Screens: ABC Family

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

Al Lowe falls down the churronut-hole and emerges with more questions about The Fosters.

I was getting a little annoyed by this episode of The Fosters, thinking it wasn't moving anything forward and kind of meandering into some ridiculous territory, but damn if they didn't get it together and come up with a really good hour. It has everything I like about the show: not a lot of Brandon; zero Sophia and Robert (sorry, but they exhaust me); no boneheadedness from Callie; Mariana being cute and smart. There is some stuff, however, that made me clench a little and, anyway, I have questions about it all.

How fast can I get a churronut, and where has this idea been all my life?

Probably this delicious brilliance is widespread and being produced in a city near all of us, but I had never heard of it until now. I haven't eaten gluten for several years (tears, but it had to be done) and that is probably why, but now I will dream of this confection every night for the rest of my life and probably wake up with my teeth clamped on the cat, such is my longing for a churronut.

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Please tell me we are not about to have to deal with a Brandon/Callie/AJ triangle of some kind?

Do I sense this is happening? I can't even tell. I see Brandon is feeling testy about AJ suddenly appearing in both of his households and, well, who can blame him, really? But to turn it into a thing where he's jealous because his dad likes to watch basketball with a new guy? Please don't. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I give Brandon a bit more credit there: he has now known many, many foster kids in his life. You'd think he could handle it. And don't reignite any spark between Brandon and Callie, because I can't with that ever again.

Really, I don't want to care about AJ, either. I was hoping to concentrate on the core group for a while. BUT, Tom Williamson is extremely appealing and I like him. Now I have to know what is up with this mysterious brother -- but don't drag it out forever, show.

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WTF is Monte's ACTUAL DEAL?!

I'm not talking about her possible bisexuality, I'm talking about the game she is or is not running on Lena. Is she just a confused straight woman looking for love in all the adventurous places? Is she a manipulative player who set her sights on Lena from the beginning? These two possibilities are equally dangerous. Is there some third option that I cannot even fathom in which she does not understand the fire she is playing with? Just when I was buying it that she's merely trying to live a little and explore her attractions post-divorce, she goes and suggests that Lena continue to keep their kiss from Stef.

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Lena very mistakenly feels like if Monte is really straight, the kiss wasn't a big deal, but if Monte's maybe gay (gaybe, if you will), it's different, because Monte would then have been making a legit play and, thus, she is obligated to tell Stef? Except, neither of those things is really logical and if Lena had just told Stef to begin with that it was just a thing that happened, they could have all been over it by now.

Extra-credit question: is that what lesbian bars look like now?! Because, ha ha ha, that is NOT what they looked like twenty years ago. Don't ask me how I know. Or, do ask me, I don't care, but I am just saying: where is this lady nirvana and how much is the cover? Do they have $5 well drinks on Tuesdays and is there a biker night? That place was on some kind of Parisian salon/Sarandon and Deneuve in The Hunger level and it was blowing my mind.

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How will Jude and Conner manage their young relationship as young men?

As the weeks go on, I am more and more interested to see how things between this pair will progress. I mean, right now it appears they would rather sit around playing videogames than sneak off and make out, so that's good, I guess? They're SO young, and this romantic playing field is so unexplored in mass media. It's really interesting.

Meanwhile, every prop in the world to The Fosters for maneuvering the gun story between them and then using it to help them understand each other. I was about to get irritated when it seemed like Jude was being an actual granny bothered by Conner's interests (loud-ass videogames), but in fact it's the game's gun sounds and violence that bother him. That little twist is absolutely masterful. My anti-gun husband was, many years ago, an Air Force firearms instructor, and once took me to a shooting range after I had a particularly terrible week. I had always talked big about my surely innate Charlie's Angels abilities, but I had the exact experience Jude and Conner had when Stef took them through the paces. I picked up the gun, pointed it, and stood there for three solid minutes in terror. The lesson to learn here is never pick up a fucking gun. I did fire it and did fine, but it was a nightmare and I will never touch one again and neither should anybody.

Will Mariana regain her senses re: Wyatt?

I hate to bust on my girl after her churronut triumph, but...I'm worried. She sure does seem relaxed around Callie. Surely she does not think Wyatt will keep her secret forever. I don't like the text flirtations. I know his hair probably haunts your dreams, Mariana, but what about Mat? WHAT ABOUT CUTE MAT? I hate the thought of her telling him, but I guess she has to. I feel like Cierra Ramirez should be and will be a huge star, and that she plays Mariana so perfectly...I dread how much I am going to cry when this all goes down. I already have a headache thinking about it.

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