Photos: Bravo

Separate But Evil

The two cliques clash, but enjoy Puerto Rico from opposite corners.

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The Mean Girls v. The Pretty Gang

Last week's blow-out argument picks up where it left off. We're still in Puerto Rico, and grown-ass women are still uttering words they're too shameless to ever rightfully regret. NeNe's defending her runway fashions and "hair hats" against Claudia's catty criticisms. She takes the defensive by calling out Claudia's bobby-pinned bob and spaghetti straps ("Those are bad now?" Kandi and I both wonder).

But all the hyped-up, hot-headed talk we heard last week peters out by this point. To distract us from the relative lack of activity, we're zoomed over to "talking head" territory, where NeNe's running down her judgmental list of all the things Claudia should have acquired by now as a 40-year-old. Kenya, Demetria, Claudia, and Cynthia all leave the hostile environment, leaving the rest of the ladies behind at the restaurant to cackle about their own meanness. Aside from her run-in with NeNe, Claudia's still raw about Porsha's "alligator mouth ass" (my new favorite insult) laughing at her being called her a whore by NeNe.

T.C.O.B.

Kandi wants us to remember that "A Mother's Love" is still a thing, hence the perfunctory check-in call with her right-hand man back in Atlanta. The show must go on…even when it's a dumbed-down mockery of musical theater.

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In The Bright Light Of Day

NeNe wakes up the next morning and has the faint realization that "Damn, I'm kind of a monster." Over breakfast with Porsha, NeNe expresses as much remorse for the previous evening's behavior as her petty brain is capable of. Meanwhile, Claudia starts her morning off with a sassy strut and an extra shot of rum in her piña colada. Phaedra's feeling less than apologetic for how she handled her own run-in with Demetria. She takes the "I'm sorry you felt that way" approach and shrugs off any culpability for her part in the argument. If NeNe's telling you you're wrong for throwing shade, Phaedra, you're the deadest kind of wrong.

Bygones, Etc.

Phaedra's taking stiletto inventory when Demetria knocks on her hotel door, offering an olive branch. She gives a sincere-seeming apology for her part in their war of the words, including knocking her failing marriage. "That whole Apollo thing's been beat down more than Anna Mae," Phaedra says, thus doubling down on her classlessess by poking fun at Tina Turner's history with domestic violence. They hug it out (though Phaedra never does actually apologize). And, with the air cleared, Phaedra casually changes the subject to clothes, inquiring whether or not Demetria's wearing draws under her gauzy dress. She rounds out the scene by running down the laundry list of luxury designer accessories she's chosen to pair with her Target dress. When Ayden and Mr. President aren't around to make her seem like a decent human being, Phaedra's pretty much dead to me.

Enough With The Sex Toys Already!

So, dildos and the rest of Kandi's back-stock are becoming mandatory weekly plot points, I see. Everyone arrives at the beach for a nighttime rendezvous, including a game that inexplicably involves the ladies passing a dildo from person to person with their knees. Porsha arrives dressed for a centerfold spread, and Cynthia's dressed for fulfilling bridesmaid's duties (no explanation for that men's blue fedora). As they sit there sipping blended wines and pretending to be nice to one another, it's hard not to wish for one big wave to come along and overtake the lot of them.

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Passport Revoked

The next day, the two groups go their separate ways. NeNe and her crew head back to the beach, while the others kick it poolside back at the resort. The beach-goers are still laughing as they rehash all of their previous insults. "Remember when you said that thing about Claudia's clit? Hilarious!" Meanwhile, with no one to antagonize her or rain on her parade, Kenya lets loose in her search for "Puerto Rican peen." Now, it's true that as a U.S. citizen, you don't need a passport to travel to Puerto Rico. But can we just go ahead and put her name on the no-fly list? All the embarrassing, cartoonish "Yes, Mami!", "Hola, Papi!", "Arrivederci!" and Spanglish she spews all over that resort is an affront. If you ever go to Puerto Rico and get less than stellar treatment from the locals, you'll know who to blame.

Resume The Wretchedness

All of the fun in the sun subsides once night falls and the ladies board a bus to go watch Demetria's big performance. NeNe launches into a bus-wide bragfest about her new Broadway role. At first, props are given, but just as quickly, potshots are thrown. Claudia's still heated about the first night's big fight. The back-and-forth escalates and Porsha gets ensnared. Her relationship with an allegedly married unnamed African man comes under fire, and Claudia proves she too can slander another woman's vagina. (Is this where modern discourse is headed? If so, count me out.) Claudia warns that Porsha should've never laughed at the whole "whore" thing because she's reportedly "putting mileage on her vagina" in exchange for bags and expensive cars. You guys, no way. Porsha owns a "hair company" or something, so she doesn't need some African to pay her bills, shoot!

Meanwhile, no one on that bus did Porsha and NeNe the public service of looking up the word "contradictory" on their smartphones, or providing the correct pronunciation of the word "accolades." Lordy! Where's a good strong hurricane when you need one? After all that tired yammering, they arrive late to Demetria's show. They do, however, make it just in time to witness a woman who clearly thinks none of the rest of us know who Beyoncé is.

Verdict

The writers clearly ran out of "reading" material after last week, so this episode rests on booty alone. The camera pans down to capture every extra-smedium bikini bottom and body-con dress curve that's sported, but it's not enough to distract from the fact that everything that happened this week could've just as easily been tacked onto last week's episode.

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