Here For The Worst Reasons

This week, The Bachelorette is an hour and twenty-four minutes long, excluding commercials, but who's counting every excruciating second? There's plenty to skip and not much to watch, so read on to find out which precious few minutes are worth your time.

Chris Harrison Explains "How All This Works"

Chris Harrison finds it necessary to explain the concept of the show to the men and to use the word "fellas" more times than I'm strictly comfortable with. Which is around five times, turns out. The "fellas" find out that Brooks gets the first date, and envy burns through the room like wildfire.

Brooks's Date

Desiree plans every man's dream date: taking said man to a bridal salon, dressing him in a variety of tuxes, and forcing him to watch his date trying on wedding dresses. Brooks and Des take it to another level of weird and proceed to LEAVE THE PREMISES of the bridal shop and drive around L.A. in wedding attire, and the institution of marriage has been officially cheapened. They drive to the Hollywood sign, which Brooks describes as an "amazing, grand thing,” and sit on a couch on top of it. Finally, after much ado, Brooks and Des make out and Brooks says this might be the beginning of something "grand." Despite myself, I like him better and better for using the word "grand" so often and inappropriately.

Later, Brooks and Des get "lost" in a "shady" area of L.A. (i.e., a soundstage on the Disney lot). Brooks is NERVOUS about this. Then they eat dinner on a bridge, which is about as romantic as it sounds. As they sip wine out of goblets, there is lots of jibber-jabber about Des's parents' perfect marriage, and limited jibber-jabber about Brooks's parents' non-existent marriage. At the end, Des gives Brooks a rose and thanks him for being "vulnerable." (The first "vulnerable" of the season has been dropped! Bombs away!) After dinner, Des and Brooks are serenaded by everyone's favorite and well-known current pop musician, Andy Grammer.

Group Date With Soulja Boy

For the fourteen-on-one group date, Soulja Boy takes a break from his demanding schedule of Superman-ing hoes to lead Desiree and her parade of horribles through making a rap video. I wrestled with whether to label this one Watch or Skip, but I think the sheer vileness of it must be seen to be believed. Soulja Boy comes out wearing giant shorts, giant shoes, and a giant bead necklace, and asks the men to start freestylin', which...is the worst. I can't even think of how else to explain it. I'm talking even worse than that time on Ashley's season when the guys roasted her and made fun of her small boobs.

Soulja Boy and another guy try to teach the men how to dance, and Will, the token black guy, tells us that dancing is his kryptonite. Oh, Will. I just don't know how to help you. The men put on wacky outfits and it turns out they are each representing past colorful Bachelor characters. Then they are forced, once again, to rap. The men universally suck at rapping, we quickly learn, but some are worse than others. One unfortunate soul, Brandon, is asked to rap while wearing no pants. He gets the no-pants thing down, but the rapping comes harder. Fun thing I noticed: Michael looks sorta like Scott Foley, if you squint at the screen. Which makes me wish Scott Foley could be the next Bachelor, because I just really want him to be happy.

Post-Soulja-Boy Cocktail Party

The main thing you need to know about this segment is that the dudes are starting to speculate that Ben may not be here for the right reasons. When he is alone with Des, Ben immediately brings up his son/bargaining chip, and Des is so charmed! Then Ben kisses her. This gives Brandon a case of the sads because he doesn't want Des to end up with someone who's here for the wrong reasons. Which is funny, coming from Brandon, considering that Brandon was once charged with making a bomb threat to a GM plant, so, glass houses and so forth. Meanwhile, Mikey decides to tell Ben he thinks Ben's a big phony, and this ends up with them bonding over how their shoes both have green accents. So that didn't really go that well. In the end, Des gives Ben the rose, because of course she did.

Other things that happen: Michael brings up respect for women, in a general sense, and uses the phrase "not on my watch," thereby establishing himself as a universal feminist crusader; Brandon lists his credentials as being born and having parents, so...good job; Zak-with-one-K-no-C-or-H gives Des an antique journal that has an inscription from a father to a daughter, which strikes me as an odd thing for Zak to be giving Des, unless he is, in fact, her father, Darth Vader-style, but let's put a pin in that for now; and Brandon (who is wearing a tweed jacket for some reason?) establishes himself as the whiny baby of the season who's easily offended by gentle ribbing from the other men. He also compares love to a butterfly. "I'm not gonna be the guy to squish [the butterfly that represents love]," quoth he.

Bryden's Date

From the Bachelor Manse, Des and Bryden -- who we like, remember? -- take a road trip along the coast. The date involves trying and failing to fly a kite, Desiree standing on a rock and yelling, "I'm the queen of the world!", eating fish tacos (not a euphemism), throwing oranges into a basket (not a euphemism), "spontaneously" running while holding hands, and eating dinner at a fancy hotel. At dinner, Bryden reveals he got in a bad car accident in college. He got 100 staples in his head, so maybe that explains his hair. Bryden just happens to have photos of the accident and of himself in the hospital. How convenient. After dinner, the first hot-tub dip of the season happens, and it's exactly what you'd expect. Awkward, nervous conversation (mostly, Bryden repeating how "awesome" everything is), followed by overly mouthy kissing.

Final Cocktail Party

The main dramz at the cocktail party happens when Michael reveals he has Type 1 diabetes, and just as he's getting deep about his blood sugar, Ben walks right in, bold as you please, and "steals" Des. And Des just goes with him, which is kind of a dick move on her part, right? Because he already has a rose? The men are not happy with Ben, though, because he's a sneak and a snake and we HATE him. Michael takes Ben aside for a fireside chat about how he's a turd, and Ben plays all innocent. It ends with Michael angrily saying, "It is what it is," and storming off. Them be fightin' words! Then, bitchily, behind the scenes, Michael points out how the guys haven't heard much about Ben's son, but a whole lot about Ben's small business, which is a bar, just like Bachelor Brad Womack, which is damning in and of itself. Two words: wrong reasons.

Rose Ceremony

Will, Robert, and Nick M. are going home. Robert describes his departure as a "nightmare." Nick M. says he's experiencing "heartbreak." So, at least no one's overreacting.

Verdict

Bag all this nonsense except the excruciating rap date and the cat-fighty cocktail party.

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