Maci Thinks She's Sitting Pretty On Teen Mom
But then Ryan and Mackenzie's engagement adds yet another co-parent to the equation.
Last time on Teen Mom: Christmas! This time on Teen Mom: so much anticlimactic non-storytelling you have to wonder if the two-episodes-this-week gambit is just a way to burn off more footage, put this season to bed, and then get back in the game with "dramastical" Teen Mom 2: Now With More Briana.
This week is Sofeeyah's eighth birthday, which just serves as another reminder of exactly how long this show has been on. We watched all these kids come into the world, and now we've seen them potty train, "play with their peckers," get mani-pedis, throw tantrums, and get a head start on all the therapy they're going to need when they realize how many of their friends and future dates have seen this footage.
|Teen Mom-y Element||Present?|
|Crying||It's Sofeeyah's eighth birthday, so Farrah has deigned to speak to her parents again in exchange for their manual labor setting up the party, which has a sleepover slash princesses theme. (I hope those kids really are Sofeeyah's friends, and that their parents agreed to unblur their faces for some noble purpose.) This week we get Farrah's bitchface instead of her cryface, which is not an upgrade. It just means more of Debra being like "aren't puppies cute?" and Farrah being all "EVERYONE LIKES PUPPIES, why are you being so dumb and obvious also please lift this 10,000-pound crane while I keep yelling at you JESUS."||Fighting with ex or current boyfriend/husband
||Amber decides to have a fashion show for her Before Verhaute online boutique, and Matt is more than happy to join her at a casting call for the models. Amber now has a "business partner" named Vanessa, who asks reasonable questions like what the event is going to be called and whether there's a venue booked, and Amber insists she has done this before and will have it all ready. Then she immediately hangs up the phone and tells Matt she's nervous because she has never done this before. Oops? Eventually she makes the smart decision just to do a photoshoot instead of a whole show, and Matt looks up from his phone long enough to agree with her and throw in a complaint about "the haters." Go live with one of your seventeen baby mamas and leave the rest of us alone, choad.||Obligatory cute kid||Bintlee calls his sister "Jayders." Rahhn tells Bintlee that he got engaged, and asks if Bintlee will be his junior best man, make a speech, and get some hookers. Bintlee asks, "What's hookers?" Tyler tells Kathleen that things are going well with Nova because "she's not killing animals...yet." He adds that as a kid he was a "maniacal little fuck."|
|Crimes against the English language||One of the camera guys is nicknamed "Poo."
Amber probably came up with that nickname, since she thinks "Booger Butt" is a term of endearment.
Matt says people are "clueless of" how much work Amber does. Farrah says that "Cinderellas" will be coming to Sofeeyah's birthday party, but it's actually just one woman in a Belle costume.
...have decided to dye their hair pink. Amber's is fun, but Cate's just makes her look like April 2.0.
...is wearing a sweater that appears to have been dipped in chocolate.
...is what Debra decided to wear to an eight-year-old's birthday party.
|"Shocking Reveal" we already knew about from Us Weekly/the internet||Butch admits to Tyler that he feels a constant desire to use again, which isn't a spoiler so much as a sad truth about life.|
|Tertiary character as voice of reason||Gary and Kristina get an all-too-brief display of actual parenting when Leah gets pushed by a neighborhood kid and acts out by slamming the front door so hard it almost breaks. Thanks for playing! You can pick up your courtesy gift on the way out the door.|
|Shit talking||Maci and Mackenzie meet up to get lunch at a Tupelo Honey Cafe, and now I am hungry for biscuits. Mackenzie shares some of her backstory: she was pregnant at seventeen and then got married, which would be somewhat more interesting to hear about if Reddit hadn't figured out this whole timeline months ago and if Mack's jewelry wasn't blinding me so much I can't type. Maci says that Jen and Larry are selfless people except when it comes to Bintlee, and then they're selfish. She says Jen needs to get a dog instead of trying to make Bintlee cuddle up in bed with her, and Mack wisely picks this exact moment to drink tea and use the glass to hide any potential facial expressions.|
|Mom whose segments are totally worth skipping||Amber calls Catelynn to ask her to model in the fashion show, which is sweet until the show gets cancelled. Um, thanks but no thanks? Either way, the only thing more boring than their segments is watching an eight-year-old's party that is nothing more than an audition for My Super Sweet Sixteen.|
|Meta moment||As Paola and Farrah spray paint poor Starburst's mane and tail to make her look like a unicorn, Michael helpfully looks right into the camera and insists that the paint is nontoxic and safe for animals. #freestarburst! Nova keeps pronouncing "sit" like "shit" and Tyler asks if it's going to get bleeped. (No.)|
|7 / 10
Spray-painting a horse's ass