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What Horrors Await Us In The Bachelor's Special 'Celebration Of Love'?

This Valentine's Day -- when else??? -- The Bachelor marks twenty seasons of 'love'! What does its two-hour special surely have in store for us?

The Bachelor has successfully barreled its way through twenty seasons and, since we were all begging for it, is celebrating this very special milestone with a very special primetime special, "The Bachelor At 20: A Celebration Of Love!" ABC has promised that the event will be "the biggest gathering of alumni in Bachelor history," and will include the wedding of official nobodies Jade Roper and Tanner Tolbert. It will also be TWO HOURS LONG. What else do we think this very special and very long celebration of "love" will have in store for us?

  • Début of Chris Harrison's new wedding/funeral-wear line
  • "Poetry" reading by Chris Siegfried
  • Shawn (photo) Booth
  • Michelle Money Dance
  • Dress shredding ceremony
  • Release of 1000 live doves
  • Release of 2000 dead pigeons
  • Release of 3000 sewer rats
  • Something old
  • Between seventeen and twenty-seven uses of "and I's" as a plural possessive
  • Inside peek at blood diamond harvesting with jeweler to the stars Neil Lane
  • Placing of Ashley and JP Rosenbaum's child into protective custody for being named Fordham Rosenbaum
  • Performance by Seal
  • Performance by a seal
  • Kiss from a rose on the brain (?)
  • Goodie bags for all attendees, including preventative Z-Paks for hot tub-borne illnesses
  • Behind-the-scenes footage of Roper-Tolbert-network prenuptial agreement negotiations
  • Blooper reel!
  • Unveiling of the bride, followed by de-scarfing of Nick Viall
  • Tuxedo donation drop-off box, to benefit the homeless
  • Complimentary STD testing/PAP smears, administered by fan favorite Chris Bukowski
  • Burning of Brad Womack in effigy
  • All-you-can-eat rose petal buffet
  • Marriage of two helicopters who met on set and fell in love
  • One hour and fifty-five minute moment of silence for past Bachelor victims and their families
  • Serenade by popular folk and rock singer Matt Nathanson, followed by ritual slaughter of popular folk and rock singer Matt Nathanson, to bring prosperity and fertility to the bride and groom
  • Sacrifice of a virgin (preferably Ashley I., although the volcano will also accept Becca)
  • Coordinated wolf attack, on behalf of Nature


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