Kandi And Phaedra Just Can't Make It Work On RHOA

But hey, neither can anyone else. There might not be any closure this week, but there's plenty of shade!

The Nanny Reboot

Going on a date, Phaedra calls on baby-crazy Porsha to babysit, thus giving her a chance to be around kids and get some practical parenting experience in the process. Or, as she chillingly puts it to viewers like me who don't think she's up for it: "Kill two birds with one stone."

Once mom's gone, Porsha's putting together toys and breaking up the fights that ensue over them. "Violence is not the answer," she screams at them with the conviction of someone who says the phrase 700 times a day. (Jokes aside, I'm glad the therapy's paying off!) Exhausted after hours of bargaining and playing referee -- and, probably, sneaking off to the pantry to stress-eat a pack of Gushers and say her mantra ten more times so she doesn't spiral out -- it's bedtime.

Upstairs, she tells a story about two princes who stumble upon a princess named Porsha who'll grant them three wishes. (They wish for toys, which the princess would probably have to assemble herself, too; ugh, jerks!) She smiles, turns off the light, and creeps downstairs to relative safety, like in a horror movie. Eventually, Phaedra comes home and the scene's rounded out with some of their trademark bosom-buddy banter. Porsha offers to babysit anytime and Phaedra gratefully accepts. They'll never see her again.

Pass The Baby Oil

On trend, Shereè's son Kairo wants to get into modeling. So, the proud self-described "momager"'s taking a break from finishing her Chateau to build his brand instead. She's set up a shoot so he can create a portfolio and they can try to drum up interest. Enter Bob, who's once again profusely sweating (I'm starting to think he walks everywhere he goes) and there to make sure his ex-wife doesn't try to get his son into a Speedo. And that's really all you have to know about that.

A Couple Of Cold Calls

Frustrated over her relationship with Matt, Kenya calls her dad and brings him up to speed. He wants her to fly him out to Atlanta because he thinks the situation could escalate, and he wants to be there just in case. The main takeaway here is that her iPhone screen is shattered. Which is a pretty great metaphor for her, her relationships, and this storyline. You know, because the gaping holes he left in her garage door in a drunken fit of rage weren't enough.

Elsewhere, Cynthia and Noelle are walking the dog when she gets a call from her realtor. They got the house! They made an offer I'm pretty sure was exactly what the sellers were asking for, and they got it! Can you believe it? Anyway, moving on…

Razor Blades In The Kandi

Another Kandi Factory staff meeting turns into a bitch sesh as the conversation shifts from OLG's TBA grand opening to more pressing issues, like the phone call Kandi receives from Phaedra's assistant to schedule a meeting. Kandi agrees to a time and immediately launches into their current drama to huge laughs upon hanging up.

Cut to Phaedra, who's meeting with Drama's mother to discuss helping him any way she can. We don't get the full story, but clearly there are larger issues at play, most likely his mental state. Phaedra's pissed at Mama Joyce, and, by extension, Kandi. It's nice that she doesn't want anyone to sensationalize the events (whatever they were) to protect his dignity. But, at a time when truth and facts are constantly being called into question, it's also bullshit.

Back at the KF, Kandi calls out Phaedra for covering for Drama by telling everyone he brought "bomb music" -- not, you know, a hand grenade -- and that the whole thing was a misunderstanding and another instance of racial profiling. Like most of Phaedra's stories, this one doesn't really add up, and it really doesn't make sense when Kandi mentions Phaedra was traveling with a bodyguard after an incident she claims never happened. Understandably, she's at odds with Phaedra's need to create a narrative for sympathy/self-preservation. What I don't understand, however, is why a few past Chelsea Lately panelists haven't been given two of those absurdly high-backed chairs and the opportunity to join in on the KF discussions yet. Because if we're calling bullshit, why stop with Phaedra?

"Pass The…"

Porsha brings Todd to her mother's house for family dinner. He's nervous and seems like a mildly stoned 16-year-old who can't wait until they can retreat to her room to "study." Not missing a beat, her sister Lauren starts asking the tough questions, like does he really want more kids considering he already has two teenagers? He says that, under the right circumstances, yes, he'd like more children. Kudos to Porsha for "going with his flow," but that he says "I love you" for the first time under the pressure of her family and the camera's gaze is a big red flag. It's not quite on par with a vow renewal (nothing is) but it's the reality-TV relationship-kiss-of-death equivalent.

