Famous Family Amazing Race Teams We'd Like To See, In Order Of Their Predicted Eliminations
Giggling at the idea of Hannibal's Mads Mikkelsen inching resentfully along the outside of the Skydome in a climber's harness, I was hit by a bolt of inspiration: if Hannibal gets cancelled, Mads obviously has to go on The Amazing Race with his brother Lars (Borgen). A world in which Los Mikkelsen rip open a Roadblock clue that reads, "Who has great bone structure?", look at each other, shrug, and rock-paper-scissors it for who takes the task is, let's face it, a world superior to the one in which we currently live.
A world in which Hannibal gets a surprise second-season order is a pretty damn fine one, though, and that's going to make it tough for Mikkelsen the Younger to undertake a race around the world. But in case that changes, West Coast Editor Tara Ariano and I have cast the rest of the Mikkelseason with the famous-fam pairings we'd most like to see -- and guessed the order in which the teams finish. The last team to arrive may be eliminated…
Matt and Marten Holden Weiner
Weiner Sr.'s notorious compulsions regarding plot secrecy unfortunately extend to Race clues, the very first one of which he refuses to share with his own teammate, or even open. The Weiners only get as far as the Ford Fiesta provided for the initial leg of the race, and Phil Keoghan must return to the starting line via golf cart to inform them that it's over before it started.
Zooey and Emily Deschanel
Zooey, unable to see through her bangs, runs full-speed into a column at the Parthenon and is pulled from the Race by medical with concussion symptoms.
Meryl Streep and Mamie Gummer
Streep, afraid that husband Donald Gummer will incorporate her Oscars into a sculpture installation if she leaves them at home (it's apparently happened before), hauls them everywhere she goes -- slowing her down in footraces and forcing her to check a bag on each flight. A baggage-claim foul-up in Milan puts Team Cry On Cue in last place.
Kirk and Michael Douglas
A combined age of 163 years old isn't the handicap you might think; the irresistible charm of each man separately, paired with the sniffle-inducing sweetness of their father-son bond, serves them well in getting directions and forming alliances. Alas, Michael's turn as Liberace in Behind the Candelabra left him with a magpie's attraction to shiny things, and when he's lured off course by the giant blinking letters at Berlin's museum of fonts, it's curtains for father-son Hollywood royalty.
Ronde and Tiki Barber
Years of experience in professional sports and top physical form see the Barber bros off to a strong start, finishing at or close to the top in each leg -- until a Kolkata task that requires teams to locate a Travelocity gnome and tote it with them to the mat. Hilarity and mortification ensue when they arrive in third place…with Casey Affleck under Tiki's arm. Can they survive the 30-minute penalty? Spoiler: no.
James and Dave Franco
Dave thinks they've stopped at an internet café in Singapore to get flight information; after 45 minutes, he realizes James is attending an NYU civil-engineering lav via Skype. Those credits don't transfer, and the Franci get the boot.
Mads and Lars Mikkelsen
Calm demeanor and cultural open-mindedness, pluses; tendency to get sucked into crime scenes and murder investigations throughout Western Europe, minuses, and Mads is distracted by keeping a running tally of annoying "let's win this leg...OF THE RACE haw haw" jokes. Lars's muttered wisecrack about ladyfingers in the customs line leads to a two-hour search delay, and their elimination.
Ben and Casey Affleck
The Afflecks work together well and even The Gnome Incident doesn't slow them down much. But their shared tendency to ask for "more takes" on anything from sleeping on the TGV to ziplining between Thai temples begins to accrue delays. In the end, Ben is setting a pin light on Phil when Team One Guitar at a Time dusts them in the homestretch.
Mike White and Mel White
Determined to win it all on their third go-round, these fan favorites eventually get derailed by a trademark local-"delicacies" challenge, which Mike is forced to take on in order to even up their tallies of Roadblocks. Alas, it's a ziggurat of lamb chops, and Mike is a vegan. As the sun sets on Mike and his untouched pyra-meat, Mel and Phil arrive with, respectively, a comforting packet of tofu jerky and news of elimination.
Valerie Bertinelli and Wolfgang Van Halen
Dark horses and fan favorites, the mother-son team has two advantages: Wolfgang is considered a worldwide talisman of awesome thanks to his paternal parentage; and Valerie's started running marathons the last few years. A helpful fandom populace combined with Valerie's stamina gets them thisclose to the final leg until a legal but controversial body-slam from Donal Logue literally shoves them out of contention.
Donal and Karina Logue
Carried to the finale by dint of sheer awesomeness, and also a rigorous course of preparation inspired by the "war room" on Knights of Prosperity, the Logues look like real contenders until Kate Mara slits their Achilles tendons. All of them.
Rooney and Kate Mara
Ruthless, vengeful, and cute enough to slide military-grade weapons past ensorcelled customs agents of all genders, the Maras will pay back every U-Turn with interest (see: "Wheelchair for Passenger Logue, and…Passenger Logue"). But even sleeping with one eye open is no match for our eventual champions…
Kiefer and Sarah Sutherland
All over the world, civilians, airport personnel, and deep-cover Interpol agents mistake Kiefer for Jack Bauer, offering him diplomatic pouches full of local currency; blow-dart rigs whose barbiturate-soaked tips can slow down rival teams (and, in one poorly aimed case, the unlucky Vladivostok local serving as greeter…or, rather, impromptu napper); local girls named Chloe; and priority seating on troop transports. But it's not the privileges of CTU membership that fuel the Sutherlands' victory; it's a spat between Sarah and Karina Logue. That's daddy's little girl, Red, and whomever you're working for, you're toast.