Screen: Bravo

Brandi Learns The Difference Between Literal And Metaphorical Olive Branches

Ms. Glanville's desperate attempts to get Lisa V. to love her again take a turn for the weird.

Brandi's Housewarming (Pre-Vanderpump)

Brandi insists that this housewarming party -- for her fourth home in as many years -- will be a demarcation point between her sad, former life as the ex of a Hollywood D-lister and her new, opportunity-filled life as a slightly older ex of a Hollywood D-lister who also has a podcast. Oh, and she's gonna get totally wasted tonight because we r who we r, and all that Ke$ha nonsense. Brandi's Houseguest/Hairstylist is still hanging around so you know it's gonna be a good time.

Mostly everything before Lisa V. shows up is skippable. Lisa R. welcomes Brandi to her own home, which seems right on point for her. Kyle tells Brandi that she gets "good vibes" from the house. I hadn't noticed until now how desperately Kyle's been barking up Brandi's tree ever since her falling out with Lisa V. It's a woeful little love triangle those three got goin' on.

Brandi's Housewarming (Post-Vanderpump)

When Lisa V. finally does show up -- fashionably late, of course -- it's all Brandi can do not to jump up on a table and declare the pair biffles for life once again. Seriously, for someone who worked so hard last season to discredit Lisa and all she stands for, Brandi has been putting in overtime trying to get back into the Vanderpumps' sparkly English good graces. When Brandi asks why Lisa changed her mind about coming, instead of telling the truth about being contractually obligated, Lisa adopts Brandi's repetitive mantra of moving forward and no longer putting out bad energy into the universe -- but in a bitchy, Vanderpumpy way. The evening is largely without incident until the very end. Like at Kyle's "barbecue" from last week, Brandi grasps Lisa and Ken by their wrists when they try to leave and pretty much demands a heartfelt, tear-drenched reconciliation. Ken is even worse at hiding his disdain toward Brandi than Lisa is; when she demands he maintain eye contact with her when saying goodbye, Ken plays up his elderly status by repeating, "Who?"

Adrienne also showed up with her cougar meat in tow, giving Brandi an excuse to use her made-up word, "dick-chanted." Like enchanted…but with dicks. Besides the Lisa/Brandi awkwardness, the main event for me is the brief conversation between Kim, Lisa R., and Eileen in which Kim fails to form a full sentence, and Eileen simply gazes into her empty eyes with a mixture of disdain and bafflement.

Staying Relevant With Lisa R. And Eileen

If you weren't sure whether production favors one of the new Housewives over the other, look no further than this segment for confirmation. Lisa R. is on set at Access Hollywood where she's been enlisted to partake in the ALS ice-bucket challenge, which I believe took place seventeen years ago, around the time of planking and giving Bill Cosby lifetime achievement awards. Lisa repeats for the bajillionth time that she'll do anything to stay famous, which really makes her come off as a knockoff Kathy Griffin, who's already a knockoff of Joan Rivers. Lisa says that "at times" she's been so famous that she's lost gigs to less famous women, which doesn't make any sense.

While this is happening, we cut to Eileen wakeboarding and talking about foregoing the "publicity route" in lieu of practicing her true craft. To underline her point, Eileen even sells her self-depreciating confessional bon mots better than Lisa. I genuinely LOL'd when Eileen said she loves working out and then quickly added, "But do I?"

Kyle Wants Us To Care About Her Family

No one cares that Alexia is going off to college -- especially when Portia is saying shit like, "By the way, I'm making a poo. Mommy, would you like one?" She's a star.

Lisa V.'s Charity Something

It's time again for Lisa V. to gather the women at one of her restaurants under the guise of philanthropy. The Housewives each bring some old dresses which are to be donated to the poor. That is some Lindsay Bluth-level charity work right there. Everything seems to be going very naturally between Brandi and Lisa until BRANDI LITERALLY TEARS AN OLIVE BRANCH OFF OF A TREE AND OFFERS IT TO LISA. Come on now, girl. This unfortunate, awkward meltdown you're in the midst of is hard enough to watch without destroying the topiary at Pump.

Then, of course, when ripping the branch off a 100-year-old tree doesn't work, Brandi offers to eat Lisa's pussy. I'm not being crude; she literally says to Lisa, "Should I eat your pussy?" And then she adds that she knows that Lisa "really, really, really wants to be friends again." I'm still red with embarrassment for her, because someone has to be if she's not. Lisa relays Brandi's pretty pink offer to the rest of the women, which leads to them repeating the word "cunnilingus" seventeen times. This confuses Yolanda and embarrasses Eileen enough that she reminds everyone they're in a fancy restaurant and not a filthy train car riding the rails with hobos.

After all of this, Lisa still agrees to do lunch with Brandi the next day but only after first replying, "Now, why would I want to do that?" GREAT QUESTION, LISA.

Post-Pump Drinks

All the Housewives minus Lisa V. regroup at another restaurant to discuss -- who else? -- Lisa V. Eileen and Lisa R. pretend as if they didn't binge every episode of RHOBH before appearing on the show, and ask the vet Housewives to fill them in. Interestingly, Brandi tells them, "One of Lisa's best friends was my ex's mistress, " drastically elevating Sceana's role in Lisa's life (unless there's more going on between those two on Vanderpump Rules than I realized).


Another episode in which the Housewives actually talk to each other! How thrilling for us all! My expectations are slightly raised at this point, so don't expect me to be so lenient next week if Lisa doesn't personally suffocate Brandi or at least pay Ken to do it.

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