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Porsha Defends Phaedra, But Kandi Has A Stronger Case On RHOA

Porsha sticks up for her bosom buddy, but she's no lawyer. Meanwhile, Kandi might have a defamation suit for one!

Maintenance Check

The ten-year anniversary of her breast implants approaching, Cynthia's scheduled an appointment with one of Atlanta's premier surgeons to make sure everything's where it's supposed to be. Somewhat bizarrely, she's invited everyone to tag along and watch her breast exam. In the waiting room, she and Kenya listen as Kandi tells them about how her meeting with Phaedra didn't go as planned and that today could be awkward as a result. Lucky for Cynthia's areolas and everyone there to appraise them, Phaedra opts to pretend everything's business as usual, laying her typical southern-belle beauty-queen charm on thick; or she's drunk.

As if Cynthia's attractive, creepy doctor wasn't enough in general, she starts the appointment by asking if he could go around the room and say which women he thinks do or don't have implants. And, yes, the result is every bit as fun and upsetting as it sounds. Eventually, she disrobes and finds out she's in great shape and can stand to wait a while before having her breasts (or anything else) done. Want to bounce back from divorce? Force your friends to gawk at your naked (nearly five-decade-old) body and have a premier plastic surgeon admit he wouldn't change a thing.

Missed Opportunities

Turns out Shereè missed her move-in date and is $100,000 over budget. Which is understandable; $5,600 chairs don't pay for and artfully arrange themselves, you know. There are some fun moments here, like when her interior decorator tells her he's designing a masculine bedroom and then wipes his face with a fabric sample. For the most part, though, it's digs at Kenya that don't stick the landing and echo through the Chateau's empty halls.

Diamonds Are Forever

Kandi and Mama Joyce go shopping because Kandi wants to get Riley a nice, tasteful pair of diamond earrings for her birthday. Meanwhile, Mama Joyce hopes she can charm her way into a new necklace or key ring, something. There's technically no reason to watch this scene other than to see one of them scare the woman behind the counter with their conversation of two-faced former friends (Phaedra) and absent dads (Block). However, watching the woman's eyes bulge out of her head like a cartoon before she hauls ass to the stockroom to dry-heave like Tilda Swinton and her giant pit stains in Michael Clayton is extremely worth it.

Running Hot And Cold

Cynthia pushes Noelle to maintain a relationship with Peter because she's known him since she was a little girl and he's become a second father figure. So, Peter meets Noelle for -- wait for it -- a hot yoga class, probably because they couldn't find any ayahuasca for the original segment. Afterwards, Noelle tells Peter that it "sucks" he has to learn she's the face of Cargo on Instagram and feels like he can't even call her; nobody ever asks how the divorce is affecting her. To which he cries and tells her that sometimes grownups are stupid before he scoops her up for a hug.
Crazy how a scene filled with farting can also be such a compelling emotional experience, but that's Housewives for you!

The Yoni Egg

Next up at bat in our series of strange, escalating set pieces is Porsha, who goes with Shamea to learn about the yoni egg. What's that, you ask? It's something you insert like a tampon that's designed to tighten your vaginal walls (Porsha wants hers to look like Shereè's hamstrings) and enhance your "love-making"; "beware of juices!"

Right off the bat Shamea loves it, which we know from her increasingly euphoric exclamations. Enter Shereè, who walks in, sees her two girlfriends bent over with strings hanging out of their skirts, immediately tells everyone she has her period, and ruins all the fun. In her defense, she was told this was an exercise class. In Porsha's defense, Shereè is technically "spinning." Next, they're outside talking about how much Phaedra would love this kind of thing, inadvertently setting themselves up with the perfect segue to talk about how Kandi said Phaedra was seeing another man right before Apollo went to prison.

Even more unintentionally hilarious is when nobody knows where to land on the subject. Porsha's ready to defend her friend, Shereè's just glad to be out of her apartment, and Shamea says she believes it because Phaedra actively pursued her husband for a while, a comment that's either too complex to understand, or nobody cares about. Porsha stares at her for a little before becoming enraged that people are talking about Phaedra in the streets without any proof.

Happy Birthday, Riley

It's Riley's birthday, and everyone's dabbing! What's a dab? I still don't really know. My 9-year-old cousin tried explaining it on Christmas to mixed results. But for our purposes, know that it's essentially vogueing and popular in middle schools, especially after sneezing.

Anyway, Riley's got her new earrings (and necklace!) and is crossing eating cake with a fork without first cutting a piece off her bucket list. Kandi's happy Riley liked everything, while Todd's floating around in the background with Ace and trying to take credit, like a jerk. Enter his daughter, Kaela, who was…home the whole time but is just showing up? Talk turns to Block, who's birthday is the day after Riley's, and who Kandi thinks Riley should go out to eat with one days this week. Only Riley (potentially the world's shyest person) doesn't want to do that unless Kandi goes with her. Kandi's skeptical until Todd asks Kaela what she thinks because they went through a similar thing and Kaela says she should go if that's what Riley wants. It's awkward, and probably always will be, but Kandi agrees to go if that's what Riley wants, even though she knows it'll probably be worse if she's there. Wait until Riley sees what the producers got her.

Bosom Buddies: Part One

Porsha, Phaedra and Shereè go out. Porsha and Shereè tell Phaedra that Kandi's been talking about her "in the streets," which is an unintentionally hilarious way of describing something, especially when it's delivered in frantic, hushed tones. This one's a little hard to break down, if only because everyone thinks or knows that everyone's screwing everybody, and because Phaedra says something about Kandi seeing someone with Todd that's bleeped out. Which means 1) the producers are hedging their bets and making us wait to find out who 2) Kandi's already threatened legal action, and the season's drama's been edited out, like S3 of Beverly Hills. Either way, everyone's pissed and it's about to get crazy.

Champagne On The Dock

In lieu of her balcony, Cynthia sits with her mother and her sister on her new dock, talking about how she's closing on or moving into her new house the same day as her sixth wedding anniversary. Or, what would be her sixth wedding anniversary if she weren't getting divorced.

Bosom Buddies: Part Two

Shereè and Porsha ask Kandi out to lunch to "stand up to the bully" and confront her about what "she's done." The problem is that it backfires and isn't about to be the slam-dunk, soon-to-be landmark case the defense thinks it is, especially after Shereè goes from co-chair to sympathetic member of the jury. Kandi's put off by an awkward silence after she talks about Ace's third tooth and starts to question why they're even there. It's not long before Kandi's breaking it down for Porsha (Who cares if you and Block hooked up, you did; Phaedra's two-faced and you know that better than anyone, Porsha; I didn't say she cheated on Apollo before he went to prison, I said she was talking to someone else because she was, and you know that; etc.) the way Porsha thought she was going to break it down for her. It's really, really fine work.

Having made her case, Kandi storms out of the courtroom (bringing a glass bottle of water with her, which she'll probably pour over her head while she waits at the valet). Left to process what just happened and try to twist it into a win, Porsha and Shereè sit there awkwardly like, "Wow, she's so full of shit ha-ha." Disappointed they didn't even get to eat, Shereè makes a comment about Kandi being in the closet, which Porsha (almost understandably because she's an idiot) thinks is a gay thing and runs with it, setting us up for the gross "is Kandi gay???" storyline we were promised by the promo.

Verdict

I'm not sure about the note it ends on but I kind of loved getting there.

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