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Bienvenidos A Barcelona, Idiotas!

Zak has too many abs, James is not a giant peach, and Drew is a dweeb. Should you watch this week's Bachelorette?

This week, the gang visits Barcelona, tapas are consumed, and pretty much everyone cries. Let us tell you what to watch and what to skip.

Arrival In Barcelona

As a reminder, the guys all hate James now because he's here for the wrong reasons. He's hoping to become the next Bachelor and then go sailing in Chicago with tall women. And it's just so gross that a competitor on a reality dating show would even consider trying to parlay that exposure into a stint on another reality dating show, you know? Talk about CYNICAL, James. Chris Harrison pops up in a plaza to tell the men about their "very exciting week of dates," which sounds a lot like every other week of dates, except this week there will be no cocktail party before the rose ceremony. Chris Harrison then hands out the first date card, and it goes to Drew, and Drew is psyched.

Drew's One-On-One Tapas Date

Des and Drew meet up in Barcelona and Drew seems shocked that he and Des get to "explore" the city. "Really?" he says, disbelievingly. He was led to believe their date would involve protesting Spanish government austerity measures. They go to a cafe and order "dos hot chocolates," and Des gets to use her Spanish (which, for the record, is the word "si" and whatever gobbledygook she says to Juan Pablo whenever she gives him a rose).

Then, over tapas, Drew tearfully talks about how his dad is his hero, since he is a recovering alcoholic, and now has cancer. Drew adds that he doesn't think many people know his dad has cancer. Welp, they do now, genius. To lighten the mood, Des and Drew awkwardly bob to some street music. Drew over-pronounces the word "guitaristas," and the world cringes. Des then comments that Barcelona brings out her "emotional, artistic side." I bet she'll be sketching SO MANY princess dresses tonight. That night, at dinner, Drew takes Des to a "secluded" spot to make out with her. It's so secluded that only a few cameras can fit into the shot. Des then pulls a rose out from somewhere and presents it to Drew. Rose secured, Drew decides to tell Des the tough truth about James, which is that he is trying to get into the top four and become the next Bachelor. GASP!!!!

Soccer Group Date

Des is wearing a neon yellow hoodie that hurts my eyes. Brooks calls her ensemble "workout lingerie," which leads me to believe Brooks does not know what lingerie is. Michael is wearing another headband. He must think they make him look cute. It's kinda like when I only wore Chuck Taylors for, like, seven years. Someone -- possibly my mom -- needs to gently tell Michael that he doesn't ALWAYS have to wear the headband.

The date takes place in a soccer stadium and Juan Pablo quickly sets to showing off. Desiree tells the guys they will be having a match and brings out her team, which are some pretty tough-looking Spanish ladies. Turns out they're professional soccer players and they look sort of confused as to why they're playing against a bunch of doofuses, at least one of whom is wearing an unnecessary headband. The game begins and hey, isn't it kind of unfair that Juan Pablo, a professional male soccer player, is on anyone's team? In the end, it doesn't matter, because James, playing goalie, effs everything up for the guys and lets in a bunch of goals, so the ladies win.

Post-Group-Date Cocktail Party

Des brings Chris to her room and drunkenly compliments him. They proceed to whisper loudly at each other a lot, which is almost as bad as when they kissed their fingers and touched each other's noses, last week. I don't know where these two are getting their seduction techniques but I think it might be the same place where they learned the golden rule of poetry, which is that it MUST be in the passive voice. Second golden rule of poetry: syntax, rhyming structure, and content do not matter, as long as the end of each line rhymes. This week, Des reads Chris one of her poems. Relevant excerpts: "Instant attraction was found." "Timing never late." "The rose to one day grant us our fate." I'm sorry, "grant us our fate"? Is it a rose or the sorting hat from Harry Potter?

Meanwhile, Kasey decides to confront James about his two-facedness. A drunken back-and-forth ensues. James uses the word "hearsay." Kasey uses the word "counter-accusate." Then James yells he didn't come here to make friends, so everyone just take a seat. James's whole argument about being there for the right reasons would be a lot more convincing if he weren't drunk and didn't say things like, "You know who tells all? These cameras." James concludes by telling everyone to go eff themselves. Desiree, who was not privy to the yelling match, decides not to hand out a group-date rose and dismisses everyone except James. She tells him she believes the other guys and he denies, denies, denies. Then he whines about feeling excluded and even dredges up some snot and tears. I think the twenty martinis he had probably helped with those, but still.

Then DESIREE starts crying. Ugh, really? She tells him there are no guarantees and then five minutes later, James says, "I can't guarantee how I'm gonna feel next week," suggesting that he's the one who might change his mind about her. Whoa. James is an Olympic medalist in table-turning. In the end, Des tells him to go home and that they'll reconvene the next day. James boo-hoos in the cab on the way home and exactly no one in the world feels sorry for him.

Zak W's One-On-One Date

Desiree sketches a church while waiting for Zak to show up...for their sketching lesson. They go to a studio and draw a dude in a hat and a trench coat. Then Des and Zak draw each other. Zak's drawing is pretty disastrous, but I was more disturbed by how bad Desiree's was, given all her big talk about being an "artist." Finally, they are asked to draw a nude man, and even by Bachelorette standards, this is an awkward date. Zak attempts to ease the tension by coming into the studio wearing a robe, stripping to his skivvies, and asking Des to draw him. Can I just say that Zak's abs scare me? I feel like there are too many of them. Just doesn't look right.

Later, they go into a wine cave for dinner and sit on what appears to be an oversized La-Z-Boy recliner -- but one of the fancy leather ones. Zak tells Des he wants a relationship just like his parents', which is de rigueur at this point. They also both agree that they want to have adventures in life. Zak says this is why he's still single. That or the hair, I'd say. In the end, Desiree gives Zak a rose, and he tells us he's "in love with" Desiree, which is big, because he just skipped mandatory stages "falling for" and "falling in love with," which I think might be breaking several clauses in his contract.

James Faces Desiree, Again

This scene is a master class in manipulating stupid people, so if you're looking to brush up your skills, watch and learn. Otherwise, you can probably skip it. So, James is still hanging around the house, and Drew seems very bothered that James is not 100% focused on Desiree. Drew thinks that James should not have ONE SINGLE thought about what could happen after the show. Michael, meanwhile, calls James "evil and sinister." Then, as if reading Michael's thoughts, James comes and sits uncomfortably close to Michael on the couch. Desiree shows up to finish her talk with James, and all the other dudes assume he'll be sent packing. But, no. James uses some pretty transparent reverse psychology on Des ("If you feel that way, maybe I should just go right now"), and Des waffles back and forth, and then finally decides to keep him around for the rose ceremony. UGGGH, Desiree.

Rose Ceremony

Desiree pores over the guys' gilt-framed photos as Chris Harrison tells the men that there are only THREE more roses to hand out, which means THREE people are going home, because math. Turns out, Kasey, James, and Juan Pablo are the unlucky three who are cut. For some reason, Desiree chooses to keep Headband Michael, despite the fact that he's a whiner and kind of a weirdo, but to be fair, maybe she's making her decision based solely on arm circumference. But she's sending home Juan Pablo? Come on, lady, use your eyes. On the upside, we learn that Juan Pablo is even more adorable when he cries.


Watch, sparingly. I recommend watching the scenes where James gets chewed out by the guys and then wheedles his way back into Desiree's heart. Skip the rest. No one needs to see Zak's thousand rows of abs again.

For Patriot Week we ask:

How could The Bachelorette be more patriotic?

What if every one-on-one date featured a fireworks displ-- oh, right.

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