Photo: Angus Muir/ABC

'We Need More Adjectives'

Boiling down the latest episode of The Bachelorette to its essentials.

Last week's preview led us to believe that this week's Bachelorette would be, in a word, drraaAAAmaa!!!!, but turns out, last week's preview lied. Let us spare you the tedium.

Welcome to Madeira

Des and the men board a pirate ship and sail to their hotel. We find out that Desiree says the word "potential" weird. Nothing else happens.

Desiree's "friends" visit

Three of the dead-eyed duds from Sean's season -- Catherine, Jackie, and Lesley -- show up for a round of "girl talk" with Desiree. These four, at one point, were all competing for the same doofus, and then one of them won said doofus, and now they're all best friends who drink bright yellow martinis together? I'm not buying it. The "ladies" put on binocs and creep on Desiree's remaining men, making snap judgments about them based on their bathing attire. Next, the ladies ask Des who the best kisser is, who has the best eyes, and best body, and so on, and giggle uproariously. I feel like actual female friends do not bond by asking each other lists of generic questions, but my friends and I also didn't meet while trying to win the heart of a man who calls photographs "pitchers," so what do I know about anything?

Brooks's one-on-one date in the clouds

Brooks and Des get into a tiny car and scoot away into the distance. Much of their conversation revolves around what they have done on past dates. ("On our last date, we drove around." "On that other date we had, we went to L.A.") Deep stuff. While discussing the need for a term between "like" and "love" that would sufficiently express their feelings for each other (may I suggest "don't really know" or "am acquainted with"?), Des and Brooks agree that they need more "adjectives." That's right, adjectives, i.e., those basic parts of speech that modify nouns and which do not include verbs such as "like" or "love." But sure, more adjectives it is! Let me start: "vapid," "hackneyed," "famewhoreish," "dumb as a box of hair"!

Anyway, Des and Brooks drive up to a cloudy mountain, where they have drinks and Brooks talks about puzzle pieces and journeys and -- wait for it -- clouds. They agree that things are "easy" between them, maybe because they're on a TV show and don't have to worry about buying toilet paper, holding down jobs, planning dates, paying rent, or contracting that incurable brain fungus that's slowly spreading throughout the western United States. One of them stumbles across the phrase "on cloud nine" and then that gets used a whole lot throughout the rest of the date, building to a climactic moment where they both shout "We're on cloud nine" over the side of the mountain, just to make sure that particular cloud-based reference wasn't lost on anyone. Then, at dinner, just for good measure, Brooks says "cloud nine" again. At dinner, they also bring up that whole "adjectives" business again, and here's what Des has come up with: "stepping," "skipping," "running," and "finish line," three of which are gerund-form verbs, one of which is a noun, and NONE OF WHICH IS AN ADJECTIVE. I'm trying to remind myself that Des grew up in a tent and that I need to cut her some slack, but what's Brooks's excuse? Anyway, on a scale from "like" to "love," Desiree says she's currently "running," but Brooks, we learn, is "a little bit behind." Then he uses "on cloud nine" again, in case we forgot about that for a second. Anyway, the basic message of this date is that Desiree is more into Brooks than he is into her, and she's being a little bit clingy.

Chris's one-on-one picnic date

Chris and Des go out on a boat, which Chris calls "chillin,' boat-style." There's an uncomfortable scene where Chris puts sunscreen on Des while sexy Spanish guitar music plays. Chris calls their chemistry "pretty legit," and why does Chris sound like Young MC when he tries to describe things? While they eat a picnic lunch, Chris announces that they're going to write a poem together and put it in a bottle for some unfortunate soul to find. Sample lines from this poem, which is not quite as heinous as some of their earlier efforts, but still pretty awful: "Keep the memories close to heart;" "No matter the distance or hours away;" "I long for the day that I will be with you forevermore," quoth the RAVEN NEVERMORE. At dinner, Chris immediately asks Des how many children she wants, and tells her that he wants enough children that his kids won't have to have other friends, which sounds healthy. Meanwhile, Chris is getting a case of the old butterflies because he wants to tell Des he loves her. Finally he spits it out -- in the form of a poem, of course. Some of the more inscrutable lines include: "But when expressed with true feeling, sincere, for no other word can mean so much more," "Words expressed by you," and "I appreciate your emotion you have shown." The last line is "I love you." FIN.

Michael's one-on-one date in town

Des and Michael, the latter of whom has ditched his unnecessary headband and switched to an unnecessary pocket square, stroll around town, and it's apparent that they have zero chemistry, even when they're doing wacky things like tasting local fruits. Undaunted, Michael goes in for a reaaaaalllly mouthy kiss and I actually have to look away, because my eyes. Michael and Des take a rickety-looking toboggan down a hill, and Michael compares the experience to love, because love is a lot like riding a wheeled couch down a hill with two guys dressed like Venetian gondola boaters and some lady you don't know that well. Michael and Des then go to dinner and Michael tells her how his no-good dad left him and his diabetes high and dry. He also says that he doesn't want his tombstone to read "World's Greatest Prosecutor," because he'd rather have it read "Loving Husband and Father." I don't think he'll really have to worry about that first one, but okay. Michael tells us he is falling in love with Desiree and implies that he is going to marry her, and it is cute that he thinks that.

Two-on-one date with Drew and Zak

Des takes the two unlucky two-on-one daters to a go-kart race track. The three of them race, and then Des says to the guys, "How 'bout you two go at it?" and Drew looks pretty amped for a second. Then he understands that Desiree means racing, and his face falls a little bit. Zak wins the race, and Drew is sad. But it ends up not mattering, because Drew gets the rose, and I'm beginning to wonder why Desiree forced them to race at all if she wasn't going to base her decision about who to marry on pure go-karting skills. Seems as good a metric as anything else, when it comes down to it.

Pre-rose ceremony chat with Chris Harrison

Des chats about her men with Chris Harrison. She tells him she has "hit the finish line" with Brooks, which I think, based on her spectrum of "adjectives," means that she loves him. BIG NEWS. But she still has an open mind, so, everyone just chill out.

Rose ceremony

Longgggg story short, Michael is going home -- several weeks too late, if you ask me. Bet he wishes he had worn his lucky headband to the rose ceremony now. Des walks Michael out and tells him that he is "special," but that their relationship didn't grow fast enough. Michael says that he was willing to commit forever, but no big deal. Then he tells her that no girl will ever match up to her ever in his life, but, you know, no big deal. Then he climbs into his awaiting SUV, cries, and says he feels like his heart just exploded. But really, no big deal. He calls his mom and tells her that he's getting sent home and says, "Maybe I'm just not meant to get married and have a family." NO BIG DEAL, THOUGH.

Verdict

This is The Most Boring episode so far, which is really saying something for this snore of a season, and even Chris's tortured, passive voice poetry can't revive this dead bird from the ashes. So go ahead and press delete on the DVR -- skip this entire mess and go on with your day.

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