The Bachelorette Gets Messi In Argentina!
JoJo takes the dudes to Argentina for awkward three-way tango, awkward soccer, and awkward performance art! It's awkward!
Bienvenidos a Buenos Aires!
JoJo Perón has arrived in Buenos Aires, where there is "a lot of action and people and culture!" The streets here are almost as "full of culture" as those of Uruguay, where JoJo drank cocktails and tried on hats! Robby, fellow wordsmith, notes that Buenos Aires is "kind of like a city of love"! Kind of!
Upon arriving in Buenos Aires, the men are made to line up outside the Casa Rosada. My fingers are crossed for a good ol' fashioned firing squad, but instead, Chris Harrison announces that there will be another two-on-one date this week. Darn!
Wells's One-On-One Date
Wells gets the one-on-one date, and the date card reads: "Besame, muchacho." He admits to the other men that, unlike the rest of them, he hasn't yet kissed JoJo. Now everyone feels even more sorry for him than they did after he almost died on the firefighting date. Wells's one-on-one mostly consists of Wells continuing not to kiss JoJo. To be fair, this particular date does not make it easy for him: they attend a performance art show called Fuerza Bruta and are then forced to do wacky performance art stuff, such as getting fake-shot while running on a treadmill. Romantic? Finally, while writhing around in a suspended pool with JoJo, Wells goes for it and kisses JoJo. Glory, glory hallelujah.
At dinner, Wells says he came onto this show "super-skeptical," but now, after spending a couple of hours enduring performance art with a near-stranger, his doubts have melted away! The discussion then turns to what Wells is looking for in a partner. He says he wants someone honest and reliable, since the sparks of a new relationship will eventually go away. That's...weirdly sensible. JoJo, though, thinks that those initial sex sparks should NEVER fade, even many years into a monogamous relationship! Realistic! When Wells doesn't enthusiastically agree with her (dumb, patently untrue) view on relationships, JoJo picks up the rose and cuts him loose.
La Boca Group Date
JoJo takes the men around the La Boca barrio, where they drink mate, participate in a tango demonstration, and play soccer. This gives Jordan an opportunity to unnecessarily pull up his shirt to air his abs!
At the cocktail party, James Taylor is fretting because JoJo seems to have a stronger connection with some of the other men, including Douchey Jordan and Creepy Luke. After JoJo detaches her lips from an extended stay on Luke's tonsils, James Taylor pulls her aside. He then uses his alone time to tattle on Jordan for bossing him around during a poker game and generally acting like an entitled "celebrity." Concerned, JoJo takes Jordan aside and tells him, while clutching both of his hands, that she heard he acted "entitled and snobby" toward James. Jordan insists that he's not entitled, and adds that he doesn't like having his "integrity" questioned. Jordan rejoins the men and aggressively swirls his wine while staring icily into the distance. James asks him why he's acting weird, and Jordan confronts him about tattling to JoJo. The conversation goes nowhere and ends with James and Jordan staring straight ahead while sitting VERY close to one another on the couch. Good talk. When it's finally rose-dolin' time, JoJo chooses Luke, and Jordan is mad!
Derek And Chase's Two-On-One Date
To make sure this date is as excruciating as possible, the show has arranged for JoJo, Derek, and Chase to learn a choreographed tango in which JoJo is "torn between two men." But for real, she can't choose which one she likes better! Dumb question, but why wouldn't she just immediately pick Derek, always? She has eyes, right? Yes, sure, he's dull as a box of hair, but so are all of these dim-bulbs! At least pick the hot one! Come on, JoJo. THINK IT THROUGH.
After the world's most uncomfortable three-way tango, they head to an even more uncomfortable three-way dinner. JoJo talks to Derek alone first. He tells her that she's "the most amazing woman that [he's] ever met" and that he's "falling for" her! "I appreciate that," says JoJo, which might be an even lamer response to a profession of (almost) love than "Thanks." When it's Chase's turn, JoJo says she doesn't feel like he's reciprocating her feelings. Chase is, "like, shocked" by this. JoJo explains that she needs more "validation," and then they make out. And in the end, she gives Chase the rose and sends Derek packing. Guys, serious question: IS SHE BLIND.
After being rejected, Derek expresses some deep thoughts in his pensive limo, including: "I'm Derek. And Derek is imperfect." He then sheds some embarrassing tears, but luckily for him, he's a pretty crier. Meanwhile, JoJo and Chase are slow dancing to a live rendition of -- wait for it -- "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina." Because they're in Argentina. GET IT??
Jordan tries to convince JoJo he's into her, saying that he wants to be "engaged and in love" by the end of this. He also says, in a monotone, that he wants to "do life" with her. JoJo eats this nonsense up and praises Jordan for talking about his "feelings." Ugh, JoJo. Your judgment is demonstrably not the best, but buying Jordan's bullshit is bad, even for YOU. Get it togetherrrrr.
Right before giving out the final rose, JoJo goes outside for a breather, leaving James and Alex, the two guys on the chopping block, to dramatically shake their heads and grind their teeth. JoJo tells Chris Harrison that she doesn't want to give out the final rose, suggesting that she's going to let both James and Alex go. But then, in a lame Bachelorette fake-out, she doesn't send both of them home: she sends NEITHER of them home. Eye rolllzzzz. James is overjoyed, but Alex feels he was given a pity rose, and he's not happy about it. SHUT UP, ALEX, YOU TURD. You're lucky you've made it this far. BE GRATEFUL.
This was realllll boring stuff. Even the "fight" between James and Jordan was like watching paint dry. Hard skip.