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Viva Las Vegas, And Adios Matt And Amber's Teen Mom OG Wedding

What happens in Vegas gets broadcast to the world -- and what happens in Vegas is Matt being a monster.

If there was any question about the ways that removing the fourth wall would change Teen Mom, this week's episode makes it pretty clear. The cast members are increasingly savvy about their TV portrayals to the point of not wanting to say or do anything interesting, and all the cast members are trying to use their fame to showcase their businesses instead of their personal lives. Maci and Taylor have an advertorial conversation about how his stupid pocket T-shirt brand is doing; Cate and Tyler spend some time Googling "how do you start a line of kids' clothing?"; Amber gets off the couch long enough to wear multiple Before Verhaute outfits; and Sofeeyah spends a couple of minutes running around "her" store.

There's one person who really pulls back the curtain this week, though, and it's Matt "Not Howard Stern" Baier. On a trip to Vegas, he tries to convince Amber to elope, and when she pulls back, he pretends to be cool with it -- but then berates a producer to demand that the footage of his "embarrassment" not appear on camera, even if she has to blow someone on his behalf. I feel like the decision to air this footage wasn't for the benefit of the entire viewing audience -- who probably already hate Matt -- but for Amber herself, so she'll wake up to who he really is. Kids, do try this at home.

Teen Mom-y Element Present?
Crying After going through a hypnotherapy session (more on that later), Farrah decides she has to break things off with Simon once and for all, and try to meet someone else. As she gives him the speech over dinner in L.A., editors cut to Simon wiping his eyes. Tears? Allergies? Either way, I don't feel comfortable giving this one a check mark just yet.
Fighting with ex or current boyfriend/husband
In Vegas, Matt "spontaneously" suggests that he and Amber go get married right then and there. Amber insists that she wouldn't want to get married without Leah being there, and Matt gets upset that she's "embarrassing [him] in front of everybody" -- which means "the cameras," of course. With his Boston accent mysteriously absent, Matt keeps pointing out different quickie wedding chapels and saying "let's get married here, baby" while Wayne and Annette (a.k.a. the people who are actually getting married, the occasion for which Amber and Matt have gone to Vegas at all) get shoved in the background. Amber escapes to another room to call her brother "Bubby," whom we haven't seen on screen in quite some time. (Hmm, could he have disappeared because of a controlling, isolating new force in his sister's life?) Bubby tells Amber that she's a big girl and can make her own decisions, which Matt considers paramount to treason, and Amber whispers, "Don't talk about like my brother like that on TV," which makes me think Matt has said all kinds of awful things when the cameras aren't running.
Obligatory cute kid As Bintlee, Maverick, and Jayde sit around being adorable, Maci informs Taylor that if he knocks her up again, she will kill him. Maci adds that, besides using threats of murder for birth control, she got "the thing in her arm," probably because Norplant didn't pay for show placement like the Mirena did.
Crimes against the English language Tyler thinks that Devynn (sigh), the woman whom he and Cate are working with on their new kids' clothing line, has a lot of "willingness." When Mackenzie and Rahhn go to look at wedding venues, he has to double-check the meaning of the word "reception."

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Cate makes Kim a framed photo collage thanking her for "raising your little boy to be the man of my dreams." It also has a comma splice. Never change, Cate.

Style disasters In a nice change, Catelynn is the one going out for dinner with Kim, instead of Tyler. Less nice: Cate wears what appears to be a kimono.

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While Kim pairs an unfortunate neon-blue tracksuit jacket with an equally unfortunate matching cuff.

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Elsewhere, Kim wears an electric-pink hoodie with a giant beaded necklace so long I initially thought it was a pair of braids made of hair extensions.

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Since she seems to have so many clothes, maybe she could donate a few items to Nova?

"Shocking Reveal" we already knew about from Us Weekly/the internet Tyler mansplains that his company (not his and Cate's, just his -- sort of like that Reunited show that died a quiet death) is going to be called Tierra Reign, combining the second part of his last name with Nova's middle name and no part of Cate's name. Thank goodness, because the world really needed lacy booty shorts for toddlers who don't even wear pants and would just pee on them anyway.
Tertiary character as voice of reason Wayne and Annette seem more bewildered by the clusterfuck circus that is Matt and Amber's relationship than anything else. Luckily, their Vegas wedding looks lovely, Annette is gorgeous in her silver dress, and some real-life friends and relatives appear to have shown up for the big event.
Shit talking Maci tells Taylor she just got some info about something bad and scary Rahhn is doing, but she declines to go into detail on camera. Maybe this is that awful "shooting cats" thing we learned about on the internet last summer? When Jaala pushes a little bit to try to get Maci to talk, Maci just says that if she won't spill it on camera, people will assume it's drugs. So...it is drugs? Or it isn't but she's fine with people thinking that?
Mom whose segments are totally worth skipping Farrah and Debra get hypnotherapy from a person named "Hollywood hypnotist Kevin Stone" in a segment that feels like a deleted scene from Family Therapy, which is oddly entrancing...

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...only because of the weird super-close-up view of Farrah's current face.

Meta moment We already know that Matt and Amber didn't get married in Vegas or anywhere else and that Matt posted a ton of misleading tweets to "tease" their social media followers about it, which just makes each scene more and more awkward as Matt presses harder and Amber pulls back further. Although Matt is kind to Amber's face, in a sidebar conversation with producer Kerthy he says he will never ever marry Amber and that what she really wants is to marry her own brother, whom Matt calls the F-word. Here's another F-word: fuck you, Matt. Later, while they're out at dinner, Matt goes up to Kerthy and says, "I don't care who you have oral pleasure with, keep the Amber-Matt wedding thing off TV." Wow, in case I already didn't think he was disgusting enough, now Matt is intimidating a producer in the grossest, most inappropriate possible way. When Kerthy explains that the decision’s not up to her, Matt says he is "done" with Amber "embarrassing" him, and done with her "fucking psycho ass." I wish any of this were true and that he actually did GTFO, but there's no way he's leaving without a fight and a bunch of autographed guitars. Time to decompress from this episode by watching something more uplifting, like The Handmaid's Tale.
7 / 10
Final Score
70%
White toddler shorts
30%
Not-so-white-weddings
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