The Leftovers Presents Miracle, Texas: America's Staycationland!

While Nora takes a hike, Kevin sticks around to visit all Miracle, Texas, has to offer. Wish you were there? Let us be your guide!

This week, Kevin Garvey goes on something of a whirlwind tour of Miracle, Texas, with his wisecracking sidekick, Patti Levin, in tow. Need a rundown of the best places in Miracle? Let us list them!

Best Place To Get Your Handcuffs Cut Off: The Locksmith

See, Kevin wakes up to find Nora's left him alone -- handcuffed to the bed -- and taken Lily and Mary with her. Guess she didn't feel the need to stick by Kevin through sickness and in health? Shoulda put a ring on it! Anyway, even weird John Murphy will tell you that the locksmith's the place to get your cuffs taken off. Too bad Kevin can't stop yelling at Patti long enough to avoid yelling toward the locksmith's grandson! So the cuffs stay on.

Best Place To Swear At Your Christian Boyfriend: Michael's Church

Jill and Michael are such a sweet couple, right? Even though we know next to nothing about either of them? Anyway, Jill visits Michael at his church to vent about her dad's issues, and Michael takes the opportunity to godsplain about how faith works. When Jill asks why the two of them haven't had sex, Michael surprises her by telling her it's because he doesn't know if he loves her yet. Jill stomps off, but not before profaning God, Jesus, AND the Holy Ghost. The Leftovers contains many mysteries, none of them so vexing as why everyone fucking swears so fucking much. I mean, I swear a lot and I don't swear nearly as much as any single person on The Leftovers.

Best Place To Fight With Your Ghost: Kevin's Giant Truck

"I kill myself, next thing I know I'm saddled with you. I'm just as fuckin' lost as you are." That's Patti, in the midst of one of this episode's big conversation scenes, seemingly being as honest as she can with Kevin. This is when Michael shows up and tells Kevin he knows all about Patti. Michael takes Kevin to see his grandfather, a.k.a. The Guy John Murphy Shot But Didn't Kill.

Best Place To Learn A Life-Altering Thing Twice: Virgil's Trailer

Need to learn about how you have to die -- literally die -- in order to have a showdown with your personal demon(s)? Need to learn it again because you were sleepwalking the first time? Hands-down, the clear winner is Virgil's Trailer. Out of the way, yes, but surprisingly spacious, with a lightbulb-filled ceiling to die for (no pun!), Virgil's Trailer is the only place to learn that the solution to your problems is not the plot of The Exorcist but the plot of Flatliners.

Don't forget to say hi to Virgil himself, owner of "that foul machinery below the waist which transgressed the laws of man." This is a human character's own description of his genitalia, even though it's prose that would make William Faulkner himself go, "Eh, that's a little overwrought." Virgil is convinced that because he died at the hands of his abused son, he was able to meet his demons on the Other Side and return a changed (and literally castrated) man.

Best Place To Sacrifice A Goat...?

Trick question! Anyplace is Miracle is the best place to sacrifice a goat.

Second-Best Place To Get Your Handcuffs Cut Off: John's Fire Station

Kevin lets John infer that the cuffs were for sex-fun, but while they're waiting for dumb ol' Cedric to show up with the bolt cutters, John has Kevin give his palm-print, which they then run through a computer scanning program. Or, as Patti puts it: "Well, that's that. You went there to get free and you got caught."

Best Place To Meet Your Ex: The Fence At The Border

Laurie comes to town, looking for Tom. Kevin, in the midst of all his drama, is maybe not the best welcoming committee, and he scares her off. Guess she's gone for good!

Best Place To Re-Meet Your Ex: At The Motel

Kevin goes to find Laurie where she's told him she's staying, and she calmly explains to him that he's in the middle of a psychotic break, and that the reason Patti doesn't exist is because Patti doesn't appear to him with Laurie around. Why? Because Patti would know things about Laurie that Kevin wouldn't -- and therefore could simply prove her existence to both of them, were she real. Laurie is very convincing, and Kevin even brings her back to the house. Which would seem like an upswing for Kevin's sanity, except that...

Best Place To Flatline: Also Virgil's Trailer

Kevin just can't stay away from Virgil's Trailer! Virgil explains that Kevin will drink poison, which will kill him. Then Virgil will administer a syringe of epinephrine to restart Kevin's heart. Sounds like a GOLDEN plan, or one concocted from a half-remembered viewing of Pulp Fiction, so Kevin gulps down the poison -- with Patti screaming at him not to do it -- and totally dies. Except then Virgil squirts his syringe of epi (or water) onto the floor, and then shoots himself in the head. This is why there's no such thing as a suicide buddy, because anyone claiming to be your suicide buddy is probably not in his right mind. Luckily for Kevin (and Justin Theroux's agent), Michael pops up to drag Kevin's corpse out by the feet. Which means next week: Kevin Garvey, waking up in a person-sized shoe box under a tree. Calling it right now.

Best Place To Duck The Obvious...?

The Leftovers! Patti taunts Kevin with some fourth-wall breaking dialogue: "What if I was to tell you the solution to all your problems was a magical black man sitting at the edge of town? That's borderline racist, is what that is." Because as every purveyor of ironic racism knows, if you say it ironically, it can't be racist!

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