Vampires! Vampires! Vampires!
Eventually, every show on television is going to be about vampires. And this is what they'll be like.
As you may have heard, vampires are very hot right now -- that's hot as in "popular," and also hot as in "I don't think Alexander Skarsgård even owns a shirt." It used to be that vampires were restricted to shows about scary monsters, but now you have Teen Romance Vampires (The Vampire Diaries), Adult Romance Vampires (True Blood), and even Boring Do-Nothing Vampires (Dracula). Eventually, every show will be about vampires. That's just science! So we might as well get a jump on things, right? Here's a look into the future of television.
Dancing With the Stars: The judges are vampires, and the celebrities are humans. When people are eliminated, they get drained of all their blood on live television.
Sean Saves the World: From vampires.
Tosh.0: Vampires don't show up on YouTube, so Daniel Tosh has to spend a half hour making fun of videos with nobody in them. It's still popular, somehow.
Shark Tank: Sharks are already basically water-based vampires, so this shouldn't change much.
Glee: Fewer uptempo tunes; more dirges.
NCIS: It's somehow exactly as bland with vampires as without.
The Twilight Zone: It's always the one episode from the 1980s version that's about vampires.
Da Vinci's Demons: Has actual demons in it. Demons that fight shirtless vampires.
Grey's Anatomy: Vampires don't need medical attention, so everybody has more time free to get caught up in romantic entanglements.
Orange Is The New Black: Vampires don't wear orange. Don't be silly. We have to have standards.
The Walking Dead: No, the zombies aren't turning into vampires. The humans are! It's vampires fighting zombies, which is going to be a shame when they find out zombies don't have a lot of blood.
American Horror Story: Coven: They're already witches in New Orleans, so there are probably some vampires on the way already.
The Talking Dead: Maybe Chris Hardwick is already a vampire. That would explain how he has the energy to be hosting so many television shows at once. And why do you think his new show (@midnight) is at midnight, huh? Because it's at night.
Dads: Still terrible.
Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Every episode is now about Blade hunting Morbius, the Living Vampire. It gets cancelled after two episodes, but the six people who love Morbius never shut up about how great it was.
Being Human: Instead of being about a vampire, a werewolf, and a ghost, now it's about a vampire, a werewolf, and a different vampire.
The Carrie Diaries: The story of how charming young Carrie Bradshaw became tiresome old emotional vampire Carrie Bradshaw.
Survivor: When vampires are involved, there are no survivors.