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Reason Salty Dick Week sex talk!

Clockwise from left: Screen: Comedy Central; Photo: NBC; Photo: Starz; Screen: Fox; Photo: HBO; Screen: FX

'Ten Inches, But It's Thick'

Previously.TV's size queen ranks the biggest dicks on TV!

As a big cock lover and television fanatic, Previously.TV's Dick Week is an event very dear to my heart (and whatever else), in that it permits -- nay, mandates -- that I combine my two passions into a single list. There have been many, many times I've thought about Justin Theroux's massive bulge in The Leftovers, but there are so many other large dicks on TV I haven't even begun to fantasize over. Now, thanks to Dick Week, I finally have an excuse to power-rank television's most well-endowed.

But this isn't your mama's regular old pissing contest. There's more to a monster dong than the inches. Below is a ranking of the blessed men with whom I'd have sex with from least to most likely, taking into consideration age, girth, clumsiness, and whatever shallow reasons I could think up. Take a hit of poppers and get ready!

Screen: Comedy Central

Screen: Comedy Central

6. Little Donny, Upright Citizens Brigade

What are we working with here? Due to the rare disease Magnimus Obliviophallocytis, Little Donny has a gigantic horse wang but doesn't realize he has it. To Little Donny, he's just a normal boy in an adult body with a foot long soft cock hanging out. He must wear a large tire around his waist at all times to avoid torso bruises from running, and his bike comes equipped with a special scoop on the side to hold his penis while he rides so that it doesn't get caught in the chain. His penis is so large that scientists drain fluid from it to fuel rockets. Thankfully, a charitable foundation is set up to support his family and alleviate all the hardship they've been through. They've even written a catchy song to raise awareness!

Would I have sex with him? No! As appealing as a yardstick of dick may seem, I'm pretty sure Little Donny is still technically a child in an adult body, and that's layers and layers of creepy that I don't even want to begin to dive into.

Photo: HBO

Photo: HBO

5. Hodor, Game Of Thrones

What are we working with here? Westeros's human wheelchair Hodor is descendant from giants, as evident in his tall frame and his third arm-esque penis. If my math and internet sleuthing serves me right, his cock -- soft, mind you -- is about sixteen inches long! That's like one of those really long Pixy Stix made of dick! That's a whole 'nother level of wang that this gay society isn't even ready for.

Would I have sex with him? Yes, provided there is a team of EMTs outside the door to treat me for shock afterward. Also, Hodor has to take a shower, either be completely silent, or learn English, and find someone to babysit Bran for the evening.

Screen: Fox

Screen: Fox

4. Ned Flanders, The Simpsons

What are we working with here? The Simpsons's resident happy-go-lucky Jesus freak also happens to have possibly the biggest diddly in Springfield. His knee-slapper is probably the real reason Flanders loves Jesus so much: if I had a wang that long, I'd be praying to God as much as possible.

Would I have sex with him? Assuming I could have sex with cartoons, maybe. First of all, he is a two-time widower, which is a fine line to walk, sexually. While I am sympathetic to his having lost both Maude and Edna, I do not want to trigger anything during our time together. While the video that captured his monster blurred out the actual penis, it looks as though it doesn't have much girth. There's nothing special in sticking a Twizzler down your throat.

Photo: NBC

Photo: NBC

3. Garry Gergich from Parks & Recreation

What are we working with here? Although there is no photographic evidence, during screening for mumps, the doctor states that Garry has the largest penis he has ever seen, and was so distracted by it that he couldn't even finish Garry's exam. Doctor-tested, Dylan-approved! If a penis is so large that it distracts a straight medical professional, then you know the goods are good. Also, could you imagine, if Garry lost weight, what sort of monster would be created? They say for every thirty pounds lost, you gain an inch. Garry could stand to gain at least 3 inches, which is basically adding another small penis to his already giant penis.

Would I have sex with him? Probably. Daddy bears are precious commodities in the gay community and well-endowed ones are like gold. Although I'd better be extra-careful: knowing Garry's luck, I could end up with a broken penis and he'd burn the house down.

Photo: Starz

Photo: Starz

2. Ron Donald from Party Down

What are we working with here? In an effort to get funding for a Soup n Crackers franchise, Ron unzips -- nay, unrolls his gargantuan member to show it off to a porn producer. I've always found the phrase "baby's arm holding an apple" to be slightly disgusting, but in this scenario it totally fits. It looks like one of those fake dildos they have at the sex shop that you pick up and wonder what sort of menace to society uses this...but attached to a body.

Would I have sex with him? Most likely. Like Garry Gergich before him, Ron has a tendency to fuck things up. I don't want to be in the passions of giant-cock lovemaking only to have someone walk in because Ron forgot to lock the door. But unlike Flanders, Ron has a substantial girth to him that would be a challenge I'd like to conquer.

Screen: FX

Screen: FX

1. Cyril Figgis from Archer

What are we working with here? Also never shown on screen, but apparently it's so big that he tried to get penis ensmallment surgery. I can't even begin to fathom how big a penis has to be that the idea of reduction surgery would come into play. How does he wear pants? Has Cyril ever been in a public pool? Does he have extra blood compensate for what is probably a Loch Ness Monster of a boner? I'm so curious.

Would I have sex with him? 100% yes. First of all, he's cute as all get out. Secondly, he has a giant wang that I haven't seen! I can picture myself with all of the other men, but Cyril is a mystery. A big-dicked mystery that I will solve with my body.


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