Photo: Adam Taylor / ABC Family

After The Car Accident, A Train Wreck

The Fosters is back, but that's not good news all around.

We're back! Three weeks have passed since the hit-and-run accident that closed out last season -- you know, the one we were afraid killed everyone? It apparently killed no one, and Jesus even recovered enough to have left for boarding school already. Ana had her baby girl, Isabella, and chose to raise her, which she is doing while wearing a backbrace and with the aid of her own mom and Mariana. Except...Mariana is kind of crowding Ana, who has to give Mariana the brush-off. Meanwhile, after causing the world's biggest squee by coming out to his family along with Connor, Jude suddenly wants to keep his relationship with Connor a secret. And Callie is helping a foster kid through her work at the center and -- guess what -- she makes a completely boneheaded judgment call about the situation, and now she may not graduate with her class.

Basically, it seems like everything old was new again and nothing of any consequence was going to occur, to the point where I spent at least twenty minutes believing this was some Sliding Doors nonsense they were pulling and that the last scene would be Stef at Jesus's hospital bedside waking up and saying she just had a dream about all the boring stuff that could have been until Jesus was beheaded in that car accident. (Why would he still be in a hospital bed if he was beheaded? I don't know, but I think Jesus could survive without a head, since we know there's nothing in it.)

BUT. Leave it to our faves Mariana and Jude to bring the pain.

FIRST OF ALL: Jude gets all worked up when a kid at school kind of nonchalantly asks him and Connor if they are "gay for each other" (ugh), to which Jude proclaims, "I'm not gay!" before stomping off, leaving Connor to chase after him, on crutches, on the beach. For the first time, ever, I had to say "Poor Connor." The thing is, Jude is sick of being labeled: foster kid, the guy with the dead mom, etc. He just wants to be Jude. But he also wants to be Connor's boyfriend. (Squeeeee.)

AND, SECONDLY: Mariana...OMG. People, my neighbors probably called the cops from the blaring of my "NOOOOOOOOooooOOOOOOOoooo," which is still going on as I type this. I cannot stop it, because it is a "NO" that deserves to go on and on for at least forty days and nights. Mariana, feeling rejected by Ana, tries to sex up on Mat before he leaves for his totally endless (three weeks) band tour. This is when my "NO" starts, because I think we've all been fifteen and, young friends, if you are actually fifteen right now and reading this on your mobile device, please take my advice and do not pull this move: no matter which way it goes, it fails. Because...Mat doesn't really want their first time to be randomly on a public beach and, therefore, he puts her off. He's cute and nice and though he doesn't handle it all that awesomely, he is still the smartest person on this beach tonight. Because when, ten minutes later, Cool Hair Wyatt shows up with beers in his backpack, Mariana gets drunk and jumps him. I mean, I DO understand that his hair is extremely beautiful and difficult to resist, but COME ON, NOW. Not only is he not Mat: hello, he's Callie's ex-boyfriend?!

I CAN'T WITH THIS. Don't ruin Mariana. She's the only kid on the show consistently capable of ripping off her Bad Idea Jeans before a situation becomes irreparable! And to mess up things between herself and Callie...oh, God. Is this going to cause Callie to run away and live with her BioDad and once again delay her adoption? Will we still be waiting for Callie to be adopted when she's forty-seven and a sitting judge on the U.S. Supreme Court? Or, like, "I'm so glad NASA relaunched the space program and made me an astronaut. Too bad I couldn't be adopted before they sent me to Mars."

Move it a little bit forward, The Fosters. Callie's running out of bad decisions to make, and no one wants to see Mariana pushed down her old path to disaster.

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