Oslo Motion Train Wreck

The challengers relocate from Panama to Norway. Most of them have packed their shitty, abusive behavior in their carry-ons.

Last week: Sarah made the strategic and awesome choice when she sent Nany and Bananas into the elimination. But now she’s feeling remorseful and cries to Jordan -- who, to his credit, backs her up. After the challenge, they all head back to a hotel in Panama City, where everybody is probably sharing one giant suite instead of getting separate rooms for drama purposes. Nia, who is extremely sloppy, calls Sarah a "sloppy, lazy bitch who doesn't want to work hard but wants to go to a final." When Sarah doesn't back down, Nia goes over to Jordan and pulls down his pants, announcing that he "has a vagina." Nia -- who is a woman and presumably has a vagina herself -- seems to think that this is an insult. Nany says that Sarah should do whatever she has to do in order to make money...unless it affects Nany. That pretty much sums up why everyone is so mad, and she doesn't even realize what she's saying. They can all talk a good game about lying and betraying each other, but the truth is that they're actually mad about another person possibly making more MTV dollars.

The gang gets a clue that Teej left them something in the minibar. (How did they not already look in there? How did Nia not already look in there?) It's individual envelopes addressed to the challengers, and in the envelopes, there are airline tickets to Norway. Nany admits out loud that she doesn't know where Norway is. After what has to be a ridiculously long flight (probably two -- I somehow doubt there's a direct from Panama City to Oslo), they arrive in Norway at a lovely minimalist resort somewhere and have a nice meal -- or, at least, some of them do. Remember how Zach thought he was Thor but couldn't actually get to Norway? Show, thank you for providing me an additional reason to laugh at Zach even though he's not here anymore.

Hurricane Nia isn't going to let the "Jordan is not a colossal asshole, which means he is weak, which also means he has a vagina" line of non-reasoning go, and she flat-out grabs Jordan's penis through his jeans and prods it a couple of times while he calmly tells her she can't do that. She also has some drunken rant about how Jordan is a [insert gay slur here], but it's okay because gay people love her and therefore she can't get in trouble.

Teej shows up at the house the next day when they're all expecting a meal, or the details of the next challenge. He tells Nia to pack her bags, but they all seem to think it's still a twist in the game. Finally, when it's Dome time, Teej explains that Nia crossed the line physically and therefore had to go, since the Challenge takes sexual harassment very seriously (following the whole Tonya lawsuit, anyway, because their lawyers say they have to). After a quick fakeout, Teej brings out Leroy's other ex, Theresa, to be his new partner. Leroy says it's like "Christmas and my birthday," and Bananas says that Leroy just replaced "a donkey with a racehorse." And Bananas just replaced my desire to barf with one to punch him.

Theresa gets brought up to speed, and when she finds out that Nany and Bananas got voted in, she's practically gleeful. (Girl, I am right there with you.) And then it's "grapple and practically kill each other" time! Leroy defeats Bananas, who claims he has a broken rib, but there is no Challenge doctor mention, so I'm pretty sure Bananas isn't actually hurt. After a lot of fighting dirty and kicking each other in the face, Theresa defeats Nany. Now this "sucks to suck" re-eliminated team will have to go get on a plane for another all-day flight, and I will be eating popcorn through an entirely Banana-free final.

And about that final: the challenge involves getting in a helicopter, being dropped at a fjord, having to kayak for ten miles, and then climbing a mountain. Along the way, Norwegian "trolls" have set up roadblocks, and the contestants will have to complete tasks and conquer obstacles in order to keep moving on. Reigning power couple Sarah and Jordan get to choose the order, so of course they go first and put Jay and Jenna second. Sarah voice-overs about how excited she is and how much she wants to win, and Jordan says, "I'm going to do everything I can to get her the grand prize." She tackle-hugs him. I would honestly be okay with any of these three teams winning, which is a thing I haven't been able to say about a Challenge in pretty much ever, but I want these two to win it the most, especially if I get to watch Bananas's facial expressions when they do.

  1. Sarah/Jordan
    Sarah is being polite and grateful by complimenting the free food and wine MTV got them, which Bananas thinks is really trashy because he's actually mad about having to earn his keep. Jordan is infinitely nicer about the Nia thing than I would have been, because I guess he learned a lot about how to deal with crazy people on his Real World season.
  2. Jenna/Jay
    Jay continues to make me like him by being a reasonable person, which on this show is roughly equivalent to being Gandhi. Bananas is clearly panicking and starts lashing out at Jay of all people, who correctly points out that he has never done anything wrong and that Bananas doesn't get the right to randomly lecture people and pull this "elder statesman of The Challenge" shit just because he's mad about not sailing into the final. All the points for the secret Keyser Soze team.
  3. Theresa/Leroy/Nia
    Although Leroy was supportive of Nia when her success helped keep him in the game, he is clearly thrilled to have upgraded to a better and less psycho partner. I also enjoy the sound of Wes losing his shit from all the way back home in wherever he's from.
  4. Nany/Bananas
    Nany and Jenna go out drinking and dancing in Norway the night before the Dome. There are some hijinks where Nany's scarf gets stuck to Jenna and they wander around like they're in a drunken three-legged race and almost fall in a river. Bananas is furious because he wants them to be in fighting shape, but Nany will probably be hung over from all those tequila shots she's taking. Then again, he was going to blame a woman for his loss anyway, so why not Nany for a change instead of Sarah?

Episode Superlatives

MVP: Sarah. Also, she is an elementary school art teacher! She inspires the youth of tomorrow to express themselves creatively and gets Bananas off of my television? Sarah, call me.

LVP: BYE BANANAS. At first, I was mad that the show let you come back, but I'm fine with it since it means I got to watch you lose again.

Best Reaction Shot: Nany freezes in horror as she sees Theresa walking up to join Leroy. She could also have just realized that Norway is cold.

Best Quote: "All I heard was $250,000. I didn't hear anything about trolls or whatever." - Leroy has his eyes on the prize.

Sickest Burn: Jay expresses concern about a possible eating-weird-food portion of the final: "Jenna doesn't eat anything. She doesn't even eat normal food."

Crimes Against Fashion: We get it, Under Armour. You're sponsoring the show. We know.

The Wrath of Teej: Teej explains that the final is inspired by Norse mythology, specifically trolls. "These trolls created roadblocks and made people perform tasks just to get by -- or, simply, sometimes for their own amusement, kind of like us."

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