The Challenge Shows Us Its O(asis) Face
Two more never-wons head home before the show hurls its champion curveball.
After a legitimate nail-biter of a challenge that requires the kids to "roll" wicker cubes to a key and unlock themselves -- I was watching through my fingers as Shane frittered away a seemingly insurmountable lead, but was saved by Anthony bricking the lock at the last minute -- it's our final pre-Oasis elimination round of the season, pitting Sylvia, LaToya, Anthony, and Nelson against a 1000-foot vertical climb up busted temple stairs. Sylvia is an odds-on non-favorite, but manages to pull it out, breaking up the LaToya-Nelson showmance; the editors try to fake us out by giving Nelson plenty of talking-head camera time to wax self-pitying about his tough upbringing, but he too holds firm, and Anthony's heading home.
While the Challengers do the obligatory oohing and aahing over their new digs (which look, you know, identical to every single other Challenge house regardless of location), I give myself a mani and wait for the champs to show up, and at the last moment, as Teej prepares to introduce the next challenge, they do -- scowling as instructed and shot in overly respectful slo-mo.
Put helmets on 'em and it's The Shite Stuff.
The battle is truly joined (and so are a couple pairs of pelvises). Let's rank the Challengers.
Doesn't get rattled by LaToya's early lead and slow-and-steadies it to a win.
Beasts three quarters of the challenge, and when Anthony comes up on him, keeps a cool head and ekes out a win. I could have done without the "my demon is anyone who's told me I can't," but at least he's still in the thing.
His delightedly starstruck "C fuckin' T!" upon spotting Signore Tamburello is hereby cosigned.
Why bother lying that you and Huntry only "dry-humped"? Also, who still says "dry-humping" -- what year is it? But she's still my girl for her cheery adieu to beach living: "I never want to see a shelter or the outdoors again!" Amen, sister.
While nobody really needed this "comic" interlude with Nicole, Nicole's massive Costco drum of PB, and Nicole fellating a tureen-ful of PB,
she's a good sport about it, at least.
Not a hundred on his being "down to get mushy" when it should be obvious to his larger head that he's more than just a flirtation; he's a potential lifeline for Kailah in the game.
Jenna, Kailah, Hunter
Needs to spend more time making accidentally meaningful lists (see Best Quote below) and less time watching housemates fuck. And less time with Nelson, while I'm up.
Minimal screentime. Cara Maria's scrunchy attempt at a game face needs work.
The one time she could have gone up a couple notches in my book by punting Sylvia for the extra point, and she doesn't come through. Solid effort, a funny line about getting sand in her weave, but she's beaten, and goes home.
Loses the elimination challenge; otherwise, registered not a whit. Glad I won't keep confusing him with Hunter, I guess?
Her genuine pride and shock at having won an athletic time trial -- I mean, it's over LaToya, but at least she won -- is kind of sweet, but I'm giving it maaaaaaybe eight minutes into next week before she's overserved and goes ham on a housemate.
This fuckin' guy. Maybe keep your critiques of the girls' cube-rolling techniques to yourself until you've either 1) tried it and won, which, spoiler, isn't going to happen, and in fact you finished dead last so zip it; or 2) you've gotten into the Oasis yourself. His melodramatic "I embarrassed myself; I embarrassed my family" isn't even satisfying, because he doesn't get what he should be embarrassed about.
MVP: The monkey Sylvia bribed to menace LaToya.
LVP: I do not think that reference means what Anthony thinks it means.
Dishonorable mention to the weird year's-supply-of-Burger-King prizing.
Best Reaction Shot: A monk walks right through Teej's shot as he's describing the elimination challenge.
It's the baffled but mellow "h'lo" he gives the monk that really sells it.
Best Quote: Dario's list of what's awesome about the Oasis: "We got soap; we got Jacuzzis; we got cold cuts; we got toilets!" That he includes cold cuts is already the best, but that it's ahead of indoor plumbing? Love it.
Sickest Burn: The face Darrell accidentally prompts Bananas to make while noting that he's won four out of his six appearances.
I guess that's better than Bananas, who maybe has more wins net but in more tries? I don't care to look that up (mostly because I don't want Bananas to turn out to be better, hee) but feel free to update us in the comments!
Crimes Against Fashion: I'm told by HQ that I shouldn't put pictures of butts in these articles, so you'll just have to trust me when I tell you that Kailah has multiple bathing suits and they all show multiple acres of cheek. Instead, let's admire the rare plain TJ v-neck.
The Wrath Of Teej: Nope! Quite proud of everyone and makes sure to say so.