The Bachelorette Thais Her Wagon To Two Boring Stars!
JoJo brings her dudes to Thailand for zero Thai stuff, but plenty of overnight action.
Rose Ceremony, Continued
When we left off last week, JoJo was crying and trying to decide what to do about Luke, whom she was going to send home just before he went and told her he loved her. After much weeping and crouching and hair-adjusting, JoJo finishes her freak-out and returns to the rose ceremony. Turns out, Luke's profession of love wasn't enough, and he's going back to his hay bale couch in Texas. Luke is shocked by this! He stares straight ahead with his mouth ajar while JoJo clings to him and cries. Before he gets into his pensive limo, he tells JoJo he misses her already as she blubbers about following her heart. After a really boring, really long, really tearful back-and-forth, Luke FINALLY gets in the limo. After he's gone, JoJo cries some more and wonders if she made a mistake. "I, like, miss him," she sobs. Observation: NO ONE CARES.
Robby's One-On-One Date
It's the week of overnight dates, and the gang is in Thailand! JoJo can't wait to "see the people and see the culture"! Sure! Robby's date is up first. They go to a market, at which they have exactly zero cultural experiences. Later, they get foot massages and discuss their "future." At dinner, JoJo shares that at this point during her season of The Bachelor, she told Ben that she loved him and he said it back. Cool story! In return, Robby shares a note that his dad wrote him, in which his dad says that he can tell Robby loves JoJo. Robby lets JoJo keep the note. ...Thanks?
Finally, JoJo whips out the Fantasy Suite card and Robby accepts her invitation to (probably) bone her. Robby: "I want to be that guy who is late to work because he doesn't want to get out of bed with [JoJo]." That sterling work ethic is why Robby's profession is listed as "former competitive swimmer." Anyway, JoJo and Robby spend the night together and make out in bed the next morning. Gross!
Jordan's One-On-One Date
Jordan meets JoJo on a beach for their date. "Me and JoJo's relationship is so fun," says Jordan, native English speaker. They hike into a cave (which, conveniently, has steps) and marvel at the wonder of nature, or whatever. Then, they check out a temple inside the cave and manage not to make out for five seconds out of "respect" for Thai Buddhist culture. Later, they sit on some rocks and discuss their "relationship." Jordan says that having JoJo meet his family was the "last box [he] needed to check," but JoJo points out that he still hasn't met her family. Oh, right...them. Jordan muses that he's always wanted his future wife's father to just look at him and know, instinctively, that Jordan would take care of his daughter. But Jordan is worried he won't have that instant trust with JoJo's dad. Shut up, Jordan. Shut up forever.
At dinner, JoJo notes that she and Jordan have never talked about their future together. That makes sense! She asks what the next year of his life is going to look like. Jordan says he doesn't know! Jordan: "I don't have, nor do I need, a home base right now." He seems baffled that his lack of home and job aren't totally reassuring to JoJo. Scrambling, he adds that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. JoJo: "That's what Ben said." BURN. JoJo presses Jordan on how he knows that he's in love with her. Jordan: "I have a feeling when I'm with you that I've never had before." This stirring proclamation is enough to convince JoJo that she should have sex with him, apparently. She presents him with the Fantasy Suite card and -- surprise! -- he accepts. The morning after their rendezvous, Jordan reflects that they "took a big step last night, in a really exciting direction." Foul.
Chase's One-On-One Date
Chase is someone JoJo can "have fun with"! Special! They hang out on a beach and toast to their dumb journey. At dinner, Chase tells JoJo that while he was a bit insecure about the two other dudes being involved, he doesn't want to be anymore. He wants "security" and "protection" and sees a future with JoJo! She rewards him with a dead-eyed smile. Despite clearly not being Into It, JoJo gives Chase the Fantasy Suite card.
Once inside the sacred Fantasy Suite, Chase tells JoJo that he's "one-hundred percent in love with [her]." She smiles wanly and pecks him on the lips. Then she thanks him, which is NOT A GOOD SIGN, CHASE. She then excuses herself to go outside and brood, while Chase sits on the couch and blithely sips champagne. She comes back in and tells Chase that although she had been wanting him to say he loved her, once he actually said it, she was underwhelmed. Chase is mad! He says he just put himself out there and now he's "skewered" and "shattered." He accuses JoJo of not giving him a chance. She says she's trying to be fair by letting him know she doesn't love him now instead of blindsiding him, but, like, couldn't she have told him this BEFORE he told her he loved her? And couldn't she have just not given him a Fantasy Suite card to begin with? I mean, have her feelings really cooled so drastically in the twenty minutes since dinner? Come on, JoJo. Not cool.
While Chase fumes, JoJo cries, wanting him to reassure HER. Chase gives JoJo a hug and then tries to peace out, but JoJo runs after him. She wants him to tell her everything's okay, but Chase isn't having it. He gets into a janky-looking van and is escorted back to his individual room, which, alas, he foolishly chose to forego!
Saying goodbye to Chase has "solidified" JoJo's feelings for Jordan and Robby. She's in the middle of explaining to them how she sent Chase home because she didn't love him when Chase shows up! Awkward timing, Chase. He tells her he "care[s] too much to let [their] relationship end the way it did." (WHY?) He also says that he's "proud of [her]" and not mad. They hug and he leaves. JoJo starts crying again because she "still ha[s] feelings for him." One second later, she goes back and gives the other men a speech about how much she loves them both and doesn't love Chase. She sure is bouncing back quickly from these "devastating" breakups, huh!
The scene in which JoJo dumps Chase and he gets pissed at her is satisfying to watch, but all traces of satisfaction are subsequently erased when Chase returns to apologize for how he handled things. She doesn't deserve an apology, Chase. If anyone deserves an apology, it's us, the viewers. I'll be awaiting your letter.
For Star Trek Week we ask:
Which Star Trek planets would make a better setting for The Bachelorette than Earth?
- Alpha Carinae V – The home planet of the Drella, an entity that absorbs energy from the feelings of love it senses around it. Sounds like something these idiots would be into.
- Brentalia – A planet where endangered lifeforms from different worlds can be brought for refuge. Also a safe space for all contestants named Brent.
- Chalna – The home world of the Chalnoth species, a people who have no laws or organized system of government (also known as Bachelor In Paradise).
- Gamma Vertis IV – Planet whose inhabitants are mute. A girl can dream.
- Gonal IV – Planet known for its moth swarms. I mostly just want to see them in JoJo's hair.
- Oby VI – Planet where an outbreak of plasma plague infected the northern continent. Bring on the plasma plague!