Donald Rager / ABC

The Bachelorette Goes (Foot)balls To The Wall!

JoJo narrows her field of suitors on the basis of football skills, ability to chop wood, and propensity for homicidal violence (looking at you, Chad)! Who will stay and who will go?

Chad's Speech

When we left off last night, Chris Harrison had just given Chad a semi-stern talking-to. Now Chad strides back into the Manse, greased up and shirtless, and gives the other men a speech about how he doesn't have issues with anyone in the house, he just doesn't want to be challenged or picked at. (Subtext: I hate all of you and want you all to die by my meaty paw.) Evan whinily demands that Chad provide him a new shirt and an apology. Chad says he'll give Evan twenty bucks, but he won't apologize because Evan tried to push him first. Evan denies pushing Chad, and Chad accuses Evan of lying. Since this conversation is obviously going nowhere good, Wells stands up and tells Chad that people "feel uneasy in the house." Chad insists that he hasn't gone out of his way to attack anyone and assures them he won't be long as people leave him alone. Reassuring!

Pool Party

JoJo's pool party gets off to a sexy start with Evan getting a spontaneous bloody nose. Hot. Chad, who has apparently been chastened ("Chadstened"?), eats a plateful of protein and minds his own beeswax, for once in his life. JoJo, impressed with Chad's ability to refrain from doing grievous bodily injury to other contestants for several minutes, comes over to chat with him. She says, with a smile, that she was mad at him on the group date when he tried to make her feel bad for giving Evan a rose. Chad explains himself thusly: "If you had any interest in Evan, then what am I doing here?" Oh, has no one explained the premise of this show to Chad?

Chad, correctly, has surmised that most of the other dudes are talking to JoJo about him. Derek, for instance, tells JoJo about the anti-Chad security guard who has been installed in the house, as Chad looms nearby. Frustrated, Chad squats in the woods and gnaws on a stick. He then comes back and asks to speak to Derek alone. Chad: "Whatever guy like me stole your girlfriend, or whatever, it wasn't me." Derek protests that he was just answering JoJo's question, which is true, but Chad's not buying it. Pretty sure that Derek's name is going to be scrawled in Chad's murder journal tonight.

Rose Ceremony

Because JoJo is the opposite of smart and/or the producers made her do it, she keeps Chad around to see another day. That means Christian, Ali, and Nick B. are going home. NOOOO, not Nick B.! Just kidding; no one even knows who that guy is. After the rose ceremony, JoJo tells the men they're going on a mystery trip and to pack their bags. Turns out, they're jetting off to exotic...Pennsylvania.

Luke's One-On-One Date

JoJo and Luke ride a wheeled cart pulled by a team of dogs, with a random stranger steering in the back. ROMANTIC. They are brought to a wood-fired hot tub, and Luke must chop wood to fire it up. JoJo is wondering if things with Luke are too good to be true! (Can she not see his hair?) As they soak in the hot tub, Luke says he grew up on a ranch and JoJo tells him he doesn't look rugged. Ouch? Luke says he wants to "get back to what [his] passion's about." He's really passionate about showing his nipples on television! He's following his dreams!

At dinner, we get to hear Luke's life story. He got recruited to play football at West Point, which he refers to as an Ivy League school (nope). After that, he joined the military and went to Afghanistan. Luke then drops a Sad Bomb about his friend from high school who was killed in action in Afghanistan. As Luke tearfully recounts his story, JoJo basically has no choice but to make out with him. She gives him a rose and he accepts. Then, in a surprise twist, JoJo brings Luke to a concert! No one saw that coming! And guess what, it's everyone's favorite band, Dan + Shay!*

* Never heard of 'em.

Group Date

JoJo and the men are welcomed onto a football field by noted stand-up guy Ben Roethlisberger! They will be having a football competition of some sort! Right off the bat, James Taylor gets a bloody head injury and refuses stitches because only wusses get medical care! Soon, the scrimmage gets underway, and surprisingly, actual former pro football player Jordan is better at this than everyone else. Evan, meanwhile, gets another nosebleed. Is there anything less sexy on a man than a SECOND nosebleed in twenty-four hours? Holy shit, Evan.