Welcome To The Dollhouse

I'm recommending this for one reason: Kenya's dad. Thus far, he's the only person to tell Kenya she's crazy for pursuing an allegedly abusive relationship with Matt.

The two arrive at Moore Manor and he's shocked to see the garage door's broken windows. He's pissed off and confused, and she's eager to get him inside so she can give him a tour. Inside, she makes them something to eat and talks about her and Matt's relationship, effectively listing all the warning signs of battered women's syndrome. He debunks her statements in real-time, but it's unclear whether anything he's saying is sticking. At least it's on record as having been said, though. Regardless, she wants to set up a meeting between the three of them and is optimistic about the end result. It's not as if Matt's ever bailed on plans! Oh, wait.

"Focus On Fixing Chateau Shereè"

Shereè and Kairo meet Cynthia to ask for pointers about launching a modeling career. Momager's got big dreams for Kairo and Cynthia's here to rein them in! Shereè says things like who's better to ask for advice than Cynthia, she "was" a model! Cynthia says things like "y'all sound crazy" when Shereè wants to know what Kairo's chances of walking in NYFW are.

Shereè's frustrated she isn't getting the response she wanted, that Cynthia's only half-joking about her paying for classes at the Bailey Agency, and, most importantly, that another one of her friends wants to sleep with her son.

Meanwhile, Cynthia's frustrated Shereè's brought her someone who seems shy in front of the camera and "at a disadvantage" because of his height. It's wonderful.

What Would Freud Say?

Kenya brings her dad to a cigar bar to meet Matt. On paper, it's an ideal place for two men to get to know each other. In execution, it plays out like A Dangerous Method, a film only I saw, but which I'm going to reference anyway. Matt feels manipulated again and decides it's better to flake than show up and make a horrible first impression. Smart, right?
It's not long before he's on the phone and her dad's laying into him for standing them up and his "abrasive" tone.

Finally, Matt shows up and we're treated to a strange couples' therapy session. Kenya wants more communication and for Matt quit with the outbursts; Matt wants her to stop manipulating him into doing things and to establish boundaries; I want Kenya's dad to slap them the way Cher slaps Nicolas Cage in Moonstruck; Kenya's dad wants to resolve their issues, probably to smoke the rest of his cigar in peace, as is his right. There's a lot of unfulfilled want and need flinging about in the exchange.

Though it doesn't really go anywhere, it's oddly satisfying to watch unfold, if only because Matt and Kenya are eerily similar and toxically gaslighting each other. Later, out front, Kenya's dad tells Matt he shouldn't give up if it's real. And that, if it isn't real, to just keep walking. Here's to hoping Matt decides to walk to California and crash on his sister's couch indefinitely.

A "Katana" Showdown

Phaedra and Kandi meet at a restaurant suitably named Katana for a slight variation on the same talk they've been having for years. Triggered by Phaedra's "I'm but a humble civil servant trying to enact social change by…" shtick, Kandi goes off. Phaedra tries to write the bodyguard thing off because her parents got it for her. As if it's a terrible prom dress her mom made that she hates but has to wear. Then she tries using the single parent/divorce card. Nothing works; Kandi's out for blood.

Kandi tells Phaedra she's tired of her pretending everything's X when Kandi knows it's Y. And she's particularly bitter about her telling NeNe she was there for her more than Kandi was. Not to mention all the digs about Todd searching the couch cushions for spare change when he wanted to square up the bill for the workout video that never was.

Kandi says she understands why Phaedra's always trying to save face, because people look down on women that don't "stand by their man," or who show weakness. But she's pissed she's been made the scapegoat for Phaedra's bullshit. "Maybe I loved you more than I loved my husband," Phaedra says to her. Crazy as it sounds, that's probably the truth, especially considering how little of a fight she puts up toward the end. Resigned, she just sits there and takes it.

Nobody's really innocent here, but Phaedra's economy-sized Southern Charm and what she thinks is faux-sentimentality is exactly what Kandi finds so grating. On that note, Kandi tells her she can't anymore, and that she's just going to end it right there. If they're just going to talk in circles, there's really no point in talking at all. So she leaves. It's a sad ending.

But is it the ending? No, probably not. Stay tuned!


It's not the best episode, but it's good enough. And, with any luck, this will be the episode that nudges one of the show's many fractured relationships back into place, or off the deep end.

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