So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye

The Bachelorette storms Germany. Sprachen Sie fast-forward?

Arrival In Munich

This week the guys and Des are in Munich, or, as one man helpfully puts it, "Munich, Germany." Upon arrival, there is much woo-hoo-ing and yelling of Desiree's name, followed by ooh-ing and aah-ing over the sauna, and I think we all know what the guys are actually looking forward to here. We find out that Chris gets the first date. He is, in his own words, "really jacked" about this. Pretty sure Chris doesn't know what that word means.

Chris's One-On-One Date

Des and Chris spend the day walking around Munich. Des says that she and Chris will look like "silly tourists" with their phrase book...but they'll totally blend in with their camera and sound crew. Des asks people in truly horrendous German where things are, apparently not realizing that literally everyone in Munich speaks much better English than she does. Next, Chris and Des try on dirndls and lederhosen, because that's just what you do in Germany. Then they "spontaneously" dance-slash-stomp around to an oompah band and it's so awk I have to stuff three Werther's Originals in my mouth to soothe myself.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Bryden is bellyaching about how "stagnant' his relationship with Des has become. Proving that he is, in fact, a bit of a drama queen ["Wait, this was his idea?" -- ed.], Bryden announces he is leaving the show and he needs to tell Des this RIGHT NOW, while she's on her date with Chris. Bryden then stalks around Munich trying to find Desiree. He eventually finds her and Chris do-si-do-ing in the middle of a public square while embarrassed Munich residents avert their eyes, and thank you, Bryden, for putting a stop to that, at least. Bryden tells Des that he's going home and she seems sort of bummed but pretty okay with it. She resumes her date with Chris and they talk about Bryden while drinking giant beers.

Later, they eat dinner in a palace, which makes Desiree feel like -- wait for it -- a princess. At dinner, Des talks about her "ex," who was "unexpressive," and -- hold up -- is she talking about Sean right now? I am so embarrassed for her, I have to eat another Werther's Original. Things get even worse, somehow, when Chris reads Des a poem he wrote for her on the plane ride to Germany. Relevant quotes: "You reach for red, a chance you'll take...", and "Thoughts of past relationships, old to me." Apparently Yoda doesn't just train Jedis, he also runs a pretty successful poetry workshop. Des, who might want to get her ears checked, actually mists up upon hearing Chris's inscrutable, oddly cadenced poem and gives him a rose. After dinner, they're serenaded by Matt White. You know, THE Matt White. They sway back and forth and do this awful thing where they kiss their fingers and then touch each other's noses, and what is that, why are they doing it, and how can we make them stop?

Group Date In The Alps

The men tromp out to meet Desiree for a date on the highest peak in Germany. They take a funicular up the slope and Drew notes that "Des has never seen anything like this before" and he loves seeing the wonder on her face. Ugh, condescending much, Drew? They meet a real German yodeler and all giggle at him, because yodeling is weird. Desiree concludes that the men are "embracing the culture that they are in." They do say the fastest way to acclimatize to a new culture is to make fun of a local. Despite its many activities (sledding down a hill, a "spontaneous" snowball fight, a trip to an ice hotel), nothing much of interest happens on this date. Highlights: Brooks makes out with Des, Mikey uses the word "unbelievable" many times, several of the men cuddle together under a sheepskin blanket, Zak tells Des he was going to be a priest but then had a change of heart while traveling through Europe (you do the math on that one), and the men, led by Drew, decide that James is a "player," "vulgar," and, it should go without saying, here for the wrong reasons. In the end, Des gives the rose to Brooks because he brings out the best in her, "expecially" when she's having a bad day. James is baffled by this -- Brooks is funny and easy-going and all, but James "take[s] [himself] as a more serious kind of guy," so what gives, Desiree?

Michael And Ben's Awkward Two-On-One Date

The two-on-one dates are always delightfully excruciating, and this season's is no exception. Michael and Ben are the two unlucky losers who have to go on the dreaded two-on-one, and they are not happy about it. Ben's strategy is to be a "good Christian man" by treating Michael as "an awkward observer" on Ben's romantic date with Desiree. Sounds reasonably Christian. Michael, meanwhile, seems to think he was chosen for this date as a kind of secret imploration from Des to expose Ben as a fraud by using "trial tactics." So, we'll see how this plays out. My prediction: not well.

The two men meet up with Desiree and she tells them they're doing a "polar bear plunge" into some freezing lake water. But actually, they're going to be sitting in a floating hot tub, which would probably be fun if two out of the three people on the date didn't hate each other. Michael repeatedly tries to catch Ben out by asking about Ben's baby momma. When Ben deflects these questions, Michael ups the ante by comparing his own deadbeat dad to Ben. Then, at dinner, Michael continues to grill Ben until Des interrupts the interrogation and lamely tries to change the subject to family traditions. Ben says an important family tradition would be attending church with his family every Sunday, and Michael rushes to point out that Ben didn't go to church on Easter Sunday. Oh, snap! Ben claims this is because it was a Catholic mass and in German. Michael retorts that Ben also didn't talk to his son on Easter. And if this were a '90s sitcom, the live studio audience would have just gone "OooOOOohhhhHHhhhh."

A flustered Ben excuses himself from the table so he can pace back and forth and mutter angrily under his breath. Desiree seems annoyed with Michael for trying to get under Ben's skin. Michael finally realizes that he may have dug his own rose-strewn grave by interrogating Ben so aggressively. Desiree gets up to check on Ben and he does this weird almost-crying-but-not-quite voice and eventually allows himself to be convinced to come back in to dinner. At the end of the night, Des gives the rose to Michael. Ben refuses Des's offer to let her walk him out. Des follows him anyway, to explain her thinking, and he says, "I don't think you necessarily made the right decision, but I respect it." Which is sort of a contradiction in terms, but okay.

The other thing that happens in this segment is that while Ben, Michael and Des struggle through their date, the other men discuss how James is here for the wrong reasons, because they overheard a conversation in which James stated to Mikey that he wants to "run Chicago" and date tall women, or something. It's confusing, but James's post-Bachelorette plans seem to involve boats and "intimate settings," so...burn him at the stake!

Chris Harrison Interviews Des

Chris Harrison spends much of the interview trying to get Des to say who the best kisser is among the men. Even Chris Harrison looks like he hates himself while he asks her this. Des coyly rebuffs Chris Harrison's questions and tells him she wants to forego the cocktail party tonight. The guys' plan to share their intel on James is thus scrapped.

Rose Ceremony

Des starts off by apologizing for canceling the cocktail party and telling the guys how much she appreciates them, and Drew looks like he is undergoing a secret colonoscopy. He wants to tell her SO BADLY about James! Alas, he cannot, and it's just killing him. The final rose choice comes down to James versus Mikey, and James gets the rose. This means poor old Mikey's going home. He handles it pretty well. He'll always have his dimples, so he's gonna be okay. Drew, meanwhile, is very upset that James is staying. He describes James as a "cancer" who has put a spell over Des. So, sort of a magical cancer?

Verdict

The only thing worth watching here is the two-on-one date, because it's so uncomfortable, you're really just doing yourself a disservice if you skip it. Fast-forward through the rest.

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