In the end, the losers of the football game are sent back to the resort, where they sit around in sweats and mope. The winners, though, get to enjoy a cocktail party with JoJo! Robby, for one, is developing feelings for her and wants to let her know! He's "falling in love with JoJo day by day"! Gross! Robby and JoJo exchange some some meaningless platitudes about "feelings" and then Robby leads her to a pool table to make out with her. JoJo says Robby "makes [her] feel sexy"! Ew!

Next, JoJo pulls Jordan aside and drapes herself over him. She tells him that he makes her "nervous" because she can't read him. Jordan tells JoJo that he "feel[s] like [he's] falling for [her]." How not exactly noncommittal of him. JoJo makes out with him, and then gives him the group date rose, which does not go over well with Robby, who really thought that awesome pool-table move would clinch it for him.

Chad And Alex Continue To Hate Each Other

Back at the house, Alex and Chad are getting into yet another pissing match. Chad accuses Alex of being "the spokesman for 'Chad's the asshole.'" I'd say Chad's actually the spokesman for "Chad's the asshole," but okay. When Chad finds out he's going on a two-on-one date with Alex, he freaks out and calls Alex a "whiny little bitch" and challenges him to a fight outside. Alex then calls Chad a bitch. Can we just agree that everyone involved is, in fact, a bitch? Grant pokes his head in to the fray to call Chad a "coward," and Chad asks him if HE wants to go outside. "Let's go," says Grant, but doesn't get up. Chad then storms out and all the other dudes sit on the couch and direct hate-rays at him.

Chad And Alex's Two-On-One Date

While Chad and Alex are glumly awaiting their two-on-one, Chad gets into a tiff with Jordan in which Chad threatens to hunt Jordan down at his house and beat him once the show has ended. Before Chad can threaten to murder Jordan's entire family, Chad and Alex are bundled into a helicopter to go on their shitty date. JoJo is bringing them to the great outdoors for some hiking. They make their way to a river and set up a picnic with no food where everyone is miserable. JoJo takes Alex aside first. He spills the beans about all of the crazy shit Chad has done, including threatening Jordan. After that, JoJo pulls Chad aside and says she's enjoying his "sensitive side." Huh? She then repeats everything that Alex said about Chad. He admits he threatened Jordan but claims it's because Jordan was "pushing" him. Chad doesn't get why JoJo is annoyed by this. (Chad: "I haven't touched anyone." JoJo: "Yeah, but you've threatened to beat people.") JoJo tells Chad she needs to think and goes off by herself to cry. She knows Chad is a terrible asshole, but at the same time, his mom died! So, you know!

While JoJo is crying by herself in the woods, Chad rejoins Alex on the picnic blanket. "I'm not very happy with you," says Chad, then adds, in a soft, creepy voice: "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed." After a few seconds of pretending not to be mad, Chad says he wishes he could hurt Alex right now, which, in turn, makes Alex mad. Chad encourages Alex to have a glass of milk and chill out. (Alex: "I don't like milk." Chad: "You should; milk is delicious." YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP.)

JoJo finally reemerges and plops herself in between the two men. She asks Chad, again, whether he has threatened anyone in the house. Chad admits he has. JoJo picks up the rose and tells Chad, in so many words, that she doesn't want to be with a violent douchebag. Then she gives the rose to Alex, who gladly accepts. Chad did not see this coming! "Am I getting pranked right now?" he wonders aloud. Meanwhile, back at the hotel, when the other guys find out Chad is leaving, they literally pop champagne to celebrate. However, the celebrations are interrupted when Chad stalks through the woods and shows up at the men's suite, looking like a serial killer.



But sparingly. As usual, Chad's scenes are worth watching for their sheer weirdness. The rest of this ep is kind of a snore. At least Chad will be back to cause more mayhem in the next episode, despite being eliminated. You can't keep Chad down (except possibly with a tranquilizer gun).

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