The Bachelorette Goes Sand-Bo(a)r(d)ing In Uruguay!
JoJo and her men head to Uruguay, where they experience zero aspects of Uruguayan culture!
Chad Returns! (And Then Leaves Again)
The men are celebrating Chad's ouster with guitars, drinks, and a fake funeral, wherein they scatter his leftover protein powder to the four winds. Meanwhile, Chad is ominously whistling his way up the hill to rejoin the party. When Chad knocks on the door of the men's lodge, everyone is weirded out, and things quickly turn sour, as they inevitably must when Chad is involved. Jordan asks Chad to apologize for his past behavior, but Chad replies that when he gets "attacked," he has no choice but to "get physical." From there, the argument gets pretty confusing, with people sniping about whether Chad worked out by himself in the hot tub (??), but eventually ends with Jordan advising everyone to stop feeding the Chad troll. As the men scatter, Chad takes his leave, whistling creepily all the way back to the limo that is no doubt waiting to transport him back to Chadlandia. GOODBYE CHAD, YOU SCARY WEIRDO. I will genuinely miss your unabashed meat-eating and threatening forehead veins!
Meanwhile, Alex, who defeated Chad in the two-on-one date simply by being Not Chad, returns to a hero's welcome at the house. The men have obtained celebratory cupcakes, sparklers, and party hats to celebrate Not Chad's triumphant return! Huzzah! Long live Not Chad!
Pretty boring cocktail party: a little making out, a little playing with giant plastic balls, a whole lot of boring male anxiety. James F., taking an unfortunate page out of Chris Siegfried's syntactically garbled book, reads JoJo a poem that he composed, which includes such memorable lines as: "Her heart is like a treasure" and "The beauty that is she." However, before JoJo can have sex with him in thanks, Alex interrupts, ruining everything!
Daniel and James F. are going home, despite Daniel's unrelenting Canadianness and James F.'s AWESOME POEM. While leaving, Daniel says to the rest of the guys, "Hey, take care, eh?," and I am momentarily sad he's heading back to America's Hat (sorry not sorry, Canada). But then, in a weird rant conducted entirely in a monotone (which is the highest decibel on the Canadian rage meter), Daniel snipes that his personality must be shit, because JoJo is obviously not picking her suitors based on looks, since Daniel's looks are so far above everyone else's. He concludes with a weird metaphor about the odds of lightning striking him while he's shaving. Huh. Daniel, please do yourself (and Canada) a favor and only speak in charming, Canadian aphorisms for the rest of your life. Thanksssss.
Jordan's One-On-One Date
The gang is now in Punta del Este, Uruguay, and Jordan nabs the first one-on-one date! When the date card is read, Jordan gives himself a round of applause, which no one else joins. The other men don't trust Jordan as far as they can throw him! Their suspicions seem to revolve around the fact that he's a former pro quarterback, which, let's be fair, IS an inherently sketchy profession.
On their date, Jordan tells JoJo that he's "falling in love with" her! But JoJo has talked to one of his exes, who told JoJo that Jordan was a bad boyfriend. JoJo brings up Jordan's ex at dinner. Jordan's mouth twitches and his pompadour noticeably deflates. He puts on an angry smile, swigs his drink, and says he doesn't know what to say. Awk. JoJo asks why he claims he's ready for marriage now when he wasn't before. His answer: "Sports." Yes, he was a shitty boyfriend before, but it was all sports' fault! JoJo presses him about what went wrong with his ex, and Jordan says he didn't "physically cheat," but he did flirt with ladies. Then, for good measure, he drops a reference to his "pastor," and adds: "I know the type of man I am now, and I'm not a cheater." (Translation: "I was and continue to be a cheater.") Jordan says that he's "confident and comfortable" with where he is in life, and he wants to spend his life with somebody, although he doesn't say that somebody is JoJo. Despite Jordan saying literally nothing reassuring, JoJo is reassured!
After dinner, they go to a plaza with music and Carnaval dancing and Jordan asks if it's a mariachi band. Here are some handy questions to help determine if the musical event you are witnessing is, in fact, a mariachi band: Are you in Mexico or a Mexico-adjacent country? Do you see any lavishly embellished sombreros? Is anyone singing "Cielito Lindo"? No? THEN IT'S NOT A MARIACHI BAND, YOU DIPSHIT.
Back at the house, Vinny's doing people's hair and everyone's passing around gossip mags, which is what I imagine all men do when left to their own devices. Anyway, one of the tabloids includes an article in which JoJo's ex claims that JoJo is still in love with him. Meanwhile, as JoJo is gushing about how well her date with Jordan went, one of the producers hands her the tabloid and says she needs to address it because the guys have seen it. JoJo freaks out and starts crying. She then tearfully addresses the men, all of whom support her. Anticlimactic.
Sand-boarding Group Date
JoJo takes the men sand-boarding, but it starts raining so they escape to their cocktail party. The men trip all over themselves to tell JoJo how much they don't care about the article about her ex. Alex, who's shaping up to be a real douche-nozzle, sidles up to JoJo and tells her that their "relationship" is "scary" and he "wouldn't change it for the world." This "relationship," he says, is "as real as it's ever been in [his] life!" This is the realest relationship you've ever had, dude? Did you only date Japanese body pillows before this, or...? Despite Alex's proclamations of realness, in the end, JoJo gives the rose to Derek because, she explains, she wants to reassure him. Alex concludes that Derek is, therefore, an "insecure little bitch."
Robby's One-On-One Date
JoJo wants to show Robby "what South America is all about," because she's the expert! She notes that the streets in Uruguay are so "full of culture"! Specific! She takes Robby to a seaside promenade and they try on hats together! So much culture! Robby knows he loves JoJo and he wants to tell her the news! But first, they have to jump off a cliff into the ocean! As they peer over the rocky precipice into the water below, JoJo is comforted by the fact that he's with Robby, who's "an Olympic swimmer" (nope)! As an "Olympic swimmer," Robby can definitely stop those jagged rocks from piercing JoJo's spinal column. Here's a surprise: Robby thinks jumping off the cliff represents "the next step in this relationship"! Finally, they jump off the cliff and don't die. Hooray, I guess.
At dinner, Robby decides to tell JoJo some Sad Stuff, because a first date is always the appropriate time to unload all of one's heaviest personal baggage. He says his best friend was texting his girlfriend when he drove off a bridge and died. After the death of his friend, Robby dumped his own girlfriend, moved, quit his job, and came on The Bachelorette. His dead friend is definitely smiling down on all of Robby's awesome life choices! After his Sad Story, Robby tells JoJo that he's "fallen in love with [her]." She responds: "Thank you so much." OUCH. They share a few pecks, and JoJo gives him a rose. Robby concludes that she's "on the path to loving [him] back." Sure.
Derek is bugged by the "mean girls" in the house, so he confronts Robby, Jordan, Chase, and Alex and tells them they're coming off as a "high-school clique." Jordan shuts it down, telling Derek it's "petty and a non-issue." Chris Harrison then emerges to tell the men that there will be no cocktail party, and that THREE men will be going home tonight. Dun dun DUNNNNN!
Evan, Vinny, and Grant are sent home, and they all take it REALLY HARD. (Evan: "It felt like daggers through my heart.") All three of these grown men cry ACTUAL TEARS after being sent home mid-season from The Bachelorette. EVEN VINNY THE BARBER IS CRYING OVER THIS SHIT.
While I enjoyed JoJo's grilling of slimy eel Jordan, there was not enough good stuff in this episode to make it worth your viewing while. Skip it.