Matt Klitscher / ABC

The Bachelorette Says 'Phuket' And Picks A Guy!

JoJo gets her man, FINALLY. Can we all go home now?

After a grueling season, we've finally reached the finale of this mess! So, which ill-suited bozo will JoJo wrongly choose for herself? We only have to struggle through THREE HOURS of bullshit to find out! Here we go!

Jordan Meets JoJo's Family

JoJo is in Phuket and has "come so far!" (...Geographically, if not mentally or emotionally.) JoJo is torn between two lovers, feelin' like a fool, so she goes to meet with her family to discuss her options. She tells them she thinks she loves both remaining men, and they all nod, like this is normal and not ridiculous.

Jordan shows up to meet the family first. He is looking forward to asking JoJo's dad for her hand in marriage! I say this every season, but this idea that a man must ask a grown woman's father for her hand in marriage (and never her mother! NEVER that!) is so gross that I'm actually tasting bile, and yet these morons are routinely lauded by this horrid show for being "gentlemanly" for explicitly regarding their would-be brides as chattel. ALSO: no way in hell any of these peeps is actually getting married, ever, so why even go through the charade? And if you ARE going to go through the motions, would it kill you to include the woman's mother in the negotiations? GOD, show.

Anyway, Soraya, JoJo's mother, thinks Jordan seems "genuine!" Welp, there goes Soraya's credibility. After Jordan hands out gifts to the family (cheap hats), Soraya declares him "likable!" However, she does wonder if he is a "playboy." Jordan promises Soraya he will never break JoJo's heart, but Soraya tells JoJo she thinks JoJo and Jordan are too alike to make a good match. JoJo's father also seems skeptical, and Jordan ends the night without asking JoJo's father for her hand in marriage. So now they can never legally marry! Oh, no!

Robby Meets The Fam

Robby sits down with the family, and Soraya asks why he's attracted to JoJo. He says there are "so many things." Specific. JoJo, meanwhile, feels "cherished" and "adored" by Robby. This obviously means she won't pick him. Robby assures Soraya that JoJo will be his "biggest priority" in life, and Soraya tells him that JoJo "was raised as a princess," so he must treat her like a queen. Eye rolls to infinity. Before leaving, Robby asks JoJo's father for his blessing, and even allows JoJo's mother to be in the room while he does it! So progressive! JoJo's dad gives his blessing and tears up. Real question: did JoJo's father have electroshock therapy to forget his last horrible experience on this fart of a show? That is the only possible, non-medical explanation for those tears.

JoJo Checks In With Her Family

After the family has met both men, JoJo's family is all aboard the Robby train. They think he is "committed," whereas Jordan didn't even ask for permission to marry JoJo! JoJo is "shocked" to hear that Jordan didn't ask her father for her hand in marriage, and soon she's whining and crying. Her family seems to favor Robby, and JoJo clearly wants them to tell her to pick Jordan, despite his obvious, pulsating aura of douchitude. Well, all of this complaining and asking her family to make huge life decisions for her is a great sign that JoJo is ready for marriage.

Robby And JoJo's Last One-On-One

Robby and JoJo spend the day on the beach. When they discuss what's ahead for them, Robby shares a vision of their married life in which they "overcook the meatloaf" because they're so lost in white wine and conversation. Holy shit, what a sad fantasy. He also says he wants children in "nine months." Better start gestating now, JoJo. For her part, JoJo can envision her future with Robby, although she doesn't specify what it might look like. Well, if Robby has anything to say about it, it'll be full of meatloaf and unwanted pregnancies, so have fun with that, JoJo.

That evening, JoJo tells Robby he has a "heart of gold," which is code for "You are not the winner." Robby gives her a collection of photos remembering their (vast) time together. They peck each other a bunch of times and then JoJo walks Robby to the door. Bye, Robby.

Jordan And JoJo's Last One-On-One

As Jordan and JoJo head out on their date, JoJo still has fears about their relationship! And she's bothered by Jordan's failure to ask her father for his blessing. Jordan says that his time with her father was "awkward," and admits that he didn't ask her dad for for his blessing. JoJo says she's "disappointed and bummed out and upset" by this, and it makes her doubt that Jordan is ready for marriage. He replies that he is ready, but didn't ask because he's still not sure if JoJo will pick him over Robby. Ooh, table turn!

That evening, JoJo pays Jordan a visit in his suite. He claims he told JoJo's whole family he wants to marry her. But JoJo can't get over the fact that Jordan didn't explicitly ask her father for her hand in marriage. Needing a way out, Jordan backtracks from his earlier position and says he's okay "taking a leap of faith" and not knowing if he's JoJo's final pick. JoJo seems to buy his bullshit, and they move on from the mortal sin of his not asking her father's permission to marry her.

The Men Prepare To Propose

Robby meets with Neil Lane to peruse Lane's line of ugly rings before settling on one with many flanges. He then sits down to write JoJo a heartfelt note, which is never a good move.

Jordan, meanwhile, is calling up JoJo's parents to ask for their blessing. Shockingly, he asks BOTH of them for their permission to marry JoJo. They give him the go-ahead, so Jordan sits down to write his own dumb note to JoJo before meeting with Neil Lane himself.

JoJo, for her part, has had a "moment of clarity" and knows who she wants to marry! She thinks her feelings "probably won't change" at this point. Reassuring! She then reads the note from Jordan. She starts crying and says she doesn't "feel right." Then she reads Robby's note, which is written in all caps (WEIRD). JoJo notes that "this is the kind of love [she] want[s] to have," but adds that she feels like she's having a panic attack. BYE, ROBBY.

JoJo Dumps Robby

JoJo shows up at the elaborate, Thai rose plinth to await her fate/do some dumping. Robby gets out of his limo, blissfully unaware that he's about to be dumped, hard. He tells JoJo he's in love with her, and she looks pained. She lets him finish his embarrassing speech before telling him that he shouldn't propose to her. She says she "wanted it to be [him]," but that her "heart is somewhere else." She whines that she doesn't want this, and then clings to him while he tries to cry discreetly. Finally, he wishes her good luck and gets into his limo. After he leaves, JoJo says her "heart is broken!"

Jordan Proposes

Five seconds later, JoJo has pulled herself together for Jordan's big proposal! He gives JoJo a speech that he clearly did not write. In return, JoJo finally tells him she loves him. He gets down on one knee, presents the ring, and proposes. She says yes. THE END.

After The Final Rose

Robby quizzes JoJo about why she dumped him, and she doesn't really have an answer for him other than "You're not Jordan." Later, Chris Harrison asks who JoJo thinks should be the next Bachelor, and burgeoning fame-whore Chad stands up to offer himself up, which is met with scattered applause and mostly boos. Then Jordan is trotted out. Chris Harrison shows JoJo and Jordan some tabloid covers, and they admit that things have been "hard!" Jordan claims that the rumors in the press about him are all "unvalid." On that note, Chris Harrison brings up Jordan's rift with his brother, Aaron Rodgers. Jordan answers with a bunch of nothing about how he and JoJo are starting a "journey" with their families. Huh? JoJo admits that the Aaron situation hasn't changed, but pretends she doesn't care. Then, Ben and Lauren give some useless advice. Finally, we are treated to a preview of Bachelor In Paradise, and then we're freeeeee!

Verdict

It's always riveting/excruciating to watch someone get dumped on national TV, even if that person is asking for it. So go ahead and watch Robby get dumped. Whew! See you in paradise....

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