The New Atlanta Weather Report
Who's hot and who's ice-cold on Bravo's newest catfight-o-tron.
So, Atlanta is such a hotbed of glittery dramz that a mere Housewives franchise and its ancillary wedding-docu one-offs can't contain it, I guess? The premiere introduced us to Hotlanta's new elite…and let us know two things about the upcoming season: it's going to get heated; and there is some stone-cold bitchery in the fridge.
…Wait, three things: Atlanta's nail artists need to take it on the road to the 718. Alex's Faberge mani is the shit.
Vawn, Africa's producer, is full of life-coachy wisdom about Africa's career that is both cheesy and gelid in its assessment of the situation, to wit: "The music business to me is the branding business." So sad, and so true. "I don't do R&B; I do star and B" is a terrible smurfy line that is also brilliant, and you have to admire the flagrancy of having Africa sing directly to him, to seduce him, and then telling her, "Stay in the moment." Apparently the chill is genetic, as his son -- who looks to be in third grade, and has girlfriends plural -- advises his father that he also needs a girlfriend. "You need a wife."
Storms With Low Visibility: Emily
Emily, owner of the Raw Denim boutique, looks like another Emily (VanCamp of Revenge) and employs still another Emily, who is chyroned as "Emily 2." Heh. She's bright and fun-seeming, admits right up front that her nose is not authentic, and tests out a tazer while drinking vino with Emily 2: "Girl, I don't need no safety."
But she's on edge, understandably, after thieves back a pick-up truck into her store's front window and steal pretty much every scrap of denim in the place, so maybe that explains why she gets all Torquemada on Alex at the girls'-night dinner. Alex herself could also explain it, but when a woman like Alex announces that she's going to become a trophy wife, and considers that an accomplishment, what's the point of arguing with her? I mean, cocktails made it seem like a winnable argument, and I don't disagree that "it is 2013," but just wait and talk shit about Alex afterwards like a normal person instead of starting needless beef with, not for nothing, a spoiled rich girl you could develop as a customer.
Still, the "now featuring our drive-thru window" sign tacked to the police tape on the front of the store is great.
Not Cool: Alex
…Well, whatever. She's, what, 22? She's never had a job, she's never had to pay for anything, and she doesn't know anything, so if her grand design for living is to get married by 25, have three kids and adopt three more, and greet her husband "on my knees" when he gets home from work because it's not possible for women to have it all? Let her think that. Despite an unearned imperiousness on the subject of people not invited to dinner sitting quietly and keeping their mouths shut, she's right on one point: Emily should worry about her own shit.
That said, little girl needs to look at a few things, starting with that busted Carrie-Bradshaw-in-the-S&TC-movie "color story" on her head; why she feels the need to share about her parents' sex life at the table, when her mother is right there; and how her friends Dani and Sincerely (…mm hmm) might benefit from reporting to Alex on the Emilies.
Moderate Temps: Africa
Africa is properly skeptical of Vawn's patter; comes to help Emily clean up the store post-break-in, putting on some of the accessories to cheer herself up and making an on-point Havisham reference that's even more awesome given the 34-inch heels she's bravely working in; and tries to mediate between Emily and Alex, noting that Alex isn't everyone's thing but Emily needs to let it go and make nice. She's not sure about Emily's plan to bring a white dude to Africa's birthday party for Africa; she's never dated a white guy, and is named Africa. (The fact that the guy in question is named Tribble isn't mentioned as an issue, but should be.) Has awesome hair.
Unseasonably Cold: Emily 2
Surrounded by Alex's peeps, in a noisy party environment that requires shouting, Emily 2 nonetheless lays it out re: Alex's hair ("we live in the south, there's humidity") and her Forever 21 dress (not a mark against a person, in my book, but I don't work in a boutique). Alex's friend Dani overhears and reports to Alex, and now Emily Prime is going to get her ass kicked, because Alex may not know how to balance a checkbook or take the trash out, but I'm betting she knows how to pull her some hair.
What did you think?