Photos: Bravo

Break Up To Make Up

Yet another cease-fire, complete with half-hearted hugs.

The Rough Side Of The Mountain


Phaedra seeks counsel from her mother over mid-morning bagels. She was thrown by Apollo's nightclub display of public affection and needs some motherly advice. "If you're sincere about working it out, the nightclub should be the last place you go," her mom plainly states, reassuring her daughter that her man's no keeper. She then asks Phaedra the million-dollar question (one which permeates my every viewing session): "Do we even know when he's leaving?"


A Little Day Drinking


Skipping Porsha segments would usually deprive you of several solid-gold sound bites, but not this time. She meets NeNe for vodka tonics and lightweight gossip about Demetria's failed music video event. Aside from NeNe's mind-bogglingly tasteless top and her arrival announcement "I'm meeting a girl with a lot of weave in her hair," there's nothing to see here.


Kandi and the Coven


Seeing Kandi come together with her mother and aunts is like getting a glimpse of her origin story. She is the doormat that she is because the adult women in her life have triangulated themselves with her mom as the head bully and her aunts as the flanking lackies. This plays out pretty clearly here as they back up Joyce's hurtful decision not to give her daughter a key to the new house Kandi just bought for her. They then flex alongside Joyce who refuses to back down and apologize to Todd's mom for all her hurtful comments. The wronged party wants to come down to Atlanta demanding satisfaction? "Bring it on down!" She'll catch a beat-down from The Ol' Lady Gang. Through it all, Kandi just munches her tan foods, toys with her side-bang and sighs.


A Day Of "Beauty"


Now, one of the individuals in the above picture is at the salon to get a makeover…and it's not the one you'd think. Cynthia -- who has never, ever, ever shown she can dress like a sighted human being -- wants Claudia to break out of her "Chapstick and go" ways and step it up to Atlanta's beauty standards. So, she takes her for a visit to Derek J.'s salon, at which point I want to jump into the television, grab Claudia by the wrist, and run away with her as fast as our feet can carry us. "Even with hair and makeup, some of these people in our group still look a mess," Cynthia cackles. "I get a pass 'cuz I'm pretty, y'all." Nope. Uh-uh. There is no pass for jacking your swagger from a 1980s New Edition album cover. While the hapless victim's under the curling iron, Cynthia gets a surprising text from NeNe inviting her to a sit-down. Surely this can only portend good things!

Office Space Cadets

After a single 15-minute meeting with Roger Bobb -- a man whom everyone insists on calling by his full countrified name -- Kenya has stars in her eyes. Though her latest venture has yet to be determined, she's all ready to get set up in a new office. She and Brandon go office-hunting in what is all just an elaborate set-up for her to receive a call inviting her to NeNe's sit-down.

Let's Fight About Joyce

Yes, folks, it's time again for Todd and Kandi to argue about her mother. Joyce did some foul stuff. Kandi wants to evade and avoid, while Todd wants to confront and resolve. Since his wife won't get on his same page again this week, he proposes going their separate ways to celebrate Thanksgiving. This ruffles Kandi's feathers and she walks off because she clearly doesn't realize what a brilliant visionary she married. If more couples with in-law issues took the divide-and-conquer approach to the holidays, there might be less divorce in this country. I'm just sayin'.


Family Reunion

Claudia's mom and paternal grandma are in town for a visit. We learned previously that her Italian mom was always withholding in the motherly love department and Claudia grew up with some daddy issues. There are only two takeaways from this random, awkward get-together. For one, we hear Claudia say that she's 41 (?!?) and we all go running for the cold cream/anti-aging serum aisle. Secondly, she shares a good laugh with her 90-year-old grandmother about being "strictly dickly" as they share cocktails at a drag bar. What? You don't take your soft-spoken, conservative mother and elderly grandma to swill booze with drag queens? Prude.


Bedtime Ritual

More Ayden-bait, coming your way. Phaedra oversees her boys practicing a little nighttime dental hygiene, then snuggles with the adorable little Ewoks for a bedtime story. Cuteness. But the ugly undercurrent here is that Apollo is reportedly never around for such rituals. But Phaedra maintains that she's able to masterfully handle it on her own.


Moving On

NeNe and Porsha rest their champagne flutes next to some plastic ketchup bottles and nachos as they await the arrivals of Cynthia and Kenya. The four of them are coming together to shout words at each other, so what better place to do so than on a Duluth, GA restaurant patio? Though NeNe set this whole thing up, she seems hostile and unforgiving toward Cynthia, who's expressing an interest in "organically" trying to move on. They eventually exchange a fake hug and NeNe rudely blurts out that she'll be able to have lunch alone with Cynthia in a few years' time. With that, um, "resolved," Cynthia moves on to making amends with Porsha. As they try to hash things out, Kenya keeps butting in. This whole time, she's wanted to play the role of guidance counselor, but no one's really receptive to it, least of all, Porsha. She calls Kenya a "rude bitch." How rude? "Rude as a motherf***er!" Well, Porsha, you're not wrong, but…still. Decorum.

Ever one to kill 'em with kindness, Kenya gets up, walks around the table, and makes a grand show of epic beef-squashing. She apologizes for her role in all of the drama she stirred up with Porsha and insists a hug is long overdue. Though she's loath to give in, Porsha relents and it's all worth it to see her issue the mother of all stinkfaces afterward. Now that she's made nice, can we please let Porsha out of time-out? She's become the show's saving grace.


At last, there's a foreseeable end to the tired, constant bickering that's kept this group fractured. Now maybe we can get some new, fresh material for them to fight about! Updated drama is long overdue. Also this week, we get a new Southern saying, courtesy of Mama Joyce: "She better not come like no cabbage!" Coming soon to a crudely-made slogan t-shirt near you.

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