or might not have been with Nicole Simpson Brown. And, depending on how far down the rabbit hole you choose to go, you'll arrive at a slew of theories involving Marcus. So even if those insinuations haven't technically gone anywhere, Kathryn's contempt for her isn't unjustified all these years later.

Which brings us to what I really want to talk about: her tagline. "Don't hate the game, just marry a player"? Not the worst one to ever get airtime, but if the rest of her arc is going to be chastising other women for their particular brand of feminism and trying to vanquish Faye, it isn't a great one either. It's not even that it doesn't make a whole lot (or any) sense. It's that it's the antithesis of everything she's actively working against onscreen. Don't want to dredge up the past in which people thought you were a wife who looked the other way? Don't hate the haters. Hate your fucking tagline.

What do you mean you do this "every day"?

Though timid, this season's early episodes were strangely captivating. Picture it: a world in which it's commonplace to have a friend lend you her jet to pick up the tiny horse you're buying as an anniversary present. What a world indeed!

Now Yolanda's cryogenically freezing herself in two-minute increments throughout the day over the course of a week. It's -140C, and goddammit, it's the most fun she has all week! And this time around she manages to score face time with Lisa V and Kyle as she does it, who can't even as they take it all in.

Having complained and contorted her face like a magician's assistant on bath salts in that typical "this is my first day on Earth" way as she undergoes the therapy, Kyle admits that her knee feels better afterward. (Stop doing splits, Kyle!) But, hey, at least she and Vanderpump (who mugs in all the right places) crack Yolanda up and give her what's probably the best day she's had in two years. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to them, the point of the trip isn't just so those two can peek behind the curtain and see how Yolanda does and doesn't live. It's so Yolanda has enough strength to hand them their asses over an extremely awkward lunch.

But I'm getting off topic. Let's focus on this scene's "inflammation" as it is.

Is this a real, viable method of treatment, or the passing fad Scream Queens poked fun at? Both? The doctor onscreen -- whose presence brings a million other questions, like: are you actually a doctor? Doctor of what, meteorology? Which tanning salon did you manage before this? How familiar are you with Yolanda's file? Are there files involved? -- discusses it in a way that's less procedural and more "everybody's doing it." I'm sure it does relieve some of Yolanda's pain, but, once again, Yolanda's tipping the scales with talking heads that don't play nearly as charming or illuminating as she thinks they do.

I don't think she has Munchausen's, but I do think she's obsessed with eradicating a disease that's never going away. Like someone with OCD, Yolanda's intrusive thoughts and hand washing come in the maybe not-so-innocent-either forms of filling removal and cryogenic-freezing and neurotically talking about it to anyone and everyone. Which, come to think about it, does sound Muchausen's adjacent.

Isn't Yolanda European?

Why can't Yolanda pronounce "Munchausen's"? No, not zee limes, zee Moonchoouzens. It's Munchausen's! Munch-HOWS-inns. It's one thing to deny having it and be pissed off that it's a thing people are even talking about. It's quite another to pull a Kyle and play "First Time On Earth," Yolanda. She's never heard of it, doesn't get it, and, still, somehow can't fucking pronounce it. Which I'm gonna go ahead and call bullshit on because she definitely ran to one of the twelve home offices and combed the internet for forty-eight hours straight after Rinna left.

Much like Kathryn's tagline, it's funny that the whole time she's yelling at Lisa V and Kyle at her shanghai lunch about not having Munchausen's, waving around Bella and Anwar's medical records, she's in a top that looks like a chic take on a hospital gown because it probably is one. (Side note: does Yolanda suggest that God or Gaia or whomever is going to smite Lisa for allegedly invoking the name of her children and undermining their disease? Is Karma at play here? Yolanda seems very, very certain about something nobody else does.) As for the children's Lyme disease? Who cares! I'm just glad mentioning them ushered us into the part of the season in which things finally start happening-ish.

Are Kathryn and Eileen serious?

Returning to Kathryn's tagline for a minute, it's unfortunate that the lunch between her and Eileen turns into the one jockeying them into the arcs they're most resistant to on the show.

Eileen all but confirms that she was once an inadvertent homewrecker, since Marcus Allen couldn't have dated her in 1988-89 because he was dating Kathryn. Which, in effect, confirms Kathryn as the aloof girlfriend/wife who either turned a blind eye or had a huge blind spot. Regardless, I'm into this pairing, mostly because they're perpetually stuck in the late '80s and early-to-mid '90s: Eileen for her styling and Kathryn for her connection to the O.J. trial.

