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The Story Of Ralph Cifaretto's Toupee vs. Vinnie Van Lowe Singing 'Private Eyes'

It's wig-snatching and body hacking vs. a private eye's meta moment!

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148 votes

The Story Of Ralph Cifaretto's Toupee

71%
363 votes

Vinnie Van Lowe Singing 'Private Eyes'

The case for The Story Of Ralph Cifaretto's Toupee

"Joey Pants", who doesn't love him and who doesn't hate Ralph Cifaretto, his utterly putrid character on The Sopranos? Right from the jump, when he first oozed across my screen, I detested everything about this bastard, his demeanor, his accent, his teeth and then, there was the Tracee scene outside the Bada Bing. Cold-blooded psychopathy, right there.

He also had an annoying vanity about his style of dress that was so very different than the rest of the capos and made men. A little part of me likes to believe that Ralph's wardrobe with its preppy ways were inspired by Pablo Escobar's country club realness but less with the embroidered anchors and more the silk ascots. I said all that to say this, his biggest crime in all of New Jersey was his "hair".

Junior Deputy-in-Training Wig Cop was called up out of the ranks for this egregious follicle folly. I couldn't figure out if this was an intentional choice, an "it's so bad, it's good" way of thinking or if this was low budge in order to support the fake fingernail fund for the ladies of the cast. My joy was eventually doubled in this episode. First, with Tony FINALLY killing off Ralph (way over due, in this gal's opinion) and then the hilarious moment that leavened the seriousness: Christopher, who is going to use a saw to cut off Ralph's head (in his own tub) goes to steady it and ends up with a fistful of Chic Wig's not-so-finest syntheticals. Tony's delight at Christopher's disgust is "perfezione". Turns out, decapitation is easy, comedy is hard. — Susie Derkins

The case for Vinnie Van Lowe Singing 'Private Eyes'

Private investigator Vinnie Van Lowe was the rival to Keith Mars, often getting more business due to his somewhat lax moral standards. While visiting his office, Veronica gave Vinnie a bugged pen. Turns out Veronica placed a second bugged device, but Vinnie was unaware, resulting in a smug victory song. Hall and Oates wrote the song and now you're living it. — gonewiththeschwinn


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