The Bachelorette Almost Engages In Sexual Inter-Horse!
JoJo and the men bond with a lovely horse, drink grape-foot juice, and pig out on fries.
Ride To The Countryside
The gang is headed to the Argentine countryside. Since he was chosen for this week's first one-on-one date, Alex gets to drive with JoJo, while the other men have to travel on a novelty bus. As JoJo and Alex motor along, she notes in a talking head that she's very "comfortable" with Alex, but is "having a hard time connecting with him romantically." Alex, though, has not yet received the inter-office memo that JoJo thinks he's gross, so he is trying his darndest to woo her! Case in point: while doing a sexy Pringles duck bill trick, Alex tries to kiss her and JoJo artfully dodges him. Word to the wise, Alex: if a lady doesn't want to kiss you with Pringles on your lips, she ain't NEVER gonna want to kiss you.
Meanwhile, on the bus, the rest of the guys are engaging in a little group beatboxing sesh (in which they all magically know all the words to their spontaneous "rap"), and I hate all of them so much. Coincidentally, at the exact same time, Alex is bragging to JoJo that he can "freestyle!" Fact: he most definitely cannot. Alex's "freestyle" rap of JoJo's name goes thusly: "Yo, yo, JoJo, got to go to the liquor sto'." JoJo doesn't even try to hide how terrible she thinks everything about this is, and I kind of love her for it.
Alex's One-On-One Gaucho Date
Alex and JoJo are going to a ranch to hang out with horses and gauchos! Alex gets decked out in a traditional get-up, and JoJo refers to him as a "cute little gaucho." Oof. They get on horses, and Alex, apparently undaunted by JoJo's obvious contempt for him, tries (and mostly fails) to hold her hand. He then tells her that she "look[s] like something out a Ralph Lauren model magazine." Yeah, that's a thing. They end the afternoon by watching a gaucho "bond" with his horse by crawling all over it and giving it a horsey massage, and I'm sure it's very spiritual and deep and special, but from where I'm sitting, it looks like the dude and the horse are rounding third base and maybe we should give them some privacy. JoJo, apparently unaware of how the words coming out of her mouth sound, puts it this way: "I'm watching him stroke this animal, and I'm watching him connect with him, and slowly, the horse starts to give in to him, and it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." ...'Kay. As if THAT weren't enough, JoJo and Alex also get down on the ground and cuddle with the horse! Alex says he's "in a sense of enlightenment right now" and is "feel[ing] the way love is supposed to feel." Whoa, Wilbur.
Despite his very special equine moment, Alex is "falling in love with [JoJo]," and this date is "one of the happiest moments of [his] life!" At dinner, he tells JoJo that he's "falling in love with [her]," and she looks horrified. "I never expected to hear Alex tell me he's falling in love with me," says JoJo, who has never seen this show before, I guess? After letting Alex wax on about his Big Feelings, JoJo tells him, with little fanfare, that she doesn't reciprocate his feelings and won't ever get there. Then she sends him home. Bye, Alex, you tiny douchebag.
Jordan's One-On-One Date
For his second one-on-one date of the season, Jordan is going wine-tasting with JoJo in Mendoza. They stomp grapes with their bare feet, then scoop the grape-foot juice into glasses and drink it. Literal gag. Later, they drink wine (I think) in a hot tub and make out. At dinner, they have little to say to each other. Jordan recaps their day ("First we squashed grapes. Now we are here"), and then they talk about how much they like each other. SUCH A DEEP BOND THEY SHARE. Jordan admits that he and famous brother Aaron don't have a relationship because Jordan has chosen to stay close to his family, whereas Aaron is a dick. After this shocking revelation, Jordan tells JoJo that he's "so in love with [her]," maybe to take away the sting of the fact that she won't get to meet Aaron Rodgers any time soon?
In what is either the best or worst group date ever, depending on one's perspective/fondness for chicken fingers, JoJo brings Robby, Chase, and James Taylor into her hotel suite and they sit around eating room service. Soon, JoJo is shoving fries into James's mouth, and James almost throws up. Romantic! Next, they play truth or dare. JoJo dares Robby to strip down to skivvies and run through the hotel halls, which is, officially, the Most Basic Dare in Human History. Finally, they all pile on the bed and watch a foreign version of The Bachelor while the other dudes rag on Robby for checking out women who are not JoJo.
Later, JoJo spends individual time with each of the three men. Robby talks about his ex-girlfriend, with whom he broke up a mere four months earlier. BUT HE'S TOTALLY OVER IT. James, meanwhile, is feeling insecure, so JoJo reassures him that he has the qualities she's looking for in a husband, and they have an "emotional" connection. This is code for: "I AM NOT EVEN SLIGHTLY ATTRACTED TO YOU." James tells JoJo that he is "very much in the process of falling for [her]." Great!
Finally, JoJo gives Robby a rose, which means he is getting a hometown date. You can thank your abs for that, Robby. You'd be nowhere without them.
Luke's One-On-One Date
This date is so monumentally unremarkable I'm not convinced it even actually happened. I am struggling to record even a single detail of its existence. They maybe rode horses? I don't know. Does it matter?
No cocktail party this week, so we're going straight to the rose ceremony. James Taylor: "My whole life is riding on tonight." Welp, turns out James's life is now over, because he's being sent home. Before bundling him into his pensive limo, JoJo tells him that he "touched [her] heart." Ew.
Hard skip. This season started with such great promise -- miss you, Chad -- but it has really hit the doldrums lately. BRING BACK CHAD.