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Teen Mom's Maci Has A Stripper In Her Lap, Instead Of A Baby

What if Teen Mom met Magic Mike? At last, we have an answer.

Hey, did you know that there are rumors on the internet about Matt? Him complaining every single week about all the "lies" and "gossip" circulating about him online is reaching "Jill Zarin accusing people of bullying" levels of annoying, and it's even more eye-rolling because a lot of it (that he has a bunch of kids with different women; that he's letting Chris live with him and Amber) is true. I'd say that the dude needs to just hire Reputation Defender and call it a day, but it's clear that he loves feeling like a celebrity and also feeding his persecution complex, which in turn makes Amber feel more bonded to him. She claims that Matt has been crying about it off-camera, but I don't think the Sociopathbot 3.1 has been programmed to have that wide a range of emotions. His extended monologues about the downside of fame demonstrate that just because the fourth wall is now broken doesn't mean the show has gotten significantly more interesting: it's still artifice, just in a different way. We just watch the producers stand around coddling their "talent" and making sure everyone continues filming, not asking hard questions or pushing back on some of the obvious lies and contradictions. Matt is all about sleight of hand: he denies the story that he has twelve kids out there, but the truth is that he still does have a bunch. A bird in the hand is worth two in the flipped house, I guess.

Teen Mom-y Element Present?
Crying Debra and Farrah have yet another huge fight that the crew has to mediate; there's even a "security" guy labeled with a chyron so we know it's legit. Heather follows Debra to her room, where Debra cries about how horrible her daughter is horrible and sobs, "Tell me why I'm alive, Heather." Luckily, Sofeeyah is there for hugs and a mini-pizza.
Fighting with ex or current boyfriend/husband
Maci and Taylor have their respective bachelor/bachelorette parties in Vegas, but the twain don't meet. Amber makes a good show of standing by her man, who is now claiming that someone else tweeted those come-ons to Farrah and Jenelle from his account. Catelynn, who appears to have learned nothing from the piglet incident, tells Tyler that she wants to buy her own horse instead of just joining a club or something where she can ride occasionally, and he obviously thinks it's a horrible idea but keeps the whole thing passive-aggressive with noncommittal "uh-huh"s because he either hopes it's a manic phase and she'll snap out of it, or he plans to berate her off-camera so he can't be called out on Twitter.
Obligatory cute kid Kristina braids Leah's hair, and baby Emilee does somersaults while Gary says that Amber hasn't bothered to see her kid in a month. Farrah -- who thinks a job interview is a social interaction and vice versa -- asks her seven-year-old daughter to "give constructive feedback" about her parenting, so Sofeeyah tells her she's rude. It looks like Catelynn and Tyler only sort of got the "stop letting your kid run around without clothes on" memo, because poor Nova is now wandering around bottomless.
Crimes against the English language Taylor and his beard brigade are in Vegas, where one of them has just discovered a bidet for the first time, announcing, "They got a thing to wash our butt!" (Your single, collective butt, I assume?) Then one of them tries it out on camera because there's a hole in MTV's hearts where Jackass used to be. Taylor then announces there is going to be a contest to choose who will be his best man. It involves a trivia challenge.


Taylor: What city did Maci and I first meet in?



Friend: Louisiana!


Taylor: How do you spell "corsage"?


Friend: 'Who?'

Style disasters The seven or eight stooges at Taylor's bachelor party all have noisemakers...

MTV

MTV

...which one guy puts through his beard.

MTV

MTV

Gary has replaced his "Dad Bod" shirt with one that reads "Bad Decisions." What might those be? Amber? MTV? Whatever he had for lunch?

MTV

MTV

Debra must have forgotten to pack for Farrah's, because she is clearly wearing a pair of Sofeeyah's shorts.

"Shocking Reveal" we already knew about from Us Weekly/the internet "Ginger's Last Binger" is the title of the episode and was also the hashtag for Maci's bachelorette photos, which have been splashed all over Instagram. We already knew that she wore a cocktail napkin for a dress, that she got a lap dance from a male stripper at Thunder Down Under, and that she and her friends bought a Spencer's worth of penis-shaped balloons. We also know that there is no way this is really Ginger's last binger: the volume of unblurred Bud Light cans in this episode make me think they're sponsoring her wedding or possibly her entire life.
Tertiary character as voice of reason TV Matt now has a friend who we'll call Internet Matt. More specifically, he's Matt Richards, who runs a blog called Mr. Real Housewife and comes up with the idea that Amber and Matt come up to New York to hang out with him, and that TV Matt should "write" a "book" about his life story as a way to refute all the "lies" floating out there about him. Internet Matt, who wears a gingham shirt and a week's worth of hair gel, shows that he is a Serious Journalist by bringing a briefcase and an outline, neither of which we see as he "interviews" TV Matt.

MTV

MTV

In the latest version of his made-up story, TV Matt says that he was still an addict when he met Amber and that she flushed his pills down the toilet and made him choose between them and her, "and I wasn't giving up her." I'm going to blame this grammar error on the fact that the word "wallet" was supposed to come at the end of that.

Also, I think my quotation mark key is broken now.

Shit talking Farrah says she doesn't want to date anyone with a beard on his face, which is allegedly about Simon but could be a nice bit of shade at Taylor & Co. (Or would she be open to dating someone with a beard on his back?) She and Debra get into yet another argument, this one about how Debra is apparently engaged to some dude she met on the internet, and somehow it turns into Farrah screaming at her mom for the abuse incident from back in Season 1 and telling her to fuck off forever.
Mom whose segments are totally worth skipping Amber's storyline is basically Matt's storyline at this point, and if I never had to see this personified Masshole accent on TV ever again it would be too soon. And how terribly convenient that Matt's previously unseen cousin has enough free time to join them spending Amber's money in New York.
Meta moment Maci says she and Taylor had an understanding that they could both go to strip clubs as long as neither of them had to know about it, but the fact that MTV follows her everywhere and films her life kind of blew up her Thunder Down Under spot. When Farrah insults dudes with beards, the camera cuts to all the production guys in her house, all of whom are bearded, and one guy makes a peace sign at the lens.
8 / 10
Final Score
80%
The Thunder Down Under
20%
The Exhaustion From Boston
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