How The Killing Will Totally Fix All Its Problems

Dear Internet,

This is Donna Willett, Director Of Online Outreach at AMC, and I am sick of hearing about Arrested Development's return from the dead. Oh, you looooove the Bluths, and you want to analyze their new adventures like they were written by Herman Freaking Melville.  Well screw that show, and screw Jason Bateman's perpetually boyish face!

Because you know what?!? The Killing was also cancelled, and it's also coming back from the dead. Season 3 premieres this Sunday! But where are the tweets about that? Where's the "collector's edition" of Entertainment Weekly covers with Mireille Enos holding a variety of skulls? Nowhere!

And yes, I realize The Killing practically launched the hate-watching era, since everyone got so frustrated with its… everything. But do you think we don't realize that? Do you think we're in the AMC parking lot bobbing for apples? No! We listened to your complaints, and we went out of our way to address them, even though it meant delaying our Thanksgiving apple bob until Arbor Day!

For instance, everybody got super-mad when The Killing's first season didn't reveal who killed Rosie Larsen. (You should have seen the emails Todd got in Customer Feedback. They drove him to art therapy.) That's why every announcement for the third season has double-dog promised that the murder will be solved by the finale. I even spray-painted that message on a Los Angeles overpass, for god's sake.

But clearly, you're still not convinced, so let me explain how your other complaints about The Killing are also being remedied. Once you see what we've done, you'd better blog the hell out of it. If this thing doesn't catch on, then I have to buy Veena Sud an ice cream apology cake, and I do not want that sticky mess in my Subaru.

Your Complaint: Sarah Linden (Enos) is the world's worst detective. She misses obvious clues, asks stupid questions, and is apparently startled that people lie about themselves online.

What We've Done About It: Two words: Benedict Cumberbatch. This year, a girl's disappearance is connected to some of Linden's old cases, so she comes out of retirement to investigate. However, she's spent her retirement watching Sherlock over and over, so whenever she gets stumped, she just puts on a British accent and quotes from the show.  Now she's smart as a whip, guvnor!

Your Complaint: Sarah's son Jack (Liam James) is both pointless and stupid. Plus, Sarah's a terrible mother.

What We've Done About It: This year, the kid only pops up to say he's working at a Bed and Breakfast. In Colorado. Called the Overlook Hotel. Wanna know what happens when the ghosts come out for Jackie boy? Then help us get to Season 4!

Your Complaint: It rains too much. Is Noah coming to Seattle?

What We've Done About It: By the second episode, the murderer will have created a drought. It's not only another mystery to solve, but also a metaphor, just like in Edgar Allan Poe!

Your Complaint: Mitch Larsen (Michelle Forbes) spent the entire second season in a lakeside hotel, singing pop songs with some runaway teen. Do you even hear how that sounds?

What We've Done About It: In January 2013, AMC joined with the Obama Administration to name Michelle Forbes America's Cultural Ambassador to Chad. She will be out of the country until 2016.

Your Complaint: Almost every character gets teased as a potential murderer, even when it doesn't make sense. Don't you realize we'll keep watching, even if we never think the high school teacher did it?

What We've Done About It: I can't tell you who the suspects are, but I will say that Clue is an amazing movie, especially because it has all those endings. Why end a story once when you can end it thrice?

Discussion

Explore the The Killing forum or add a comment below.