Byron Cohen / ABC

The Bachelorette's Men Tell All (Now, With More Chad!)

CHAD IS BACK AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS RIGHT NOW.

Re-Meet The Men

We are reintroduced to the men, all of whom I immediately re-forget about, even as I sit here watching their dumb faces. Before Chad is brought out, the rest of the men discuss the tension in the house between Alex and Chad. The general consensus seems to be that while Chad is an unhinged psycho, Alex is a whiny instigator. Wells theorizes that Alex is a "war hero" who has spent most of his adult life in conflict, and THAT'S why he's an asshole. However, Luke points out that he was also in the military, and that people in the military tend to grow out of the impulse to fight everyone as they mature. Touché. The conversation soon refocuses on Chad, and why everyone hates him (short answer: CHAD BE CRAZY). But Canadian Daniel pipes up to say he found all the guys' complaining about Chad to be tiresome, and that Chad was just being "real!" Ugh, take your Chad apologism back across the border, Daniel. #neverchad

Chad Takes The Hot Seat

As Chad is walking out to the stage, he calls Alex a "little manlet" under his breath, thus confirming why this show needs more of Chad and his almost certainly illegal testosterone levels. Once Chad is ensconced in the hot seat, we revisit his "journey" on the show, which mostly consists of Chad angrily getting into arguments, angrily exercising, and angrily eating assorted foodstuffs. When questioned by Chris Harrison about why he had such a hard time in the house, Chad accuses the other men of being "fake" and fratty, which is actually pretty fair. He points out that all the men on the show are trying to work in media, implying that they were all on the show just to launch modeling or acting careers, which, again: fair. Sealing his position as Chad, Unlikely Voice Of Reason, Chad also criticizes the other men for claiming to fall in love with JoJo right away when, in fact, they barely knew her. Stop making so much sense, Chad, you crazy asshole!

It is soon revealed that, since leaving the show, Chad has dated both Grant's and Robby's ex-girlfriends. Nice. He claims that he started dating these women "to show them that we're not all bad." Oh, Chad. Some dude who I swear I have never seen before but was apparently a contestant this season (Nick B.) stands up and tells Chad he wants to fight him, calls him a coward, and then hovers there while Chris Harrison throws to commercial. When we get back from commercial, Chad declines to fight Nick B., citing the fact that they're both in dress shoes and that fighting would "look stupid." Point: Chad.

Derek brings up the time Chad threatened him with physical harm when Derek moved Chad's protein, an anecdote which pretty much sums up Chad. On that note, Chris Harrison asks Chad about his threat to hunt Jordan down after the show and hurt him. Chad suggests that maybe he'd hunt Jordan down and "bring him some candies." He also accuses Jordan of only being on the show to raise his media profile, which, duh. Finally, Chris Harrison asks if Chad has any regrets. He says he doesn't regret 99% of what happened. I'm so glad Chad has grown from this experience!

Luke Takes The Hot Seat

Luke mounts the hot seat to discuss HIS stupid journey. He says he should have told JoJo he was in love with her earlier. He adds that he's still in love with her, but that he only wants her to be happy. In other words: "PICK ME FOR THE BACHELOR! PICK ME, PICK ME!" He also refers to himself as a "hopeless romantic," and says that JoJo "taught [him] to love again." Gag.

Chase Takes The Hot Seat

Chase doesn't regret telling JoJo he loved her, even though she brutally humiliated him as soon as he said it. 'Kay.

JoJo Emerges

JoJo comes out and says nothing at all of interest. Then the men are allowed to ask her questions. When Luke asks what went wrong between them, she says she dumped him mainly because he never told her he loved her, and that she needs "words of affirmation" in a relationship. Eye rollllzzzz. When it's Chase's turn, he comes up to the couch and gives JoJo a hug. He tells her that their breakup hurt him and asks why she invited him into the Fantasy Suite at all if she was just going to dump him. She doesn't have a great answer to this.

Finally, it's Chad's turn. He wishes JoJo "the best of luck," and then states that Jordan is a "liar and cheater" and that Robby broke up with his girlfriend "days before coming on the show." The audience boos. JoJo declines to feed the Chad troll, though, which is disappointing. Then, out of nowhere, Vinny's mother stands up in the crowd and tells JoJo she made a mistake when she let Vinny go. JoJo responds that she and Vinny were better as friends. Weirdly, Vinny does not seem embarrassed by his mother.

Bloopers

As bloopers go, these are like a B-minus.

Sneak Peek At Next Week

It looks dramatic.

Verdict

But sparingly! All of the Chad encounters are fun to watch, but the rest can safely be skipped.

For Star Trek Week, we ask:

Which Star Trek planet should we send Chad to?

  • Nausicaa: The homeworld of the ill-tempered Nausicaan species. Chad may or may not be a member of the ill-tempered Nausicaan species.
  • Gramilia: Known for Gramilian sand fleas. Chad would threaten to fight each and every one of them.
  • Evadne IV: The destination of the Enterprise-D until it uncovered an unstable wormhole near the Ngame Nebula. Chad can also be described as an unstable wormhole.
  • Alture VII: Planet whose protein baths and meditation chambers were simulated by Quark's holosuite. CHAD LIKES PROTEIN BATHS.
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