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A Salted Rim Doesn't Make Lisa Rinna's 'Fake News' Any Easier To Swallow On RHOBH

She didn't say it! Except she absolutely said it.

An Ice-Cold Refreshment

Feel free to skip the retread of RinnUGH's arrival in Punta Mita.

You Say 'Gift Bag,' I Say 'Grab Bag'

Mauricio pops champagne while Kyle and Cool Ranch tear into The Agency's gift bags and the others trickle into the room to hang out before leaving for the party. Which is nice, considering Kyle somehow hasn't seen Eileen yet even though they've been occupying the same space for four hours. A quick air-kiss later, Kyle's stuffing everyone into a taxi only slightly larger than the trains adjacent to every mall food court and they're on their way.

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Mauricio's Launch; Montezuma's Revenge

Distressing cutaway to Cool Ranch during Mauricio's speech? Check. Steady stream of tequila? Check. Ken, dancing and wearing a sombrero? Check. Kyle's splits and helicopter hair twirls? Somehow missing, thank god. All of that being in the first two minutes is probably why I didn't feel anything when Eileen revealed to RinnUGH and Erika that she's the victim of Montezuma's Revenge and that it's been coming out of both ends all day. While wearing a white dress, no less.

Luckily, she and Eden met up for vitamin IV drips the other day. Otherwise she might be in trouble. She is in trouble, though. Sitting there in her shockingly pristine dress, she unwittingly sets off a cataclysmic chain of events the way her body did when she refilled her empty Aquafina bottle at a water fountain outside the airport while waiting for her car and guzzled it down en route to the house. She didn't mean to, but she did. And here we are.

At this point, Erika's uncomfortable (read: probably tipsy) and tells RinnUGH she should talk to Kyle, which absolutely freaks her out. Together, The Banger Sisters flag her down like a couple of biddies trying to get table service at Panera, knowing full well they have to go to the counter for the broccoli cheddar bread bowl, goddammit. Kyle approaches and confronts her and it's not long before RinnUGH's alternating between hyperventilating into a Kellyanne Conway mask and saying her new mantra: "It's that god-damned Eden."

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Eventually she gives Kyle the extremely reassuring answer that she can't confirm having said 1. Kim is near death, 2. Kim is off the wagon, or 3. Kyle is an enabler, because she just doesn't remember. At least she's smart enough to pin everything on Eden in a series of disturbed utterances and buy herself some time so she can flee the country.

She starts grandstanding, saying things like "this is all Eden, and I'm not gonna take it" and "I've been so careful about how I've been talking…" when LVP steps in to remind her about game night and her vendetta against Kim. She starts pivoting, wildly, saying that she might have said it but doesn't remember. And that if she did say it, she obviously didn't mean for it to come out in a hateful way. "My intent wasn't bad!" Then she puts on her Kellyanne Conway mask and flees the room.

Outside, she stands alone, crying and talking to no one while facing a wall like that scene in The Blair Witch Project. You might think she's talking to someone, but she's not.

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Eventually Cool Ranch and Eileen go outside to console her. Sure, Eileen was probably looking for somewhere secluded to take her dress off and vomit into a bush, but let this be a reminder of what a great friend she is. RinnUGH starts crying and dramatically asking them to take the knife out of her back.

Awkward Goodbyes

Eileen and RinnUGH go find the others to say goodbye. Eileen takes one for the team and says RinnUGH's bringing her home because she doesn't feel well, even though it seems like the opposite is true. It's clear RinnUGH's been crying, so Erika's sympathetic, Kyle's confused, and LVP is waiting for them to leave so she can say something spot-on and disgusting. They leave and Erika races after them, moved by RinnUGH's tears. They talk out front and she decides to go back to the house with them to depose, err, "console" her friend.

The Deposition

Rinna seems a little...let's say "impaired" here. Which is fine! You should have seen me Saturday; it happens! Erika nudges her in the right direction and tries for a better understanding of her side of things, but it's pointless. RinnUGH wants to deal in the facts Erika keeps mentioning, but how can she if she doesn't remember or never did it in the first place? And what about intent? It's a ridiculous, eerie exchange.

In any event, she said it. And that's a fact.

Wife-Swap?

LVP loves joking about swinging as much as P.K. loves making gross comments to women, which is to say a lot.

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Tear-Free Shampoo

Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's a perfectly edited interstitial.

Lisa Rinna's Phone Call Home

In the clink, RinnUGH calls Harry for "expert" advice. She doesn't really explain the situation right, though, so he starts up about how Kim and Kyle need to address their issues before she clarifies that the problem -- their problem -- is Eden. So he backtracks and says Eden needs to address her issues instead. Weak.

Poke Bowls & Calcium Supplements

I'm sympathetic to Eden, but she really is such a drag. Here, her mother stops by to visit and we get some insight in their dynamic as opposed to the childlike sketches she keeps doing of Kim and Kyle's relationship with their mother. She says her mother also suffers from alcoholism and that, as she entered recovery for her problem, she started developing one of her own. It wasn't until four years ago when they both got sober that they started bonding again.

Looking for backup, she mentions Kim and Kyle and how that relationship makes her think of her and her sister's. The problem -- and our saving grace -- is that her mother doesn't want to hear it because she doesn't think she should get involved. To her, nobody's business is anybody else's business. Which is great advice if you aren't on a reality show. Anyway, that's what you get when you greet your mother with calcium water.

Another Phone Call Home

Cool Ranch and P.K. check in at home and Dorit bursts into tears hearing Jagger talk. Listen, I hear you saying she's negligent. (I didn't catch the nannies floating around in the background of the lunch scene last week, so that one's on me.) That's probably the case, but fuck if I wasn't right there with her and ecstatic over his garbled speech.

Catamarans & Iguanas

Everyone's getting ready for a day sailing on a catamaran and LVP's getting ready to leave. She and RinnUGH exchange tepid goodbyes because she's leaving to speak to Congress about putting an end to Yulin. Then P.K. takes off his shirt to apply suntan lotion and honestly, the whole thing is a blur.

Not technically long enough to write about itself, here's an added bonus. P.K. got you down? Stick around to let Erika bring you back to life in an interstitial in which she spots an iguana from the bus they're taking to the dock and loses it.

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Lip-Synch Battle On The High Seas

Onboard, The Banger Sisters sit upfront sunning themselves and complaining about LVP's joy at RinnUGH's potential demise. RinnUGH doesn't feel seen or heard, and that's a problem for her. Meanwhile, Mean Girl P.K. tries starting drama because those two are always on their own instead of hanging out with the group. Erika's not having it and coolly dismisses it as a bond that's none of his business. Neither is wrong.

Once everyone's together, they're jumping off the side of the boat and swimming. Well, except for Kyle, who keeps joking about sharks but in actuality is probably afraid of being eaten alive by sharks. To her credit, she helps Cool Ranch remove her jewels so she can make good on a bet and earn a Birkin bag. Not feeling seen or heard, RinnUGH tries to get back into everyone's good graces by getting on the table and performing to "PAINKILLR." She does so with abandon, but it's more an uncomfortable, one-sided lip-synch for your life than anything else. Sad!

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Verdict

There's a lot of filler, but hey, it's Beverly Hills.

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