Who Is Munchausen?
And other not-so-burning questions from this week's vitamin-deficient episode!
Who are Tina, Hank, and Hudson?
Last week's episode redefined what it means to get a lift from a friend. While the rest of us are still traveling via leased cars, public transportation, and Ubers split four ways, Lisa Vanderpump casually mentions plans to friends and is greeted with helicopters from Italy to Monte Carlo and private jets to Ohio. Without further adieu, I'd like to open the floor for an answer to the question: Who are Tina, Hank, and Hudson?
Having no frame of reference for them over the show's six seasons, it's somehow even stranger seeing three people pull up to Villa Rosa with two tiny horses in tow because they heard about Lisa's problem (a stretch of the word's definition, I know) and wanted to help, than it is seeing her take a different friend's private jet for a day trip to a farm in Ohio!
Again, who are these people? Yes, it's Ken's birthday and the whole point of the tiny horse thing is that it's his present and a surprise, but we don't even get a throwaway talking head about Lisa and Ken's relationship to them. No cute, eye-rolling stories about that time in Bermuda everyone went scuba-diving and they saw a shark, or that time Tina broke her leg in Aspen. Nothing!
Are they really that close that it wasn't even slightly weird for them to drop everything and go pick up two tiny horses for them in Texas? And then, what, drive all the way to Beverly Hills with them? Did Lisa's friend let them use his private jet again, or was that a one-off? Do they have their own private jet? Do they own that car?
Normally, whatever. But the fact that Tina casually writes it off to both Lisa and Ken is absurd. Are they that filthy disgusting rich that bringing two tiny horses across the country to a girlfriend's husband's birthday is like bringing a bottle of wine to a party for everyone else?
What is Lisa Vanderpump's dry cleaning bill?
The woman wears a lot of white and is always finding new reasons to walk through the house -- which also bears a lot of crisp linens -- with animals, yet still always manages to look impeccable in every regard. And she has one, maybe two housekeepers? I don't believe it. Not a huge deal, but I need to know.
Is Erika busier than her husband?
Erika is getting ready for some tour dates, right? I didn't just make that up and run with it to attach meaning onto her trying on identical compression catsuits two weeks in a row and doing a Hip-Hop Abs dance routine? No, Erika's not anywhere nearly as busy as her lawyer husband. But I kind of like her and think Beverly Hills could use a hit of her teased-out life-size Barbie-head brand. Yes, Erika and Erika Jayne are technically different people, but I want her to make a splash the way Lisa Rinna did before flip-flopping so many times like the wet noodle she is. So c'mon on, Erika; show us what you've got! Unless all you've got is more identical catsuits.
Which brings us to performing for the Pope with Andrea Bocelli. Which, where to start? I like that she knows that it's an absolutely terrible idea right off the bat (she'll probably do it) and that David "You Can't Sing With Us" Foster is probably just being exposed to all the mercury in his teeth and/or the cork in his wine. In any case, maybe this performance is just the thing Erika needs to shine. But probably not.
At what point will Vince be played by Nicolas Cage?
Gone are the confused and innocent days of a moonstruck, beer-wielding Vince standing in the garage watching a group of women fight in his driveway, wild at heart and throwing pizza around. Now, between the loss of his father (national treasure Dick Van Patten) and constantly being berated by his wife at 6 AM with questions that turn into face-offs, like who's taking their son to school, the family man's trapped in paradise. Between the shiny forehead, jerky body movement, low voice register, and perpetually seen chest hair, Nic should be in and Vince should be gone in, what, 60 seconds?
Did Vince calling Eileen an idiot live up to the hype?
I don't want to see a man call his wife an idiot, but at this point I'll take anything I can get. While the tension is definitely there between the two, it was kind of an overblown promotional moment and one that maybe is or maybe isn't hinting at a more invasive look at their marriage later down the road this season. Which also maybe doesn't bode well for the season if that's such a prominent moment in its trailer?
Is Claire's not a thing anymore?
Why isn't Kyle taking her daughters to Claire's, or the backroom of some head shop with decent Yelp reviews? Why are they torturing this poor jeweler? Why, if they're all such babies, did she bring them all in together at the same time? So she could sit there off to the side shouting about how dramatic everyone else is? Most importantly, why are we recycling scenes from different seasons in Episode 4 when nothing much has even happened yet this season, outside of everyone skirting around calling bullshit on Yolanda?
Why are we here, in this cold dark place yet again? Didn't we already do this once? Weren't we supposed to have learned something? Couldn't Farah have taken two of the girls at 3 PM and Kyle gone with the other two at 5 PM? Of course not! Because then what would we watch, more of Portia's improv acting class? Absolutely not! Avery Singer would die if she saw Portia fidgeting like that. I almost did.
Why does Lisa V make Lisa R wait to see the tiny horses?
It doesn't really matter, but it's still strange and vaguely rude. Does she not want to ruin the surprise in case Kyle shows up while they're outside -- in pants, again, no less -- and is passive-aggressively like, "Oh wow another lame party, job well done Lisa"?
Let's chalk this one up to Lisa's sense of drama, or a note from producers to stay inside and "talk about Yolanda right now, goddammit!" But still…why not let Lisa R go outside and see the horse herself? She's earned it! Sure, all she did was sit on a private jet for a day trip to an impossibly sad farm in Ohio, but still, it's the principle!
That's not even the worst part. The worst part's once Pants shows up and, having to wait for Eileen to arrive to finally see these dumb horses and GTFO, they're forced to sit there and talk about an alcoholic discrediting Lisa Vanderpump on Instagram like it's a thing even worth being discussed, or something Pants could even answer. Lisa, what are you doing lately? Is everything okay? Has Ken's 70th shaken you to the core? I'm not sure what, but something's off.
Of course, isn't this everyone but Lisa Rinna's fault? (She gets the benefit of the doubt because she wasn't there for any of Lisa Vanderpump's other tea parties.) Yes, yes it is.
Where Is Taylor Armstrong?
Really, though. Are we okay with Taylor being hung out to dry last week and then having Lisa Rinna basically regurgitate the same comments to lesser, more warped affect? First of all, I kind of don't get Lisa's argument, which essentially sounds like it's "how do I spin talking shit or seeming as if I'm talking shit into me being a big dumb-dumb," no? And then she settles on Munchausen's! Could there really be any worse way to lead with, "I feel sick about some of things I've said that out of context sound terrible," which isn't a direct quote, but it captures the spirit, and end with Googling Munchausen's and being like, "I don't know, guys"? No, there isn't. But she'll die trying. Or Yolanda will. Which is really kind of a sick win-win, no? A statement that's somehow less offensive than that the smoking gun for this argument is the conflicting tone of her Instagram account…
Taylor, can you hear me?