Now down to business. Sure, on its face it's rude of Kathryn to switch from "so you used to fuck my boyfriend" to "your purse is disgusting." But it's a conversation we've been putting off for quite some time, and I'm glad it's finally here. So, while it's aggressive, I'm glad Kathryn's bringing it up and shaming Eileen's style into present day. Will she ever spend $4,000 on a purse? Probably not. (Her maximum eBay bid is $2,500!) But in the meantime, I'll give credit where it's due. She wore the fuck out of that forty-year-old denim bodysuit and looked great, if dated. Can Kathryn talk about her highlights next? Can Eileen talk about Marcus's other girlfriends in exchange?

Who is Lorene and why is she here?

With the girls taking a day trip to see Erika perform at a San Diego club called Pervert, Kyle decides to hit up her BFF Lorene, who she's known since she was seven years old, and who happens to live down the street from the hotel. That's pretty much where any information about Lorene and her relationship to Kyle/earth begins and ends. Why don't we ever get to "meet" these people?

Why isn't Lorene offering tidbits about herself, like that she makes her own soap and sells it at a farmer's market? Why isn't she using her fifteen seconds to accidentally spill some embarrassing secret or gaffe? And why, even though we never formally meet her (which was maybe her choice?), is she removed from the remainder of the scenes? A major flaw of the series is that it frequently closes ranks and doesn't allow outside action to enter the fray and spice things up. So I'll ask again. Why isn't she front and center at Pervert telling Kyle to stop swinging her mane like a helicopter? We need her.

Am I in trouble?

I've called Kathryn out for being tone-deaf a minimum of ten times so far. Now I'm going to try to discuss her literal deafness in one ear without coming off like an insensitive monster. I wouldn't want to exclude Kathryn or call for her to sit this one out; she's got every right to be at the show to support Erika and acclimate herself to everyone. But it's a little strange that she was planning to head into the night wearing an earplug, no? Not that the women are going to be talking amongst themselves while Erika performs or anything like that, but still, she's only now thinking of this? Genuinely panicking en route to the show because she forgot her earplugs and this is how she outs herself to the other women as having planned to be virtually deaf for half the night?

Why is everyone acting like they've never...?

Another unfortunate thing about Beverly Hills, and maybe Housewives as a whole, is that everyone loves to play the part of the prude. Nobody's ever done cocaine. Nobody's ever been to a concert that wasn't Billboard Top 200 Pop. Nobody but Lisa Vanderpump and Erika knows what sex is (the former reading about it in books, as she often jokes). So here we are at Erika's show, the music and performance at which is sadly inconsequential. It's great that the Housewives have come to support her, but it really bums me out that all the cuts to them "enjoying" themselves seem so awkward and fake. Maybe MIA Lorene was in the crowd dancing with a leather daddy or railing lines in the bathroom with a furry. One can only hope.

Hot or cold?

God bless you, Erika. Baiting the other women with her "Cunty" necklace (Eileen still isn't convinced it didn't say "Candy") and setting up a surprisingly chic hotel suite after-party, she's not putting up with anyone's shit this week. Hard the way a person of means almost exclusively is (a compliment, I swear), she's firm in her resolve and not letting anyone derail her introduction to the world. No, Lisa Rinna, not even you. It's her party and she'll be cunty if she wants to! And, thankfully, she is.

It's clear from the start that she's "in the wrong," and the primary cause of the whole misunderstanding between Yolanda and Lisa V regarding the children's health. But like she says in her talking head: who cares? Why immediately ruin a perfectly good trip (don't forget, Erika's on the clock) with unnecessary drama that could easily be resolved during another luncheon a week later at which no one eats? Rinna's coming in hot, but Erika's scorched earth and better for it.

Even Vanderpump, who'd walk across broken glass to clear her name and character, doesn't care. Rinna thinks Erika's being a "pussy" -- which, if we're getting into it, isn't much better than using the c-word to describe anyone, let alone another woman. But I'm not convinced. Erika will, more likely than not, come forward to both Lisa V and Yolanda and leave Rinna dangling. And why shouldn't she? It might not be the best approach, but she owns it in her talking head and immediately reaffirms the meaning -- her meaning -- of the word everyone else gags at.

Nobody wants to be called out at the unveiling of his or her alter ego! Erika Jayne didn't do anything wrong. Sure, Erika Girardi stirred the pot a little, but she'll deal with it in her own time and on her own turf. And, quite frankly, it's really rude and desperate of Rinna to make Erika's night all about her and get muscle Eileen to help. Ugh, see you next Tuesday!

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