Teen Mom's Amber Finds A Second TV Show On Which She Can Complain About The Price Of Fame
Everything is very 'figureoutable.'
Slowly, Teen Mom has been merging into the Teen Mom Producers, Boyfriends, Parents, And Other Relatives Variety Hour, and no one is more determined to get his stupid mug on TV than Matt Baier. This week is his most successful foray into famewhoring since that time he shoved his face in the camera during Catelynn and Tyler's wedding.
Once again, the topic at the Portwood-Baier Manse is all about internet rumors and how hurtful they are. One of the stories is that Chris, oldest of Matt's eleventeen children, went to the media to tell them that his father is a con artist and a deadbeat. Now, however, Chris has gotten a whiff of potential TV stardom and has taken back everything he said just in time to join Pops and Future Stepmom on Dr. Drew's TV show. Matt rambles that the thing he's most excited about in L.A. isn't getting attention but tacos, because the food is better in L.A. than in Indiana. Suddenly, the phone rings. It's Chris calling to say he has been fighting with his girlfriend a lot, and he's worried about his sobriety. (Chris was allegedly high when he "lied" about Matt, just like Matt and Amber are "sober" when they hold their wine glasses on camera.) Matt, without raising his voice above a monotone or consulting with Amber, offers to get Chris a plane ticket to L.A. so he can come hang out with them. Nope, this scene is definitely not staged. Not at all. And if you're trying to make nice with one of your myriad long-lost kids in order to look good on TV, maybe have him call you "Dad" and not "dude"?
Chris arrives at the hotel room, which Amber has chosen because it clashes with her outfit as much as possible, to do his best Seth Green impression and tell Amber that he's "a big fan." This scene with Chris, who is twenty-five, intercut with Maci turning twenty-five, is a nice bit of editing that reminds us that Matt is old enough to have grandchildren by now (and is about to, since Chris's girlfriend is knocked up). By that logic: if the teen moms are all too old to lie around unemployed all day, then Matt is way too old to do the same. What's the fameball retirement program like? Can you imagine the narcissism contained under the roof of the Home for Aged MTV Personalities?
To the table!
|Teen Mom-y Element||Present?|
|Crying||Butch has now been sober and out of jail for an entire year straight, which is so remarkable the family throws the world's most depressing cookout to celebrate. (More on this below.) Tyler's sister Amber -- who seems to distrust MTV, but was fine with letting her brother buy her some new tits with his reality-show money -- doesn't come, but sends Butch a text saying that she's proud of him and not embarrassed to call him her dad for a change. He cries while everyone else looks at their phones and eats hot dogs.||Fighting with ex or current boyfriend/husband
||Matt's fake friend calls Matt on the phone to say there's a tabloid story going around saying that Amber had a miscarriage caused by her being back on pills. Matt says he's going to have to tell Amber about it even though he tries to keep this stuff away from her -- how, exactly? Does she not have internet access or a smartphone? How does she reply to every single person who tweets about her without reading anything? Is her laziness so all-consuming that she needs Matt to read the entire internet to her like I did back when I was a PA for a really old dude who called emails "telegrams"? Matt insists again that he doesn't care what people say about him, which reminds me of the delightful Southern expression "guilty dogs always bark the loudest." Matt thinks this is a big enough rumor that they need to address it, so Amber suggests that they go on Dr. Drew's show. Amber rants that all the Matt stories are always framed as being about her, since she's the actual "TV personality" (sigh) of the two, and snaps that she's sorry other women let a man treat them badly. Every time I almost have sympathy for "Amby," she pulls this dumb victim-blamey anti-woman bullshit, and then we're back to square one. Matt counters back that if she feels that way, it means she believes he was a dick to all those women, which...we all know that, bro. MTV helpfully edits some fake steam coming out of Amber's ears.||Obligatory cute kid||It's Maci's birthday, so Bintlee writes her a cute card and Taylor teaches him about commas. (I wish more people on this show knew about the existence of commas. And how to use "and me/and I" correctly. And the difference between "good" and "well.") Taylor and the kids surprise her with red velvet birthday cupcakes, which Jayde eats very cutely. Nova interrupts her parents' rambling to announce that it's her bedtime and she'd like to go upstairs now. Speaking of the fact that Nova already has better boundaries than her parents: for some reason, we're treated to a clip of Nova potty-training and naked from the waist down. I know this is a reality show, but Nova isn't able to decide when she does and doesn't want to be on camera, and this moment really should have been private.|
|Crimes against the English language||Farrah's status as a business owner has been an absolute goldmine of gaffes, both professionally and verbally. This week, she wants to fire Kiana, the only employee who has worked at a froyo place before and has committed such crimes as "arriving too early." Farrah snaps that "everything is figureoutable" and that she and Kiana need to "talk very few words." During the actual firing, Farrah wears her stupid swirly sunglasses again and says, "You have to be allowing to open up yourself to be like, 'How can I do this different?' I'm severancing the relationship because it feels like there's not an open-mindedness."||Style disasters||
As if the sunglasses weren't dumb enough, the Froco employee uniforms are a cross between chef's uniforms, pajamas, and black versions of the matching sweatsuits everyone in the Spears/Federline wedding party wore.
|"Shocking Reveal" we already knew about from Us Weekly/the internet||In the "previously on"s, MTV shows a clip of Butch promising his kids he'll never get arrested again or violate his probation, which is particularly brutal since Butch got arrested again this week. It seems like it was for a minor violation and not for doing drugs again, but still, way harsh MTV. Kim celebrates her ex-husband's accomplishment by saying his party is really a party for Tyler, Nova throws a bunch of confetti on the ground, and Tyler looks happy for a change as he lounges in a hammock not interacting with his wife or kid.|
|Tertiary character as voice of reason||Maci's best friend Keely gives her a six-pack of Bud Light as a birthday gift. I think I like Keely.|
|Shit talking||In order to earn his week's appearance fee, Chris talks shit about tabloids (like the one he spoke to, but it's not his fault because he was high!), but just succeeds in making himself look like a fameball and outing Radar for not paying sources who are too dumb not to ask for money up front.|
|Mom whose segments are totally worth skipping||The only thing less exciting about Bintlee's first day of second grade is how bored Bintlee is about second grade.|
|Meta moment||When Farrah says she's going to have a talk with Kiana, Heather -- who senses potentially great TV -- asks if they can do it on camera. Maci tells Jaala that she only hears from or sees Rahhn when they're filming. Dr. Drew visits Amber in the makeup chair and checks her pupils with his phone camera, which he sees as enough reason to believe she's not on drugs. It's this kind of brilliant medical analysis that helped him diagnose a woman he'd never met and then lose his fancy TV gig.|
|9 / 10
Going to L.A.
Going to L.A. to sit on hotel room and TV set couches instead of your regular couch