Teen Mom's Farrah Is Blonde Now, But That's the Only Way She Has Changed
The episode title, 'Cray Gardens,' almost makes it sound like Farrah's ongoing fights with Debra are fun. (They're not.)
One thing that reliably drives me crazy about Teen Mom is how often real life acts as a spoiler for what we're about to watch. The lag inherent in taping-editing-airing often means that by the time we see a "big reveal" on screen, we've already heard all about it from the girls' own social media accounts. (Or Us Weekly or Radar, as an entire segment of this post is devoted to pointing out.) Clearly, someone at MTV got the memo, because this season has nearly caught up to the current timeline. I'd assumed we would get Farrah's furniture store opening, Maci's wedding, and Amber's plastic surgery next year, but they're popping up now. Does that mean the producers are scrambling to find something interesting to cover in these girls' lives that isn't the same old fighting with their exes or complaining about things that happened on Instagram? Probably yes. But I do have to shout out the person at MTV who decided to title this episode "Cray Gardens," which is probably the name of the future spinoff series in which Farrah and Debra make each other miserable.
|Teen Mom-y Element||Present?|
|Crying||Gary calls Amber to tell her (and, by extension, us) that Kristina's older daughter is in the hospital, so Gary and Kristina need some help with Leah. Amber says that the news is "really sad," then helpfully shoehorns in the news that Matt's son met a girl in Indiana and moved in with her, so he's not around. Wow, that got resolved quickly, much to the chagrin of everyone who hoped Amber would hook up with him and kick off a great love triangle. This scene has so much exposition that I'm sure it was choreographed, but Gary genuinely chokes up at the word "hospital." Despite Amber's being granted an extra afternoon with "Booger Butt," Leah still can't stay the night at Amber's during the week, so Amber goes "off camera" (five feet away from where she was standing before) to cry onto Matt's shoulder.|| Fighting with ex or current boyfriend/husband
||Maci decides she and Taylor should invite Rahhn and his new girlfriend over for dinner -- just the four of them and Bintlee, to show a united front. Apparently, the girlfriend (Mackenzie) is also a mom, which Maci thinks is a good thing. When they get the invite, Mackenzie is pleased, and Rahhn is pleasantly surprised that she, unlike all his previous exes, doesn't think he and Maci are still hooking up. Between the semi-normal demeanor and the complete sentences, Rahhn almost seems like a Real Live Boy this week...
...but the crazy eyes and weird rumpled grayish fro still make him look like he slept at a bus station.
|Obligatory cute kid||Bintlee is Taylor's "mini best man" (let's hope there was no beer pong or trivia contest involved in that decision), and gets fitted for his first-ever suit, with which he cutely insists on a bow tie. Emilee waddles around on the floor in a floral onesie I think Maci owns in the same size. And this week, Nova gets to wear pants and a top at the same time!|
|Crimes against the English language||Tyler and Kim are out at dinner without Catelynn yet again when he asks his mom what "gar-GON-zo-laah" is. She doesn't know either, so a crew member helpfully tells them how to pronounce it and adds that it's a cheese.
There is also no reason Kim's outfit needs both a brightly printed vest and a giant silver necklace that looks like it's made of stegosaurus fragments. Kim says that Cate is "biting at the bit" to get out of their current house. I'd say the horse metaphor is shade, but Kim probably doesn't know what that is, and Tyler probably thinks it's pronounced "shed." She also thinks they are so "consumed on" Cate's health that they're ignoring the fact that Tyler also has depression issues, and if it wouldn't hurt the brains of everyone involved, I'd suggest that Tyler Google "toxic masculinity."
|Style disasters||Farrah wears a shower cap to do something she calls "sweat garden"...
...and says that her extensions are more expensive than her garden. Her shirt reads "Nine Months From Now the Only Thing I'm Expecting Is to Be More Awesome." That's almost as funny as the time she wore a Harvard shirt.
Like Farrah, Amber is also blonde now. She is sitting on a camp chair in the garage wearing her latest schmatte, which is paisley and not very flattering.
Maci tries on her wedding dress, which is pink and very flattering on her. I just lost five dollars in a bet with myself that it would have a leather pocket on the front. Maci tells her friends that she bought Jayde a mini version of the dress that is "exactly the same" as her own, but when she holds it up, you can see that Jayde's outfit is not strapless and thus not "exactly the same."
|"Shocking Reveal" we already knew about from Us Weekly/the internet||Debra asks Farrah for a few days off, as if she's Farrah's employee instead of her mother/punching bag. Farrah's not having it because she assumes Debra is off to see her boyfriend (who, if it's this guy, is now her fiancé), and Debra accuses Farrah of "wanting to stick a microscope up me." (Ew.) This isn't even interesting to watch. The Farrah Is Sour And Rude Hour is not a fun show, and I don't know why we have to keep watching it every single week.|
|Tertiary character as voice of reason||Simon (yes, he's around again; yes, he's chyroned as "Farrah's friend"; yes, he looks miserable) tries to tell Farrah that the constant arguing in public is "low class," and she takes it about as well as expected. Here are some other words Simon should feel free to use: depressing, destructive, abusive, a bad example for Sofeeyah, hard to watch, terrible TV. I don't know why he keeps sticking around, but I do have a few theories, namely (a) sex; (b) TV money/fame; and (c) the fact that he owns a furniture staging company, might be Farrah's business partner, and thus has a vested interest in making sure her store does well. He's not interested enough to take his sunglasses off or put his laptop down, though.|
|Shit talking||Despite their gross fight and Farrah's continually shitty treatment of her, Debra is still around, still wearing those booty shorts, and still taking her daughter's abuse. I am almost impressed by how Farrah manages to give her mom the finger while wearing a gardening glove. Once again, Debra storms off, and once again, producer Heather has to be the mediator between these two people who frankly should move to opposite sides of the planet and lose each other's numbers.|
|Mom whose segments are totally worth skipping||Amber says that she is so depressed she couldn't get out of bed for three weeks, which may explain why her storylines this season have been so boring and mostly about either Matt or Gary or Matt's son (thus, indirectly, Matt). That said, her stories don't add up: she is sad when she doesn't see Leah, but she didn't want to see Leah when she was depressed, which made her sadder? In the words of J.Law, okay. If calling it a "mommy makeover" or "body sculpting" instead of plastic surgery makes her feel better about herself, then whatever.|
|Meta moment||Gary, Amber, and Gary's mom all do verbal gymnastics to keep saying "Kristina's daughter" instead of using her name, which I guess has something to do with the fact that Kristina's ex-husband won't allow the kid to be on the show. Amber does make one solid parenting move this episode, though, and tells Leah not to pick her nose on camera. Tyler and Catelynn get their invitation to Maci's wedding, held at a place called Honey Lake Resort. I am sure that being mentioned repeatedly on camera has nothing to do with Honey Lake's decision to magically give Maci a discount. Honey Lake Honey Lake Honey Lake.|
|9 / 10